Dear Dr Nekia,

I know that it is common to date someone outside of your race, and I hear a lot of black men do it here for security and financial reasons. I am a black woman who is not really attracted to white men; however, lately, I have had a lot of white men show interest in me.

I am tempted to give it a try because they have so much more to offer me. They are financially stable, speak to me more respectfully, know what it is to date without complaining about the money they are spending or expecting sex in return, and know how to hold intelligent conversation. I am not saying that black men cannot do these things, but that, in my experience, many simply choose not to. Would I be wrong for dating outside of my race just because it is easier? The financial security and benefits along with being treated like a lady are enough to have me considering putting my preferences aside.

Sincerely,

Considering A White Man

Dear Considering A White Man,

When you decide to date against your preferences you have to be careful of the motive behind it. Further down the road, you do not want to find yourself in a unfulfilling relationship or marriage.

Make a list of your absolute must-haves in a partner.

If respect, financial security and morals regarding premarital sex and dating are at the top of your list, then do not compromise these things.

Your experience has been, and will continue to be your own, but the above attributes and attitudes towards dating are not a reflection of race but of culture and environment.

It is true that many black men who date white women enjoy the conveniences that may come along with that.

It is also true that you may have experienced more dating woes with black men than you think that you might with white men. But these are not reasons to date someone.

Date someone because you are genuinely attracted to and compatible with them.

Do not date someone because you think that they can make life easier or because you are frustrated with people of a certain demographic.

This would make you an opportunist and every day that you look in the mirror, you will have to live with your choice.

But if you think that giving into your frustrations and going for what you want is far more important than finding happiness in what you are attracted to, then by all means give it a try.

Just know that relationships and marriages built on anything besides genuine connection always leaves the heart yearning for something more.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My man is driving me crazy with his bike.

He gives it more attention than he does our newborn. We need a car that’s big enough and more reliable for our growing family but he puts all of his money into his bike and refuses to sell it to help with the down payment.

Why is it so hard for men to grow up and let go of their toys? I would think that our baby would come first.

There are things that I would like to waste money on too, but we simply can’t afford it and the needs of my son and my family come first. Why can’t he feel the same way?

Sincerely,

Man Toys

Dear Man Toys,

It is very difficult for some of us women to understand the attraction that men have to their tools, gadgets, automobiles and hobbies.

The thought of settling down and having children can be rather scary to men.

Boys are typically raised to run about, climb trees, get dirty, build things and fix things. It inspires a sense of freedom and exploration in the world around them.

Girls on the other hand, are typically taught to sit still, stay clean, speak softly and develop creative talents.

As a result, we become more grounded than our male peers. Thus begins the struggle between man and woman.

When men do fall in love with a woman, they become more willing to adapt to the softness in life that women tend to bring however they try to hold on to things that are a testament to their manhood.

This can be more pronounced in men who are younger or who are still maturing.

You may see his devotion to his bike as selfish, but chances are he sees it as holding onto his identity.

It is a lot to take on a woman and a child and add to that the stressors of work or financial worries; most men will quickly look for an outlet.

Make him see that you understand and value his passion as well as what he does for you and the baby. If he thinks that you are understanding and supportive, he may feel as though his individuality is no longer under attack and he may be more willing to stop resisting so much.

Just as it is important for women to have girl talk and alone time, it is also very important for men to have male bonding and time to themselves.

If you allow your man to spend time with his peers and to escape to a hobby or pastime, you will have a more balanced and less stressed man.

On the other hand, if his habits cause him to neglect you and your son you may need to find out if there are family, baby, or relationship issues that he is unhappy or stressed about.

Yes, the wellbeing of your baby should come first, but be careful not to make everything a battle where he feels he will have to choose between the people and things that he loves.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com