Dear Dr Nekia,

My husband and I have always enjoyed a pretty healthy sex life but last year things began to change. He became less interested in sex and blamed it on stress and being tired from work. I accepted this but I began to question things when we went on vacation and he still was uninterested although he was well rested. Now, a whole year later, his sex drive is back — with a catch. He loves to role play. I don’t mind a little of it but he wants to do it almost every time that we have sex, which makes me very uncomfortable. Am I overreacting?

Sincerely, Role Playing

Dear Role Playing,

For many couples, role playing is a healthy way of enhancing their sex life. Oftentimes we get caught up in our hectic day-to-day lives which makes it difficult to unwind enough to be able to enjoy sex with our lovers.

What should be a fulfilling, bonding experience becomes a lacklustre event of instant gratification. The result, mundane sex with the same person year after year. There are many reasons why this happens but more often than not, a breakdown in core intimacy is to blame.

We get caught up in the instant physical pleasure and theatrical performance so we hardly ever get a chance to grow sexually with one another. When boredom and routine sets in, we try to remedy it by cheating, bringing people into our bedrooms and purchasing toys.

Role playing is a typical Band-Aid approach. Adding it or similar practices to an already healthy sex life can be great, but reliance on them, or exploration of them in times of boredom, can lead to adverse consequences. This may be what happened here. Role play allows couples to take on alternate personas and leave their problems and inhibitions behind; a mental vacation if you will.

The problem here is that your husband seems to have become caught up in that world of fantasy. My guess is that he is struggling with personal issues that are affecting his confidence and pride.

Whatever caused him to withdraw sexually is also what propelled him to want to live in a world of sexual make-believe. I can understand why this would make you uncomfortable. In essence, he is not connecting or being intimate with you. In this way he is cheating because he is cheating you, himself and your marriage of deserved sexual fulfilment.

This will eventually affect your whole marriage by driving a bigger wedge between the two of you. If you wish to remedy your marriage, you will have to begin to address the underlying personal issues that he is having as well as any lingering marital upsets.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My fiancé was out of work for quite some time and he recently found a job that pays very well. Things have been rough, but I always stood by him because I believed in him.

I am so proud of him and how well he is doing in his new position, but we are beginning to have problems. Everything is his job. He works all the time and brings work home when he is not at work. Our sex life was bad when he wasn’t working because he was never in the mood, but it is non-existent now because all he does is live for his work.

Besides that, he is becoming very distant and arrogant. He was very agreeable to live with when he was unemployed, but now I almost do not recognise the man he is and I am questioning whether we should get married. He is becoming impossible and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Sincerely, He Is Changing

Dear He Is Changing,

At this point it would be best to postpone your nuptials. If he has changed so much, then you are better off taking a breather rather than carrying on with your wedding plans.

It may be that your fiancé needs a period of adjustment to settle into his new-found turn in fortune, or it may be that the situation is revealing a part of his character that was previously hidden.

There is no doubt that life brings with it ups and downs and it takes unconditional love and/or commitment to survive the tides together. In order to survive, it’s necessary for you to understand your partner’s temperament and character as they determine the actions and the choices that we make.

Hopefully, your fiancé is in a state of transition where he is strengthening himself as a man. If this is so, his overzealous attitude towards work along with his negligent attitude towards you will eventually wear off. He may just be very ego-driven right now, having regained his ability to financially support himself and his family. However, he could become engulfed in egotism and permanently change.

There are just too many variables at this point to move forward, especially if your sex life is also suffering. So, be cautious that this turn of events is not revealing an important clue as to how your fiancé will handle things in the future The current state of your relationship is no way to start off a marriage. As well, you are going to have to start thinking about how much of his behaviour you are going take on. You want to exercise patience with him, but the last thing that you want to do is get him used to treating you this way.

He has to learn how to balance work and home and he also has to tap into that agreeable side of himself once again. It is easy to be compliant and agreeable when you are unemployed or reliant on someone else, but this sometimes fades once people find their footing and regain a sense of self-value and dominance.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com