AN organisation is hoping a host of planned initiatives will successfully "engage the community in a reality check about the perils of children raising children and fatherless homes". Phenomenal Women Inc. is behind a series of ongoing programmes and a one-day event designed to bring families together and highlight the importance of having fathers spend time with their kids. President of the organisation Margaret Giloth this week shared her feelings on the importance of her message and the impact she hopes it will ultimately have on the community with the Mid-Ocean News.

The men of Bermuda have fallen under the microscope of Phenomenal Women Inc., a local charity started by Margaret Giloth in 2005. Although initially a faith-based organisation aimed at empowering females, its members decided a restructuring of its focus was necessary, in order to better meet the needs of the community.

A 'National Men's Day' has been planned for September 13 in concurrence with a host of initiatives designed to restore the family unit and encourage fathers living apart from their children to spend more time with them.

Mrs. Giloth said Iron John, A Book About Men by British author Robert Bly, partially inspired the change.

"He was incarcerated for many, many crimes - drug dealing, fighting, the whole gamut. But he had his transformation, if you like, in prison and he's since come out. He's only in his mid-30s. He's married with children and a junior pastor in one of the biggest churches in England and (is) just going around the world doing great work talking about transformation. That really inspired me because I felt some empathy for our prisoners here - our people who find themselves in trouble. They don't have the breadth to move to another state and recover, to get away from the elements. It's really hard for our people here to start a new life. And that's when it hit me - the whole community has to change, not just the inmate. We have to change how we look at him, how we support him. Do we give him jobs to perform? He has to earn a living. If he can't find a place to live, if he can't get a job, he's going to go back into jail. And that's what we're seeing."

She said a newspaper article quoting Prison Officers' Association chairman Craig Clarke, confirmed her opinion as correct.

"So the signs are all there. What are we doing?"

The men's initiative, Mrs. Giloth said, was borne out of that.

"It came along as a way to get together as a community. A way to see what our men are about, to redefine them if need be. Let's look at the father situation."

A canvas of the prison population would reveal that many inmates have children, she added.

"They're all fathers. And so I looked at the impact of the father on the family. We know the family has taken a real hit in Bermuda, as around the world, but in our little island the father has become absent in too many households. Everywhere you turn the mother identifies herself as a 'single mother', often with three children. Where's the father? Many times he's absent from the children's life although we (all generally) live in a close proximity."

Mrs. Giloth said other jurisdictions had already compiled all the data Bermuda needs on the issue - that statistics on the effect absentee fathers have on children are readily available for review.

"They're more likely to commit crime, more likely to be poor, more likely to use drugs - it's not a prescription. I meet many successful women who have raised children on their own so it's not to say it's across the board. But in my further research on (the book by Robert Bly) it states categorically that a woman cannot fulfil that which is lacking from the father no matter how much she tries. So yes your children go on and attain degrees and do great, but they're lacking."

She said the author describes that missing part as "a substance that exchanges between the father and son".

"Without that substance, the boy is likely to be lost. He's searching for it all of his life. Robert Bly uses mythology in his book to get the point across. It's like salt that exchanges between the two and he's lacking it. So he's got this father-hunger all his life. Then he meets a young woman and he's over the moon about her and he thinks she's going to replace it but she doesn't. Once the honeymoon's over then comes the trouble. But by now, she's had a baby - she might be one of three women that he's had a child with - and his head is lost. And what does he choose to do? Hang out on the wall with my buddies and knock back a couple of (Heineken). That's the characterisation of our Bermuda men. And it troubles me."

The issue represented a departure from the issues once taken on by her organisation, Mrs. Giloth admitted.

"I created this charity for women to empower women - to help them heal themselves, restore their life to where they want it to be and to put them on a path to success according to their definition. One of the things I witnessed when I came back to Bermuda was this gloom profile of women here. Now I understand why. They're burdened with so many struggles. They've got the kids. They've got male problems - boyfriend, husband issues - and there are just no answers. And so I (decided to) create this women's charity to provide support, encouragement and uplift. By sharing success stories with women we can help each other.

"Midway last year Phenomenal Women changed their purpose. We were specifically for women. We were for empowering women. We had monthly meetings where we'd get all the ladies together. And then I went to a conference on running a charity (where it was made) so patently clear you're just doing activities if you do not have an agenda, a real, clear mission. I decided to change (based) on that. My aim was to help people. Running fashion shows - I could do that with my eyes closed. I wanted to have a clear purpose where we could add value to the community.

"We changed our byelaws and we had a board resolution. We are (now) social change agents. That's where this outreach comes into play. In our support group, everyone had men problems. Men stopped me on the street (asking) when I was (to create a) Phenomenal Men because they needed help."

Despite the requests, Mrs. Giloth decided against organising a group for men.

"I wanted it more of a community outreach where we celebrate men and we recognise the importance of the men in our lives - father, brother, uncles, grandfathers. I had so many topics under this, I knew I had to define it further."

She decided to focus on two elements: rebuilding the family unit and establishing better relationships between fathers and their children.

"I grew up here in Bermuda. My parents separated when I was about 11 years old. I then took over many of the lead functions because I had to support my mother. That's where I learned responsibility - too early but nevertheless it served me well in life. My father was living a ten-minute walk away but we never saw him. It's difficult for me to talk about that because we never developed a relationship but I know it's important to this mission for people to know that it's personal as well. I know the gap that is in my heart for not having a father and I wonder how my brothers fared. So I'm on this mission in my family - even at this stage - to rebuild that. It's never too late for a father to put his arms around his child. I don't care if they're 60 years old and he's 85. It's never too late and that's the message I want to get out to Bermuda.

