WEREN'T the boat parade and fireworks spectacular last weekend? I had such a wonderful evening on Saturday although it didn't have a particularly happy ending. I couldn't believe it when after and evening full of merriment and joy ? I returned to my car to see that I had a ticket glaring out at me from the drivers window. I mean, really, how low can you get?

The Christmas Boat Parade is one of the highlights ? if not highlight ? of the Bermuda calendar. I could have understood ticketing us all if we had been dangerously parked or had been an obstruction but this was definitely not the case.

I find it a blatantly cruel act to punish people on an evening when the joys of Christmas prevail and as we learn from an early age this should be the time of peace on earth and in goodwill to all men and cooking columnists!

Talk about playing the role of Scrooge to the max! The police could have very easily turned a blind eye in this instance and used their manpower in more constructive ways. God knows, I can think of any number of things that they could have been doing that evening ? solving crimes, for instance, springs immediately to mind. But, "No", the boys and girls in blue instead decided to give people who were having fun a nice hefty fine just so they could ruin what had been a perfectly enchanted evening.

How pathetic. How senseless. How bureaucratic beyond any hope of redemption.

I had some out of town guests visiting from Australia and decided that it would be fun to take them to Waterloo House to watch the boats and then to have dinner there afterwards. It couldn't have been more magical sitting outside there right on the water's edge sipping a Planters Punch and gazing at the wondrously decorated armada of boats gliding past under a starry, moonlit sky.

The dinner also was sheer perfection, beautifully presented in the most gorgeous of surroundings. Waterloo House really is a little gem and seems to come into its own in the evening hours. It has lots of little fireplaces, which were all lit and blazing with wonderful smelling logs ? a real fire not the fake gas log type.

The lighting is subtle and complements the elegance of the striking d?cor. You feel as though you are strolling through someone's extremely chic country home and not in the public rooms of a hotel. The Christmas decorations are magnificent and the dining experience, as I mentioned, was sublimely spectacular.

If you are thinking of going out for an evening filled with gastronomic delights and with a sparkling Christmassy ambiance then look no further than Waterloo House. Dial up immediately and make a reservation.

I am seriously suffering from sleep deprivation at the moment and am thankful that at least I'll have a few hours on the flight to London tonight when I can hopefully get a bit of uninterrupted shut eye.

In the wee hours of Saturday morning I had no sooner put my pounding head on the pillow when the telephone rang. In normal circumstances these middle-of-the-night telephone calls usually pertain to some act or other that one of my boys has committed which might not be to the likeing of the police force (you may remember from a previous column that Piers had successfully managed to climb up the bowline of one of the cruise ships at 3 a.m.)

As I staggered towards the phone I hazily recalled that my boys aren't in Bermuda at the moment so it couldn't possibly be the police calling up for a chat at 4 in the morning. Well, it might as well have been because this was my houseguest calling to inform me that he's had a slight misunderstanding with the kerb by the round-a-bout at Trimingham Hill and had had a bike accident.

He'd been to Emergency with a police escort, had broken his collarbone and was now locked up in a cell having been charged with imbibing in way too many cocktails. Could I please come down to the nick and bail him out?

I am now an old fixture down at the police station in the middle of the night and might as well have my own desk down there selling bail bonds. Of course I agreed to go and help him out but could have quite easily taken a flight to New York given the length of time it took the police to do all the paper work.

As luck would have it, I arrived home just gone 7 thinking that I would be able to climb back into my seriously neglected bed. But the gardeners had turned up moments before and the leaf blowers were out in full force (someone said the other day that the discordant noise that they make should be Acorean National Anthem!) naturally just under my bedroom window, so that was that for another 15 hours or so.

I am now being extremely busy emulating Florence Nightingale and attending to this poor, injured boy ? as we all know male patients are really, really pathetic! My frantic state has now reached near panic because as I write this I should be preparing to depart for the UK and, of course, I still have to pack, wrap my presents, do my laundry, collect my ticket and so on and so forth. I have no one else to blame but myself and it is all due to a dynamic little gathering yesterday lunchtime at Docksiders. Not your archetypal venue for a normal ladies luncheon ? but these, of course, were not your normal or ordinary bunch of girlies. These are hard-core, vintage ravers of the finest ilk!

