visiting Bermuda next week, a very intricate juggernaut swung into action to make the visit as safe and perfect as it can be.

Bermuda, after all, is as much on show as the Royals themselves.

By now, most of the pieces in the massive jigsaw are falling into place: security, catering, ceremonies, public appearances, tours and speeches have all been worked out. Files are growing thicker by the minute as detail upon detail is hammered out and nailed down.

Endless rehearsals are still going on for everything from curtsies to concerts, and eleventh-hour shoppers are frantically scouring the bleak racks in search of the perfect outfit.

As with all Royal visits, Buckingham Palace keeps a very firm hand on some of the requirements whilst maintaining a relaxed stance on others.

As always, local organisers have their own concepts about what is and is not fit for the Queen, so the stench of newly-dried paint and varnish will doubtless come as no surprise to the royal nostrils. Nor yet the whiff of new carpeting, upholstery and drapes.

Hopefully, the royals will also appreciate to the sudden smoothness of stretches of newly-paved roads along the Royal route.

Whether you have met their Royal Highnesses before is irrelevant. Everyone to be presented has been given curtsy, bow or handshake lessons compliments of the Bermuda Government.

And just how does one execute these mandatory courtesies? With elegance and grace, or dignity -- depending on your sex.

"Ladies who are being presented to either the Queen or the Duke should give a little curtsy, and the men a little bow of the head,'' Government protocol officer Mrs. Joan Williams, instructed. "This is done as an acknowledgment.'' No doubt, this will be good news for the less-than-lithe or well-balanced, who have been dreading the once very deep curtsies and from-the-waist bows which were de rigeur.

And how do you know when to curtsy or bow? "When the Queen approaches and makes eye contact with you,'' Mrs. Williams advised.

In deference to the royal knuckles, handshakes must be of a delicate, touch-and-withdraw nature.

"Palms and fingers to palms and fingers, leaving the thumb loosely raised over the top'' is how the Protocol Officer describes it. "No bone crushing or grabbing of the hand.'' And one must always wait for the Queen to extend her hand first. If she does not extend her hand, rein yours.

"In fact, we don't know until she gets here how much hand-shaking the Queen will do,'' Mrs. Williams explained. "Because she has her left hand in plaster, she may want to be more careful of her right.'' Spontaneous Bermudian friendliness should also be suitably curbed -- at least in the first instance, although Mrs. Williams says common sense must prevail.

"If the Queen has her private secretary with her, he will usually introduce the person being presented to her and tell her briefly about their background.

In which case, you must wait for Her Majesty to speak first. If she does not know who you are, then obviously you must introduce yourself.'' The same goes for the Duke.

And forget about "Hi Queenie'' or "Yo, Duke.'' The Queen is always addressed in the first instance as "Your Majesty'' and thereafter as "Ma'am'' as in Spam. Similarly, the Duke is "Your Royal Highness'' in the first instance, and "Sir'' thereafter.

Nerves do strange things to people, so don't be rattled if, as a man, you accidentally curtsy, or as a woman, bow.

The Queen -- and Mrs. Williams -- have seen it all before! If you are one of the Chosen Few who will be dining with the Queen, there are some points to remember. If you have a problem -- an annoying cough, an urgent call of nature, for example -- it is permissible to leave and return quietly to your seat. You don't have to choke to death or sully the carpet.

Diners should be aware that, after the Queen has finished a course, all plates are cleared from the table. Royalty does not necessarily wait for you to obey mother's orders to clean your plate! Smokers are not allowed their gift to air pollution until after the Loyal Toast, which comes at the end of a meal.

"At Stonington, we prefer no smoking at all for everyone's comfort in a small area,'' Mrs. Williams advised.

Dress codes are fairly relaxed these days and there is no truth to the belief that black cannot be worn in royalty's presence. Obviously, dresses should be suitable for the occasion. Glitter and glitz would be wrong in daytime.

For the Speaker's Dinner, ladies have a choice of either calf or full length dresses -- which is good news for those who have discovered that the local selection of formal gowns hovers between abysmal and nil.

Where formal audiences are given -- e.g. meeting members of the Corporation of Hamilton or St. George's -- and the investiture is concerned , women must wear both hat and gloves. If eating is involved, remove the gloves.

The Queen always wears a hat out of doors, and for formal receptions and investiture s. She always wears gloves. If you meet her during an informal event, such as when she is touring the hospital, hats and gloves need not be worn -- but you cannot wear one without the other.

Of course, men in similar formal situations to women are expected to wear a suit or tuxedo, as the occasion dictates.