Dear Carla: A girlfriend of mine was seeing this guy for four years, an expat. She had clues that he was married, he denied it. He was committed to her fully.

Eventually he went back to his home country to live but instead of breaking contact, they continued to speak; she says he would message her all the time — promising to return to Bermuda.

After a year she finally gets tired and hires a private detective because things still don’t seem right. She finds out the man was married the entire time, living with his wife and child but he denies it and says things are not what they seem.

Do you think that it was right for her to have the PI deliver a letter and pictures to his wife letting her know of their affair? Curious to see what you are going to say. — SHOULD SHE?

Dear Should She: I am really between two minds. Nothing irks me more than a cheater, male or female. Especially when they have another’s emotional well being in their hand.

So in that vein I would tell her to send to wife but in reality I’m going to say to you ... what exactly are you trying to accomplish? To hurt his wife? To ruin his family? But let’s just say that is your objective.

So you think that will draw him closer to you? I think you would most certainly alienate him. And why does his wife have to know? And who says she didn’t?

A four-year separation, even with occasional visits, must be hard so who needs this rubbed in their face? I would suggest your friend sever contact with him and move on in her life.

The evidence she got from the PI should have been enough to make her cut him off, not hurt his wife.

Dear Carla: What do you think about this? You have three children for someone who has to pay you $75 per child a week through the courts.

He pays sometimes, but in the past has accumulated $10,000 in arrears in child support. In the meantime our children have extra curricular activities to be paid for, doctor visits, dentist visits, food, clothing and whatever comes up in the meantime.

He has now told the children he will give them each a quantity of cash for Christmas but will put it in the child support account “and your mama can give it to you”.

While that’s nice and all, how is it that I must give them money from the account for Christmas while I still have to provide a roof over their head, food in their mouth, electricity, water, and everything else that comes up, and they spend the money however they chose?

Am I wrong for thinking Christmas money and child support money should be separate? Times are hard right now. I have been trying to teach them that right now we have to put our wants aside and get what we need. — FRUSTRATED

Dear Frustrated: What an idiot. How can he set you up like that? Child support money and gift money are two separate things unless he puts extra in the account. He’s not stupid though. That’s a slick move on his behalf.

Why can’t he give them the amount in their hand or in a card if he doesn’t want to deal with you? I swear some guys have no clue what it costs to raise a child. And then leaving you to look like a bad guy.

If your children are old enough sit down and talk to them. Explain to them the purpose of child maintenance and outline their regular expenses so they can have a real look at what it costs to raise them. Hopefully they will see how unfair it is for him to put you and them in this place. Good luck.

Dear Carla: I found out my ex-boyfriend was cheating with an ex-girlfriend. I was hurt and angry and told him that the relationship is over.

I also told him I wanted no further contact with him at this time but perhaps down the road we can be friends.

I do not wish to communicate via any sort of medium. He has a problem with it and thinks I’m acting immature. I disagree and feel this is the only way I can heal in peace. Who’s right? FINISHED

Dear Finished: I don’t think either of you are wrong because you are looking from different (and self-serving) perspectives. It sounds like he doesn’t want to let go and it sounds like you are hurting more than you care to admit.

I think time heals all wounds and he needs to accept that you need to get over what has happened. And if he can’t accept it the least he can do is respect it.

He may have realised his mistake and wants to show you that but right now may not be the time.