WHAT little is left of my rapidly thinning hair is just about on the verge of being pulled out by the roots. My blood pressure has soared to beyond-the-Richter-scale levels and my gorgeous little acrylic nails are now churning around in my tummy.

This current state of acute physical malaise is all due to termites who have decided to move in and come and live with us.

By the looks of things they have dined extremely well. using every floorboard in the house to meet their breakfast, lunch and dinner dietary requirements for what must have been at least the last several decades. My bedroom, it appears, is the most delicious and appetising room on offer in our household smorgasbord; and from the looks of things, it seems quite surprising that my bed hasn't long since crashed through the foundations of the house as that area seems to be the main restaurant.

Needless to say most of the floorboards have had to be replaced and at the same time, all of them sanded and varnished.

This was supposed to be about a two-week ordeal and one that, of course, we were dreading. Every stick of furniture had to be removed, apart from the two little rooms at the end of the house that, miraculously, these odious little creatures had not managed to penetrate.

I resigned myself to the fact that the next couple of weeks were going to be hell.

My mother would be sleeping in the back bedroom and I would be on a mattress on the floor in the family room. There was no room in the only cupboard available as my mother got there first. So I had to pack a huge valise as if I were going on a round-the-world trip (I wish that I had) and live out of that.

Of course removing all the furniture was like opening a bottomless can of worms (or, more appropriately, termites) as now it appeared that all the walls and base boards had to be painted, treated and restored as well.

Now the two weeks have stretched into nearly a month and I am still to be found on the mattress on the floor which also serves as a nesting place for the dogs, a magnet for the 80 millions tons of dust from the sanding machine and a stumbling block for my mother as she tries to wend her way to the kitchen at some ungodly hour in the early a.m. to get her breakfast ? routinely walking over my face as she goes.

The fun continues. Yesterday one of the dogs fell through one of the gaps in the floorboards and then decided that this uncharted territory could be a possible rodent hunting ground and so vanished in search of his prey.

It's amazing, actually. Digger is 15-years-old and still hasn't lost the touch as far as depositing wonderful little gifts of half-dead rats on the dining room floor is concerned.

There was absolutely no way I was going in after him; and there was absolutely no way that he was coming out off his own volition (not to mention the fact that he is so old he would have considerable difficulty jumping his way out of his new, subterranean glory hole).I called and called him, shouting out promises of "Walkies!", but to no avail.Digger was definitely turning a wilfully deaf ear to everything apart from the ongoing rodent action taking place in the foundations of the house.I had to come up with some kind of solution and the only thing I could think of was trying to lure him out with something that tasted more delicious than rat.

Digger has a penchant for smoked salmon, so I devised what I thought was a most ingenious little trap.

There I was sitting on the floor holding a long piece of bamboo, attached to the end of which was a four-foot length of string with some fresh smoked salmon tied to the bottom.I was fishing for dog through the floorboards, which was certainly a first even for me. If any of the workmen had happened upon this unlikely scene they could have been forgiven for placing an emergency call to St. Brendan's.

The bait proved to be the perfect lure. Smoked salmon prevailed over freshly killed rat and before too long I was hoisting up through the floor a very good sized Dandy Dinmont Terrier and landing him on the termite-decimated dock.

Not a huge amount on the food front this week although a group of us did go on Sunday to try out the Salt Rock Grill in Somerset for lunch. I had noticed their advertisement on this page last week and loved their claim that "the only thing that they overlook is the ocean". We spent a little while trying to find it and then realised that it is where the old Loyalty Inn used to be and, more recently, Gregg's Steak House.

It was such a gorgeous sunny day that we decided to sit outside and, of course, you just gaze across at Mangrove Bay and Cambridge Beaches which is one of my favourite little vistas in all of Bermuda. The restaurant is owned by the same people who operate The Beach and appears to have the same sort of menu. All the good old favourites plus on Sunday a quite extensive Brunch menu with Codfish and the works. Everyone was in burger mode apart from me. I had a delicious thigh-enhancing grilled chicken sandwich smothered in Swiss cheese, fried onions and mushrooms.

I loved every mouthful, as did the burger munchers particularly as their fare appeared to be char-grilled and there was a proper wedge of melted real cheese on top and not the processed kind.

The waitress was very sweet and friendly and there were no complaints from this end. As I said we didn't really have a fair sampling of the menu so I can't enlighten you anymore ? you will just have to go and check it out for yourselves especially if it is a lovely day and you can sit outside.

We decided after lunch to go and wander around bits of Somerset that we hadn't frequented for a while and ended up going to the now defunct EcoVillage at Daniels Head.

What a sorry, forlorn ghost town this now is. Completely deserted and overgrown, very, very still with the odd door creaking open in the breeze and actually emanating a rather spooky atmosphere altogether.

No doubt it won't be very long before some enterprising property developer comes along and rips down the little stilted-huts that sit over the water, replacing them with wall-to-wall condominiums.

