"How many time have I told you not to leave your bag there? Put it away?.not there?.are you deaf? You're late, your supper's been ready for ages, get into the kitchen and eat up. Not there, that's my chair and you know it! Hurry up! Look at the mess you have made - a pig would have better manners. Shut up?there's no time for talking and if I find that you have spilled anything on your clothes there'll be trouble!"

Does any of this sound familiar to you? It might be the tone, the content or just the steady barrage of negativity. Can you imagine how our friends would feel if we talked to them like we talk to our children?

How many would stay friends? Our children don't have the luxury of being able to walk away, instead they get worn down and their self confidence, self esteem and behaviour suffers.

Most of us would never dream of harming or frightening a child, but we can easily end up doing just that, without thinking; when we are tired, annoyed, overstretched and we react with anger or rage, unaware that children cannot not understand or cope with raw adult emotions.

It is easy to find ourselves name-calling, fault-finding and attacking. When we use the word 'you' a lot in an aggressive tone of voice, we can be pretty sure that we are in a negative, blaming mood, putting our children (or partners - think about it!) down and discouraging them.

"What do you think you are doing? You're just a selfish pest! You haven't stopped bugging me all morning. If you don't shut up, I'll lock you in your room and then you'll see I really mean it!"

Although this sounds shocking I suspect that many of us have said things like this?.I know I have.

So is there anything we can do instead? How do we correct behaviour we don't like and discipline our children in a way that builds them up and encourages them.

One thing that has been found to help is to correct the behaviour but not the person. For example, it is better to say, 'that was a naughty to do' than to say 'you're a naughty little

Most 'you' messages are unhelpful because they blame or attack the child rather than the behaviour and they can start thinking of themselves as: selfish, naughty, lazy etc.

Something else that has been found to be helpful is that instead of using 'you' messages, use 'I' messages. Speak personally, instead of blaming.

More examples: 'I'm angry that you hit the baby - I won't take that behaviour'. 'I'm annoyed you've spilt that when I've just cleaned the floor.' If we look at 'I' messages in more detail it seems that they fall into three categories:

You simply say what you : 'I'm annoyed you got out of bed.' Or 'I was glad to see you playing with her.' Or 'I don't like it when you do that'.

Or you say what you : 'I really need you to be quiet. I have had a hard day and I'm tired.' Or 'I need some time to myself.'

Or you say what your is: 'I want you to eat with a spoon.' Or 'I can't allow you to do that'.

Can you see how these 'I' statements do not accuse, demean or attack? 'I really need you to be quiet.' is so much more respectful than, 'will you shut up and go away'.

What we are teaching children with a good 'I' message is that it is okay to have feelings and needs, and that there are healthy ways of dealing with anger - that frustration can be talked out instead of being acted out.

The tone of our voices is also important. A disapproving, impatient or critical tone of voice will obviously affect the way a child experiences what you say. Often our tone is not deliberate. There may be deep feelings within us that make it difficult for us to speak calmly.

A first step may be to find someone to whom you can talk frankly about your frustrations. We know that discipline, correction and instruction are a necessary part of parenting, but they shouldn't be the only way we communicate with our children.

How can we communicate better with our children? Take babies first. A baby may not be able to understand words, but they are remarkably sensitive and open to positive communication from a parent.

A baby will watch you carefully and senses your moods from the look on your face, the ways you touch them, your silence, your smile, your tone of voice.

Researchers have found in many studies that messages of love from a parent; a smile, a hug, a word, have a calming, reassuring effect even on tiny babies.

The reverse is true when our tone is aggressive, impatient and angry. Babies brought up in an environment where most of the communication is negative or disrespectful will suffer in the long-term.

As children get older, they have the same need for positive attention and affirmation. They need to hear often that we love them, and not just to guess it!

Speaking positively does not come easily to many of us. Psychologists observing parents communicating with small children recorded the number of corrections, accusations, instructions, threats, yes/no questions, warnings and put downs they heard - and the number of friendly comments.

They found very few friendly comments! Their conclusion was that, even when parents are not speaking disrespectfully to their children, there is still a serious lack of positive communication in what is being spoken.

So what can we do to make the way we talk with children a more positive, friendly experience for them? Watch this space!