Dear Dr Nekia,

I am a married man who casually sees other women besides my wife. I do not want anything from them except for oral sex. My wife and I share a beautiful marriage together but she is not too happy about having to give oral sex, something I thoroughly enjoy receiving. Is it so wrong that I get it elsewhere? I do not sleep with these women or give them much of my time because they know the deal, so is it even considered cheating?

Sincerely,

Oral Cheater

Dear Oral Cheater,

What makes something cheating or not cheating doesn’t always depend on the actual act but the deceit that goes along with it. Any act that causes you to be deceitful, untruthful, or neglectful to your partner and marriage in favour of someone else is considered cheating.

So this could be something seemingly harmless such as conversation to the more socially accepted definition of cheating which is the actual physical act of sex. You can be an emotional cheater where you seek emotional attachment with someone else, a mental cheater where you seek intellectual stimulation from someone else, or a physical cheater.

If any emotional, mental, or physical act causes you to betray your commitment to your spouse, it is considered cheating. Your seeking oral pleasure from other women is definitely cheating if it is something that you and your wife have not agreed that it is OK for you to do. And while you may not think that you are giving much to these other women, you really are. The time and attention that you do give them, along with the secrecy and dishonesty of what you are doing, make for a recipe selfishness that will drive a wedge between you and your wife. And you may not see it now because your immediate wants are being met.

Find out why your wife is not big on oral sex, teach her how you like to be pleasured, and experiment with one another to find ways of doing it that is comfortable and enjoyable for you both. If she is dead set against it then you will need to decide if fulfilling that want elsewhere is worth the risk of ruining the beautiful married life that you say you have.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I do not consider myself to be a controlling guy but I do think that once people are in a relationship, they should act differently. I do not think that a woman should carry herself like she is single if she is not. I am trying to get my girlfriend to be more conservative in how she dresses and to stop going out so much.

She is a very sexy woman who likes to go out for social drinks and with her girls for a girls’ night but she does not understand why I think that she should slow down now that she has a man. She thinks that I am trying to control her but I am not. I just want her to be more settled and happy at home with me. Am I asking too much?

Sincerely,

She Should Slow Down

Dear She Should Slow Down,

When we meet someone, we should pay attention to their behaviours and really get to know them before deciding to enter into a committed relationship.

I find that people do not take the time to communicate about the important things when they are first dating. No one really wants to rock the boat or get too intense with heavy topics because it interrupts and can spoil the fun of getting to know someone new. But are you really getting to know them if you are not digging deeper into knowing who they really are? It is important that we begin to get very comfortable with asking questions and sharing our points of view on heavy-hitting topics such as religion, work ethic, future goals, children, marriage, finances, etc because these are the issues that can ultimately make or break your relationship. And we must not assume that people will automatically change for us or the relationship that we share with them.

Yes it is normal that ones social life would slow down once in a committed relationship, but some people are social butterflies and find it very much a part of their personality to be out there on the scene. This does not necessarily make them a bad partner, but you have to be the kind of person who is also social or can be OK with his or her lifestyle. Some people go out to parties and for drinks because they are single, and others go out because they enjoy being stimulated by social environments. If someone goes out because they are single, they are much more likely to slow down or stop the behaviour once in a relationship. However, someone who simply enjoyed the social scene will be less likely to see the need to stop because being social is so much a part of who they are. Asking them to stay home is like caging a bird who is supposed to fly.

No matter how sexy she is, it does not mean that she goes out to seek attention. Sometimes people have the misconception that a non-single person who goes out is still looking for something they are not getting at home. Yes, this could be the case for some relationships but do not jump to conclusions about it being true for yours. And even though you should have had serious discussions about expectations before committing to one another, now is the time to sit her down and find out more about her as a person.

Ask questions that will allow you to find out why she enjoys being as socially active as she is. When you met her you obviously were attracted to her and I know that there could be some fear that other men are also attracted — this is normal, but asking her to change the way that she dresses or where she goes is not the way to deal with your personal insecurities. Have a discussion about your expectations, without you coming across as judgmental or preachy, and then compromise on the issues at hand. I know that compromise is a lot easier said than done at times, but it is necessary for issues where you do not see eye to eye. If she is unwilling to compromise on these issues, that is fine and well within her right, but you may need to consider that you are not as compatible as you had hoped.