Does your relationship alternate between good times and times of violence and abuse? Or is your abuse a daily occurrence? Most abusive relationships may have consistent patterns of abuse, with the abuse occurring every day or several times a week or month.

However, many victims avoid looking at their abuse because of a typical cycle in which a kind of attentive stage filled with regrets and promises follows an incident of abuse. This tends to give victims false hope and false reasons to deny the extent of their abuse. Abuse in many relationships goes through a cycle of violence, with recognisable stages. Knowing about these stages can help you to be aware when abuse may begin again, despite the good or manipulative intentions of the abuser.

The Violence-Buildup Stage During this stage, pressure is rising. Tension, life stresses, and the struggle for dominance and control increase in the relationship. As in the early stages of a storm, tension fills the air and builds. Warning signs appear on the relationship horizon: words, glances, actions, and intimidating gestures indicate the abuse storm is approaching.

During the buildup phase, you may be extremely sensitive and attempt to avoid or prepare for the violence, especially if there have been previous attacks.

You may think you can stay out of the way of or prevent your perpetrator's violence, but the truth is that victims usually cannot stop an abuser's attack.

Some victims become compliant or nurturing at this point, or they attempt to provoke an attack before the abuser grows extremely violent. They may try to avoid the batterer, to do everything "right'', or to manipulate the batterer's moods and actions to lessen or stop the attack.

The Violent Attack This is when the abuser explodes -- lightning strikes. This stage is the peak of the cycle, and is characterised by direct violence and attack by the abuser on the victim. Batterers may use words, hands, or weapons. They may beat, batter, scald, burn or kill. Police, friends, or family may be called, yet both abuser and victim may minimise the extent of injury and harm when outside help arrives. Denial, embarrassment, shock, confusion, and fear usually follow the violent incident.

Have you been attacked and then denied the damage done to you and violence inflicted on you? Have you reacted to abuse with numbness or disbelief? Have you blamed or accepted responsibility for your own abuse? These are common reactions of people who have been battered and abused. Responsibility for abuse does not belong to the victim -only the abuser is responsible for abusive behaviour. Abusing someone is a choice.

The Honeymoon Stage This is the calm after the storm. Batterers and victims begin to function again after the shock lessens. In the honeymoon stage couples often return to types of behaviour used in courtship. Batterers may feel sorry, guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed. They may show extreme kindness; they often offer gifts, apologies, and promises of no further abuse. They may make sincere attempts to amend their behaviours and repair the destruction that has occurred.

If you are a victim, you may feel confused, fear, shock, anger, guilt, and relief. You may be overwhelmed by emotion. During this stage, victims often accept blame for the abuse. Batterers and victims may promise each other to change, and instill new hope in their relationship; they may convince themselves or each other that the abuse will not happen again. However, unless non-abusive behaviour is learned, the abusive cycles continue.

The Back-to-Normal Stage This is the time when the debris is cleaned up, coping skills are back in place, and the honeymoon phase is over. Old habits and patterns of behaviour and communication begin to resurface. Life and "normal'' behaviour go on as they did before -- but in the distance another storm looms, and the intensity of the next incident may be more severe than the last.

If your relationship has abusive incidents that follow the stages outlined above, carefully consider the danger you may be facing. If you would like to talk to a Professional Counsellor about your situation, please call The Physical Abuse Centre at 292-4366. You do not have to tell us your name and all information is kept confidential. Help is just a phone call away.

The Physical Abuse Centre is a part of The Family Resource Network, which consists of The Coalition for The Protection of Children, The Institute of Child & Family Health, P.A.R.E.N.T.S. and The Fathers' Resource Centre. The agencies joined in 1998 to better serve Bermuda's families with a common goal and shared vision.