experiences. Unless they are dealt with in a positive and healthy way, the emotional damage can be far-reaching. In the first of a two-part series, Taste discusses separation and divorce with Dr. Denise Patton King, a professional counsellor and family life specialist.

In part two next week Dr. Patton King will discuss the issue of remarriage.

The Oxford Dictionary describes marriage as "as a close or intimate relationship, a union.'' Churches uphold the belief that such arrangements are for life by including the words "til death us do part'' in wedding ceremonies. Fairytales end with: "And they lived happily ever after.'' But unfortunately, real life isn't always like that.

So many people don't "live happily ever after'' that divorce has reached alarming proportions. In the United States it is estimated that half of all marriages end in a court of law, and in Bermuda it is believed that one in two marriages end in divorce.

The reasons for divorce are as diverse as the people who seek them, but no matter what circumstances lead up to the final separation, the process before and after it are extremely painful.

"Despite its prevalence, few spouses are prepared for the emotional and physical impact of divorce,'' counsellor and family life specialist Dr. Denise Patton explained. "Divorce ranks second only to the death of a spouse on the widely used Holmes and Rahe scale of stressful life events.'' Apart from affecting the couple themselves, divorce produces a crisis for the family as a whole: children, grandparents, in-laws, other relatives, and friends.

How everyone deals with the crisis of divorce is important for their future physical and emotional well-being. Looking to time as the great healer is as impractical as it is unrealistic.

"Research indicates that the period from separation to one year after the divorce is the hardest time for most families,'' Dr. Patton King noted.

"Major adjustments must be made at two levels: emotional and practical -- adjustment to the separation, with all the emotional upheaval that accompanies it, and adjustment to the new life, with problems in one area affecting adjustment in the other.'' Just how well a parting couple adjusts also has a significant impact upon how well their children adjust to the new situation.

"We know that children adjust better if their parents are free from adjustment problems, so the more people are able to work through the process of separation and divorce, the better their children are able to cope,'' Dr.

Patton King said.

The family life specialist explained that adjustment was a five-stage process taking place over a two- to three-year period. She characterised the stages as follows: Stage one: At least one spouse considers divorce and has begun the process of emotionally distancing him/herself through separate activities and involvements. This period is often characterised by fighting, bitterness, blaming, devaluing the partner, depression, anxiety and, always, ambivalence.

"This is often the most difficult time for the spouse initiating the separation as he/she struggles with tremendous remorse and guilt,'' Dr. Patton King said.

Stage two: The secret is revealed. A time of great distress, and for some families the most difficult time.

"Many non-initiator spouses are totally unprepared for their partner's decision and experience an overall sense of low self-esteem, powerlessness and humiliation,'' Dr. Patton King explained.

Stage three: Actual separation takes place. A very hard time for all the family. Initially, each spouse is in a state of heightened emotional vulnerability which can interfere with normal functioning. Common symptoms include: inability to work effectively, poor health, weight changes, insomnia and other sleep disturbances, sexual dysfunction, use of tobacco, alcohol and other substances.

"There is always ambivalence, and despite the anger and resentment which exists there is still the lingering attachment for the separated partner. Over time these feelings decrease, with anger remaining longer,'' Dr. Patton King said. "There is also a lingering sense of helplessness, a lack of control over life's events, and feelings of incompetence both socially and sexually.'' Other emotions included loneliness, anger, frustrated dependency needs and identity problems.

"Many are dissatisfied with the new lifestyle and wish they had tried harder to make the marriage work,'' the counsellor/family specialist noted. "The person who initiated the separation may regret it and want to reconcile, while the non-initiator spouse may have gone into therapy or started to rebound and be unwilling risk becoming vulnerable again.

"Throughout this and the following stages, each spouse is prone to tremendous emotional upheavals, to highs and lows. There may be a series of separations and reconciliations.'' Stage four: The difficult process of clarifying new boundaries begins. All members of the family experience the disruption and confusion accompanying the divorce process. New rules and patterns must be developed for all the habits and routines of daily life which once were taken for granted.

Everything changes. Households now include one spouse each, possibly with new partners. Relationships between husband and wife, between parent and child, sibling and sibling, grandparent and grandchild, spouse and family of origin, spouse and in-laws, spouse and non-family relationships (friends, work, community) all change. Relationships outside the nuclear family -- extended family friends, work, school, community -- change as well.

"All of these changes are a source of great stress and create added conflict which interfere with making the transition,'' Dr. Patton King said.

Stage five: Begins when the family has resolved the tasks of all the previous stages and has a new definition of self. New roles and boundaries have been clarified, and all members are included if good parenting is to take place.

As can readily be seen, pursuing a divorce and dealing with its many repercussions is a difficult, and at times unpleasant, experience. Few manage it really well. Many continue to carry destructive emotional baggage with them for the rest of their lives.

While most people need professional guidance to successfully weather the divorce experience, only some seek it -- possibly through embarrassment, shyness, fear, ignorance or because they feel they cannot afford the fees.

To that end, a new therapy group for people going through separation and divorce has been formed. Facilitated by Dr. Patton King, it will meet on Tuesdays between 12 noon and 1.30 p.m. in Hamilton. Each ten-session series will be restricted to six people, and strict confidentiality will be preserved.

"The group will address common emotional responses, the grief cycle, feelings associated with being left or leaving, self-esteem, and positive aspects of change, and anyone who is going through separation or divorce or who feels they haven't resolved the issues of their own divorce is welcome,'' Dr. Patton said.

She explained that men, women and children all had different ways of responding to divorce.

"Whereas in the beginning women tend to be significantly angrier than men at their spouses, they generally meet the stress of divorce head on. They become angry or depressed and recover.

"Men deal with their unhappiness by throwing themselves into work and later experience an overall low sense of well-being. It may take them longer to recover.'' In the long run, she maintained that there seemed to be a significant difference between how men and women adjusted emotionally to divorce, with more women than men experiencing a sense of emotional and psychological growth.

As for the economic consequences of divorce, Dr. Patton King explained these, too, were significantly different between the sexes.

"After divorce, the majority of men are better off financially while women are worse off. Except for young women who were briefly married and those who who had worked throughout the marriage and made enough money to be self-supporting, most women are unprepared financially or occupationally for divorce.'' Turning to the effects of divorce on children, Dr. Patton King said that, regardless of any marital tension preceding the split, few children seemed to want divorce, and research indicated that it was harder on boys than girls because generally it was the father who left home. It also appeared that boys were more vulnerable to stress, and the moving back and forth between two households in order to be with each parent was particularly hard on them. For further information on the new therapy group, telephone Dr. Patton King at 292-2667.

DR. DENISE PATTON KING -- helping couples to regard separation and divorce as a challenge and learning experience towards a stronger, healthier life.