Bermuda should be renamed Condoland because that's all you see now. Gone are all the cow grazing pastures, woodlands, rambling beach fronts and grassy areas of our childhood; all you will find today on any lot of land even slightly larger than a postage stamp is condo after condo after condo.

It is heartbreaking to view Bermuda from the air these days as it now resembles a vast, mid-Atlantic concrete jungle, overdeveloped, overpopulated and horrendously overpriced. This is almost literally a case of paving paradise to put up a parking lot (one attached to a condo development, of course). We have, in just two or three decades, spoilt an island that had remained Eden-like throughout more than 350 years of its inhabited history. Our greed is only matched by our environmental short-sightedness.

Thank God for the golf courses. Even though I don't play the game very well or very often, the courses have become the last great greenbelt areas on the island ? a sort of unofficial national park system.

I wish more than anything that Government could act to protect what little remains of our countryside.

But even if very harsh restrictions on further development were put into place now, it would be too late to reverse the damage that has already been done.

As Easter is fast approaching, I figured that you might be doing more than a little entertaining. So I think you'll find the following pizza recipes quite interesting. At my house (or at least the skeleton of a house that the termites have bequeathed to us) we have our big holiday feast on the evening of Easter Sunday; so I tend to prepare a variety of pizzas for lunch on Easter as well as on Good Friday if friends are dropping by.

They are quick and easy to prepare as well as being very, very delicious.

You can actually buy pizza dough from many restaurants already fully made up, which saves a lot of hassle. On the other hand you can also use French bread, pastry or pita bread as the base for your toppings.

If the weather is in our favour over the holidays you might want to drag the old barbecue out and try the grilled Pizza with Smoked Salmon and Capers (Digger's favourite, needless to say). Whatever the occasion they are all very good dishes. So give them a whirl.

1/4 pound, peeled, cooked small shrimp, 2 tablespoons olive oil, divided, 3 garlic cloves minced, 1/4 cup finely minced red onion, fresh black pepper, 1 1/2 tablespoon fresh chopped oregano or dill, 1 (12 ounce) package pita bread, 6 ounces crumbled feta cheese, 3/4 cup pitted Kalamata olives, coarsely chopped, 1 1/2 cup shredded Mozzarella cheese.

Combine shrimp with 1 tablespoon olive oil, garlic, onion, pepper and herbs. Let stand for 10 minutes. Place the pita bread on a baking sheet and brush with remaining 1 tablespoon olive oil. Sprinkle evenly with feta and olives. Arrange the shrimp mixture over this and sprinkle with Mozzarella. Bake at 500 degrees for 6-7 minutes or until the cheese melts.

1/2 (17.3 ounce) package frozen puff pastry, thawed, 1 large egg, lightly beaten, 3 1/2 ounce shiitake mushrooms, stalked and finely sliced, 3 1/2 ounces oyster mushrooms, finely sliced, 1 large shallot, minced, 1/2 cup dry white wine, 1 tablespoon fresh chopped thyme, 1/4 teaspoon salt, freshly ground black pepper, 1/3 cup whipping cream, 8-10 ounces lobster meat, thinly sliced, 1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan.

Roll out pastry on a lightly floured surface into a 12x15 inch rectangle and transfer onto an ungreased baking sheet.

Cut a one-inch strip from each side and brush bottom of strips with beaten egg. Prick the centre of the pastry with a fork and bake at 400 degrees for 13 to 15 minutes or until golden brown. Melt the butter in a large, non-stick frying pan over a medium heat. Add the mushrooms and shallot, stirring often for about 5 minutes or until the mushrooms are tender.

Add the wine, thyme, salt and pepper and continue cooking for 2 minutes or until the liquid has been absorbed. Add the cream and cook for 1 minute more. Spread the mushroom mixture over the cooked pastry and top evenly with the lobster and cheese. Bake at 400 degrees for about 5 minutes or until the cheese has melted.

1 pound pre-purchased pizza dough, olive oil, 8 ounces smoked salmon cut into 1/4 inch wide strips, 1/3 cup capers rinsed and drained, 2 cups shredded Havarti cheese, 6 teaspoons fresh chopped dill, 6 lemon wedges.

Punch the pizza dough down and divide into 6 portions and coat with olive oil. Roll each portion into an 8-inch oval and set aside on lightly oiled baking sheets. Brush grill rack lightly with oil (not too much as it might cause a blaze) over high heat (400-599 degrees).

Place dough on rack and grill for 2 minutes or until bottom of crusts are lightly browned and the tops begin to puff up (it is easier to prepare pizzas in batches).

Turn the crusts over and top with salmon, capers and cheese.

Close grill lid and grill for 1-2 minutes or until cheese melts and crusts are golden brown.

Sprinkle each pizza with dill and juice of 1 lemon wedge.