Dear Dr Nekia,

I am looking for a serious relationship and I slept with a potential someone on our second date. I have not done that before. Now I am full of guilt. I was wondering how to bring this up with the man — that I now want to take it slow, that it’s not the type of relationship I’m looking for.

Since we already slept together, if he did lose respect how do I gain it back? I just don’t want to confuse him. Ugh. Please help! Thank you!

Sincerely,

Sex Too Soon

Dear Sex Too Soon,

Having sex early on in the dating phase does not always mean that your connection is doomed. What will determine how far things go is how well you both get along, whether there is genuine mutual interest — and the kind of man you are dealing with.

Let’s just hope that he is really into you and that he is a bit more mature than to think that a woman loses value just because she has sex with him. Nevertheless, you have to deal with how you feel about yourself. Be careful not to project your guilt onto him. We often feel guilty about things and think that others view us in the same negative light. The reality is that you had sex. Ask yourself why you did it, if it is so uncharacteristic of you. How did he act once you were finished? Has his attitude changed towards you since then?

Do not beat yourself up about it because it really makes no sense. What is done is done and, hopefully, you enjoyed it. While sex early on can interrupt or derail people from getting to know one another, a better indicator of a potential relationship is whether or not he was looking for something serious.

Do not act apologetic or guilty for having sex when you have a talk with him. Remain confident and do not tell him that sex so soon is something that you never do, because chances are that he will not believe you anyhow.

Instead, own it. You had sex and now what? Usually, it is difficult to go back to not having sex once sex comes into play, but if it is something that you would like to do, come right out and tell him.

Bottom line is that you have only gone on two dates so keep the focus on yourself right now. Just because you want a serious relationship does not mean that you should be so concerned about what this man or any other man who you are just getting to know thinks about you.

Any man truly interested in you will want to be connected to you just for who you are. And who you are is not determined by whether or not you had sex.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am seeing someone who does not please me sexually. I have a high sex drive but he doesn’t even seem to have a normal one. I am tired of feeling like I am the only one who wants to be intimate and being let down by him.

Other than sex, we work well together. It is easy to be with him and he is a hard-working, good guy. Is it wrong to leave someone just because of bad sex?

I have tried talking to him and have tried to get him to spice things up but nothing seems to be working. I do not want to be stuck in a relationship having bad sex for the rest of my life. I know I will end up cheating.

Sincerely,

Dear Good Man, Bad Sex,

You really answered your own question here. Any relationship that you see infidelity creeping into in the future, is a relationship to consider ending.

Some in your situation keep a lover on the side but, reserving moral judgment, this will be a decision that is totally up to you. Some people think it rather silly to give up a good relationship just because of poor sex, but I do not think they’re being honest. Sex is a very big and very important part of a relationship. For some it is more important than for others, but a healthy sex life reflects and builds a healthy relationship.

Ruling out any medical reasons for your sweetie’s low sex drive, it may be that sex is more important to you than it is to him, or that your styles of sex are different.

Sometimes what thrills one partner bores the other. He may be wondering why you’re not satisfied. If you are foreseeing infidelity, you have already reached a point where you are beginning to withdraw.

Countless women are in relationships where there is a void simply because they choose to stay with a man just because he is, in their opinion, a good man. A man being good is not a good enough reason to stay. We sell ourselves short when we settle.

If you stay just because you think he is a good man who you work well with, you will be missing the experience of true intimacy. Your relationship is probably lacking that fire that fuels great sex. Maybe counselling would help you both to gain clarity on what is going wrong as well as offer you more effective ways of communicating and meeting one another’s sexual needs.

Ask him if he is open to this. If he is not willing to address the problem you may need to come to terms with the fact that he is not responding favourably to your needs, which means that you will have to determine just how important sex is to you.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com