In fact most of them could be described as a vintner would do fine wines. Full bodied, ripe, fruity, ageing well and with lots of pizzazz. I very stupidly thought that I could attend this lunch and get going to do all those aforementioned chores at around 2.30 and awake this morning with a clean slate to pack at my leisure.

Silly, silly me. I really should have known better. Things started off sedately enough with a gathering at the bar for a little aperitif or two followed by a light lunch of Chicken Caesar and some delicious chowder. No one would have ever imagined that behind the somewhat demure fa?ade of this Ladies Lunch lurked 20 or so wannabe back-up singers for every rock n' roll band know to man.

One of the ladies is an absolutely brilliant (and I do meantalented) keyboard player/chanteuse and she was totally responsible for the huge success that the late morning/afternoon/evening turned out to be (apart, of course, from the three hostesses who made the guest list up in the first place!)

We all had songbooks and after lunch got up from our places and congregated around the keyboard to sing Christmas carols. This went on for a couple of hours and was a delightful way to finish up the lunch ? or that is what I thought. The carol sheets were then replaced by the most wonderful songbook ever compiled, containing all of the best hits from the 1950s onwards. By this stage of the game every single girlie had let her hair down to its fullest extent and it was now time to really get down and party and to let the eastern end of Front Street know there was a major concert in progress.

Misses Gibbons and Smith, dressed in appropriate garb, jumped onto a banquette seat and proceeded to go-go dance for what must have been a solid four hours non-stop. The rest of us just belted out one hit after another fuelled by the very occasional glass of white wine and the odd Slippery Nipple (a yummy, little, refreshing afternoon cocktail that comprises of Sambucca with a topping of Bailey's).

By the time that the work force arrived at the other side of the bar for their regular beer after work things on our side were really jumping. I caught several men looking at me out of the corner of my eye. But these certainly weren't "'come on" looks ? rather they were expressions of incredulity. Their eyes were telegraphing the urgent message: "Please keep your distance because you must all be crazy!"

Some brave husbands arrived to cart their wives off home ? although some of them probably wished at the time that they hadn't as they were forced to swallow Slippery Nipples and then made to dance.

However the SN's do work miraculous wonders and it wasn't long before the husbands too fell into the swing of things. Needless to say my 2.30 deadline had gone out of the window hours before and Mrs Carr was seen to be crooning to at ten minutes past six. I got up this morning at 4 a.m. with a completely full slate to contemplate.

So much for the leisurely packing, God knows what I'll end up with in my suitcase, by the looks of it and at the rate I'm going at the moment it will probably be all my laundry. Never mind, it was all definitely worth the hassle that I am going through now.

They say that you should live each day as if it were your last and I have just been doing as they say but it's going on for rather a long time! Anyway, I must be off, I'll leave you with a few recipes that you might like to use over Christmas and I'm just glad that I wont have to be making any of them as I shall be busy enjoying a kitchen-free extravaganza. My ex- and my boys have promised to do all of the cooking this holiday ? which means I'll probably be getting my Christmas dinner from the nearest McDonald's!

1/2 cup sherry, 1/2 cup water, 1/2-ounce dried Shitake mushrooms, 3/4 cup finely chopped bok choy, 1/3 cup green onions, 1/4 cup finely chopped water chestnuts, 1 tablespoon soy sauce, 1 teaspoon salt, 2 teaspoons each of minced ginger and grated lemon peel, 1 teaspoon dark sesame oil, dash of hot sauce, 1/2 pound ground chicken or turkey, 24 won ton wrappers, 2 tablespoons cornstarch, 1/4 cup vegetable oil divided, 1 cup water divided Sauce - 5 tablespoons rice wine, 1/4 cup soy sauce, 1/4 cup rice vinegar, 3 tablespoons chopped green onions, 1 teaspoon of chilli paste with garlic Bring the sherry and 1/2 cup of water to the boil. Remove from the heat and add the mushrooms and allow to stand for half an hour or until the mushrooms are tender. Drain and discard the liquid. Finely chop the mushrooms and add the bok choy and the next 9 ingredients, stirring well. Working with one wonton wrapper at a time (cover the remaining ones with a damp cloth to avoid them drying out) spoon about 1- 1/2 teaspoons of the chicken mixture of each wrapper. Moisten edges of wrapper with water, bring two opposite corners to the centre of each wrapper, pinching points to seal. Bring the remaining 2 corners to the centre, pinching points to seal. Place on a large baking tray sprinkled with cornstarch. Heat 2 tablespoons of oil in a large non-stick skillet over a medium heat. Add half the potstickers and cook for 2 minutes or until the bottoms are golden brown. Add half a cup of water, cover and cook for 4 minutes. Uncover and cook for a further 3 minutes or until the water has evaporated. Repeat this entire procedure with the remaining oil, potstickers and 1/2-cup of water. All you do for the sauce is chuck the whole lot together and mix well.