"There are so many broken families in this little island because of something somebody said years ago. They don't speak to this cousin and these aunts don't talk - I've got that in my family too. I came with all these ideals to help repair that but if it's not in people's hearts¿..So you look deeper and deeper into that and then you see they're so wounded. That's what's driving us."

She quoted a passage from Robert Bly's book she felt applied directly to that scenario: 'We radiate destruction when we break down these relationships'. Mrs. Giloth said this particular observation resonated with her. "I just see that. When one generation stops speaking to each other then that impacts their children and (it goes on and on). It's radiating destruction. Families need to be there for each other. It's all we have."

Similarly, fathers need to play an active role in their children's lives, Mrs. Giloth added.

"I work with families and children and I see this cycle where there are all these single mothers and the little children are wounded. (I came to the realisation) we've got to get fathers back with their children. There's a lot of mothers who don't want their children's father to have access to them. I (tell them) I don't care what went on with you two - mom and dad - you cannot deprive the child. There's a lot of fathers I've discovered, who want to see their children."

As a means of addressing the situation, the charity head created CHADDT - Children and Dad's Time Together.

"It is a programme of nurturing for fathers with their children. It requires the social clubs. We've engaged the social clubs to provide a space to allow fathers who don't have access or a proper space to meet the kids or where that mother is estranged and says he's not seeing my child. If we could get some social workers to come and be monitors in this environment, the father and child can be joined together after school and they can go and spend half an hour, an hour having some quality time. That's just a little plug but I know it will be so meaningful."

She said she had been shocked on the first occasion a young boy walked up to her as a stranger, sharing how he would be attending court with his parents battling over visitation rights.

"The child was six years old. That's sad - and he did it twice, the same child to me. (The aim) is not to be harsh on mothers who are trying to protect their children - understandably - but it's to say to both parents, 'This is your issue. Your child needs time with both parents'."

'Who's Your Deddy?' is a second programme that Phenomenal Women hopes will prove of community benefit. As part of it, the organisation is circulating a questionnaire asking persons about their relationships with their fathers and their understanding of fatherhood. Respondents do not have to give names.

"You would be surprised - although you may not be - what has been revealed to me since I started doing this. Ultimately I'd like to write a book but right now I'd like to start with a CD that I can take to schools."

Part of the wider initiative is to play out in September when Phenomenal Women is to hold a National Men's Day. "We engaged some experts from overseas to come and help us - acquaintances of mine who have written programmes about families and building up those relationships and specifically about absent fathers. A lot of men don't understand that (their child) needs them because they never had that themselves."

She hopes that hosting a public event will help eradicate the stigma many men attach to counselling, that eventually, more will feel comfortable approaching professionals for help.

"Men don't typically go for help. They don't even want to acknowledge the problem. So I feel that by bringing this out into the community it helps lessen the stigma about social help. And by bringing the social agencies in the mix, in a more informal setting (it lets them know) what's available. A lot of people in Bermuda don't know what's available for social issues, for family help and we have some wonderful institutions and charities here that have taken this on." In that vein, relevant agencies on the island have been invited to participate in the event.

"I believe if a young man is struggling - he feels guilty about certain things but doesn't know how to deal with them - and he walks around the field and stumbles on a tent that addresses his issue, he may get a flyer and a contact and then the support process is in place.

"(I'm hoping it might) also heighten our awareness as to what other programmes are necessary here. That's why we want to bring some experts in to partner with our experts to say, 'Okay, what about this?' Sometimes we just need that prod, a sharing of the best practice - this worked in a similar demographic to Bermuda, maybe you guys can implement this. It will all take time and it will take work, but we've got to start somewhere.

"Nobody knows Bermuda's problems like Bermudians. We know what our issues are - we just have to start facing them. We've lived in this era where (we're considered) so wealthy, the island is so beautiful - all of that's true but who's the wealth for? A certain segment. There's a lot of poor people here now. They need assistance and the Government can't do it all. We need to start working on what we can ourselves - that's what charities are here for."

Although not professionally trained, Mrs. Giloth said she has years of experience working in aid of various social causes.

"I became interested as a teenager and I'm sure it's as a result of my childhood, missing my father. I've always had a heart for people. And being raised by a single mother who was struggling - she had to work three jobs to make ends meet - and stepping in to fill the gap. That's probably what set me on this path. And then (there's) my spirituality - I believe in living a purposeful life. I've lived life to the max. I've always been in the helping field but now I am even more so because I feel the time I have left has to be really meaningful and it's only meaningful if you help other people.

"My goal in life is truly to empower people and to provide uplift in their life. That's my mission. I've been in business most of my life. But my postgraduate training has started in theology. I wanted to take it to the next level in terms of ministry but I don't like to be confined too much. I've mentored in crisis shelters in the States, I've done lots of training workshops in all kinds of helping areas, but I didn't want to become a social worker. I started out studying psychology but decided it wasn't for me. It's just my heart. So I've got years of training in various aspects of it but I have no formal social work training because that's not where my heart has taken me."

Persons interested in becoming involved in any of Phenomenal Women's initiatives may contact Mrs. Giloth by telephone, 734-4034, or e-mail, nmidbnorthrock.bm.