I have a friend who apologises for being her. The telephone rings. “Hello?” I say. “Hello Julia, it’s just Suzy…”

She says it every time she calls, “it’s just Suzy”, as if to say, “I hate to disappoint but, before you get excited, it’s only little, old me.”

I am excited though! I haven’t spoken to my lovely friend in a year, there’s no JUST about it. It’s Suzy! Not like “Here’s Johnny!” from The Shining… but it’s Suzy, the very person I was hoping to hear from. She just doesn’t see that though.

I understand it. I, too, am a chronic self-deprecator and I promise you it isn’t for effect. I don’t notice I’m doing it until someone points it out. “Sorry I’m late,” — well, that’s a given. “Sorry, I look a mess…” excuse, excuse, excuse. “I’m so clumsy/weird/fat/awkward/much, sorry, sorry, sorry.” As if I am constantly comparing myself with others and everyone else has it right and I, somehow, always wrong. Negative self-regard is the default position…

Feelings of inferiority, where do they come from? Perhaps somewhere, some time, modesty and humility served us well so subconsciously we took them to extremes. Perhaps we were compared with others as children and learnt to do the same. Perhaps it is part of a perfectionist pattern of never feeling good enough, striving for some ideal of perfection that doesn’t exist. Whatever the origins, many of us suffer from it — but this false conditioning doesn’t serve us.

Shrinking and apologising for ourselves denies that we all have a place in this world. None of us is more or less deserving of the space we occupy. Yes, other people will do things differently. Some will be faster, slower, have more or less, be shaped differently, think differently… There really is no comparison though because you are the only one who can ever be You.

Being the unique You will bring so much more to the world than your best efforts to be someone else. And you can’t always judge what that is, because you aren’t the recipient… I recently discovered this.

Suzy invited me for dinner. Suzy — a single mum with two fabulous boys, a big, lovely dog, having building work done in her house and having just come from a busy workday. Literally after “hello” it began, “sorry about the mess… sorry I’m running a bit behind”. Dinner wouldn’t be ready for another 25 minutes. “I’m so, so sorry,” she said, despite my assurances that I really didn’t care about the mess, or the time, I was here to see her.

The pudding was made, however (which she apologised for), and was a bit worried about because the fridge was on the fritz. Then my tummy grumbled, loudly (which I apologised for). Half-jokingly, she said: “I don’t suppose you fancy eating dessert first… I know that’s awfully strange, you must think I’m crazy…”

Who doesn’t want to eat dessert first?

Especially one that was so delicious!

“Sorry, it’s all backwards,” she apologised again halfway through.

Couldn’t she see this was a far more fun and interesting dinner party that the usual? She was apologising for the very things that make her special and different, a joy to be around.

The Japanese have an aesthetic tradition called Wabi-sabi, which focuses on accepting and seeing the beauty in imperfection, incompletion and transience. It celebrates life in what is. Seeing as none of us is perfect, doesn’t that mean we are all beautiful? Can we learn to let people take us as we come? Without apology. And consciously stick up for ourselves, our original, perfectly imperfect selves, as we step in and claim the “us” that we truly are?

Suzy, thank you for the best backwards meal ever… and reminding me to lovingly embrace the “what is”. You, and this goes for all of you, are beautiful and loveable… exactly as you are!

• Julia Pitt is a trained Success Coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on (441) 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com