1 9-ounce packet fresh linguine or the equivalent dried, 1 tablespoon butter, 1 tablespoon flour, 1 12-ounce can of evaporated milk, 3/4 cup crumbled Gorgonzola cheese, 3/4 teaspoon salt, fresh black pepper to taste, 6 cups baby spinach leaves Cook pasta according to packet instructions. While it is cooking, melt butter in a medium pan over a medium heat. Add the flour and cook for one minute stirring constantly with a whisk. Gradually add the milk still stirring constantly and bringing gradually to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer for 3 minutes so that it thickens slightly, stirring frequently. Remove from the heat and stir in the cheese, salt and pepper. Combine the sauce, pasta and spinach, tossing gently to coat.

Dressing - 1/2 teaspoon cardamom seeds, toasted, 1/4 cup buttermilk, 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil, 2 teaspoons fresh chopped mint, 1 teaspoon grated lemon rind, 1/4 teaspoon each of salt and freshly ground black pepper Salad - 12 Belgian endive leaves, 3 cups orange sections (blood oranges if you can get them) 1 cup thinly sliced radishes, 1 cup vertically sliced red onions, 1/2 cup thinly sliced, pitted dates, 4 tablespoons fresh chopped mint, Place the cardamom in a coffee grinder and grind to make a fine powder. Combine the cardamom, buttermilk and the next 5 ingredients. Place 3 endive leaves on each of 4 plates. Top each one with 3/4 cup of orange segments, 1/4 cup radishes, 1/4 cup sliced red onion, 2 tablespoons of dates, and 1 teaspoon of mint. Drizzle each one with some of the dressing and serve.

Cooking spray, 1/2 cup plus 3 tablespoons sugar, 1/4 cup milk, 2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons unsweetened cocoa, 1 1/2 tablespoons butter, 1/2 ounce unsweetened chocolate, chopped, 5 tablespoons flour, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla, 1/8 teaspoon salt, 1 large egg white, 8 teaspoons semi-sweet chocolate chips Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Lightly coat 4 ramekins with cooking spray and sprinkle 3/4 teaspoon of sugar into each ramekin, shaking and turning to coat. Combine 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons sugar, milk, and cocoa in a small saucepan, stirring well with a whisk and bringing to a boil over a medium heat. Cook for about 30 seconds or until the sugar has melted, stirring constantly. Remove from the heat. Add the butter and 1/2-ounce of chocolate, stirring until the chocolate has melted and it is nice and smooth. Cool this mixture for 10 minutes. Add the flour, vanilla, salt and egg white to the chocolate mixture stirring with a whisk until blended. Spoon 2 tablespoons of this mixture into each ramekin and top with 2 teaspoons of chocolate chips. Divide the remaining chocolate mixture evenly between the ramekins, spreading to cover the chocolate chips. Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for 20 minutes or until barely set. Cool for 10 minutes and then invert onto dessert plates, serving warm.

1 9-10 pound cooked bone-in ham (rump half or shank portion) 1 tablespoon black peppercorns, coarsely cracked, fresh raspberries, fresh herb sprigs, Raspberry Sauce - 1 1/2 cups seedless raspberry preserve, 2 tablespoons white vinegar, 2 small chillies or to taste (seeded and finely chopped) 4 cloves minced garlic Score the ham by making diagonal cuts in the fat in a diamond pattern. Place ham on a rack in a shallow roasting pan. Insert a meat thermometer in the thickest part of the ham not allowing it to touch the bone. Bake ham in a 325- degree oven until the thermometer registers 130F. Allow 1 1/2- 2 1/2 hours. Meanwhile prepare the sauce by simmering all the ingredients together for 5 minutes. Brush the ham with some of the sauce and cook for a further 15-20 minutes. Brush once or twice with additional sauce, remove from the oven and sprinkle on the peppercorns. Let stand for 15 minutes before carving and pass around any additional sauce when serving the ham. Garnish the platter with whole raspberries and sprigs of fresh herbs.