Dear Dr Nekia,

I am one of those women involved with an unavailable man. Well, he is available to me but he is in a relationship with someone else. I read your reasons for why women settle for sharing a man, but I did not fit into any of the categories that you mentioned. I have very high self-esteem and no one has hurt me so badly that I would want to be careless and hurt someone else. I simply got tired of waiting for Mr Right and decided to take things into my own hands. I enjoy his company and being with him fulfills my physical as well as my companionship needs. And I give him a break from his daily relationship. I guess you could say that it takes the edge off me being lonely and for him, it makes him forget about his stress for a while. I just wanted to put it out there that not all of us women on the side are desperate.

Sincerely,

Sharing Is Caring

Dear Sharing Is Caring,

Sharing is indeed caring, but not at the expense of others. If women knowingly decide to share a man in an intimate way that is their choice but, in your case, secrecy and deceit prevent the situation from having a positive outlook and future. If you are involved with a man who has already committed himself to someone else, then you have every intention of causing harm.

You know that if his partner should find out, she would be hurt. Interestingly enough, many women in your shoes will admit that if they were in a committed relationship, they would be devastated should the man decide to cheat on them. Cheating disrupts households, families, children, and friendships as well. You may believe yourself to have high self-esteem but I would guess that such esteem is not present across the board. Many of us have something that I like to call situational self-esteem. You may very well have confidence in some areas of your life, but in the romance department, you are lacking a bit. Think of things in terms of value. Do you value your time? Do you value your energy? Do you value your body? Do you value all that you are as a woman, and all that you have to give to a man? If you answer yes to these questions then ask yourself why you would be so willing to sell yourself so cheaply.

You are tired of waiting for Mr Right so it’s understandable that you would not have an issue with having a Mr Right Now, but are there not better options? There are plenty of single men to choose from so ask yourself why you would be so willing to get caught up in the mess of cheating. Such a situation can never truly give you what you want and need.

Not everyone needs a committed relationship to fulfil their needs, but once we introduce negative situations into our lives we automatically fall away from our true value and purpose. Make no mistake about it, no matter how much you enjoy one another’s company, the foundation of your connection is harmful and negative to all who are involved. Growing tired and weary plus loneliness is the perfect combination for desperation and, although you might not want to admit it to yourself, you have surely begun to ignore or disbelieve your value and the possibility for you to be loved and cherished in a positive way.

Dear Dr Nekia,

When is the best time of day to have sex? I have heard a lot of people say in the morning, but have also heard that nights before bed is great too. I’m a very busy woman and sometimes don’t have the energy for sex so I think it would be interesting to know how to make the best of it when it does happen. Also, are there different times for men than women?

Sincerely,

Scheduling It In

Dear Scheduling It In,

Some say that the best time is in the morning because the body is freshly waking up and should be energised after a period of rest. Also, a healthy man’s penis tends to be erect at this time, while a healthy woman’s vagina tends to be more moist and ready to receive him. Others believe that night time is the best period for sex because as you wind down from your day, you are more relaxed and able to enjoy the experience.

Both points of view are valid but both have their flaws because of modern lifestyles. For example, our stress levels are so high that many of us who are otherwise healthy, carry it to bed with us at night. This prevents us from being able to fully relax, and in turn causes us to not get a good night’s rest. There are also those who believe that the body has a daily cycle and rhythm and that different times of the day provide us with more energy than others. It is therefore best to have sex during these peak times. I would say that each individual needs to take into account how their personal bodies respond daily to stimuli. Some of us are not morning people, some of us go to bed early, while others need an afternoon nap. Try to have sex when your emotional spirits are high and your body has the most energy. This is especially important if you live a hectic or busy life. Also, your body needs proper nutrition and rest to avoid fatigue. While sex can help us to release stress, it also takes a lot of energy out of us. You will want to make sure that you have enough energy to have sex, and that you also have an opportunity to replenish through adequate rest and wholesome foods.

Some signs that you may have following sex that will warn you of the possibility of being too fatigued or overexerted for sex are headaches, dizziness, abnormal dehydration and extreme fatigue. Listen to your body and pay attention to how you feel. From there you can figure out what you need to change with regard to lifestyle, diet, and rest that can help you to be better able to enjoy sex.

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