Snow White, The Three Little Pigs, Jack and the Beanstalk ... They each have their heroes, but a good story also needs a villain.

The same seems true for the stories in our heads — the ones we create to explain the circumstances or conflict we’re in and to justify our responses.

That (expletive) just cut me off! That (expletive) at work/home is making my life miserable — we depersonalise, dehumanise, create antagonists. They become the ‘bad guys’ in our internal stories.

We picture them scheming, malicious, plotting against us to impede us, make things difficult, or just to be mean.

For years I ‘villain-ised’ my ex-husband. He was easy to cast in the role: masterminding his plans to ruin my life and wreak unhappiness. Every action, his inflexibility with weekend agreements to not returning teddies after visits, I took as an affront. So entrenched was I, that when often only single socks were returned, I could only see his plot to slowly bankrupt me.

Like a child believing in the boogie-man, I lived in dread and anxiety, always anticipating the worst.

These stories perpetuated my bad feeling towards him. With such an enemy it was easy to play victim, garner sympathy, apportion blame, and justify my own (bad) behaviour in return.

When we feel hurt or threatened, ignored, unheard, or disrespected, it triggers defensiveness. We jump to strike back, get even, act spitefully. But in doing so we become equally ‘a bad guy’ in their eyes and so the cycle continues.

It can be convenient to have a villain to blame ... but not life-affirming.

Are the stories we make up, the truth? Is so much done with ill-intent? I’ve accidentally pulled out in traffic, rushed packing and forgotten things — I wasn’t out to ‘get’ anyone. Aren’t most of us just busy trying to be the hero of our own story? Who’s got time for evil plan-hatching? We may unintentionally do things that are perceived as stepping on another’s needs. Or take actions or decisions in good faith that upset, hurt or hinder someone, or just trigger some old wound they hold thus unwittingly becoming ‘the bad guy’ of their story, or vice versa.

When we find ourselves name-calling, blaming, feeling victim to some ‘villain’s’ actions, what really are the facts? Is it really likely that it’s personal? Have we ever done something similar, perhaps in a different context?

What else could these actions be caused by or mean?

Empathy allows us to step outside our childish ways and put aside the fairytales. It liberates us from the behaviour loops, the hurt and fear. When we step into our empathetic adult self, we let the likes of Lex Luthor, the Big Bad Wolf, The Vengeful Sock Thief ... all those imaginary cronies, confine their dramas to the storybooks where they belong!

Julia Pitt is a trained success coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com.