By Slacker Mom

The teacher on the other end of the phone said: “Don’t be alarmed Mrs Slacker, but I just found your daughter smooching in the bathroom with Tommy. At least I think that’s what they were doing. They were standing very close. We have a no- touching policy at this school.”

My response: “They are four-year-olds, for goodness sake.”

When my daughter got home, she said, with daggers in her eyes: “I told Tommy it was a bad idea.”

Until then her social interactions always seemed so innocent. In the morning the children would often greet each other with big hugs.

Where did a four-year-old get the idea to play kissy face in the first place? “He has an older brother,” she explained.

“Oh,” I said, imagining some beefy teen. “So the brother is a big boy?”

“Yes, he’s six.”

I went to an all-girls school, so life in a co-ed school has been a bit of a shock.

In the following weeks, my daughter kept telling us how Tommy always glared at her, and said things like: “Pass the crayons.”

“Pass the crayons?”

“Yes, he said it in a mean way.”

I thought, “Oh no, bullying”. We arranged a meeting with the teacher. The teacher looked strangely amused.

“I haven’t noticed your daughter being bullied by Tommy,” she said.

“In fact, your daughter has been making Tommy’s life a living hell since the er ... incident.

“His grandmother came to the class yesterday to read and your daughter told her she had a very bad boy on her hands.”

Still a little doubtful, we went home and said to my daughter:

“The teacher says you’ve actually been bullying Tommy, a bit.”

From the cagey look you could see she was busted.

“He deserved it,” she said shrugging.

“You are going to have to apologise,” I said.

“You can’t treat people like that, even if you’re mad.”

The next morning I walked her to class and leaned down to kiss her goodbye.

She said: “Oh, no, mummy, there’s no kissing allowed on school property.”

Another girl ran up to hug her, but she dodged her, reminding her stoutly of the no-touching rules.

I walked away, feeling a little sad.