Physical Abuse Centre's "Domestic Violence Observance Day''.

Judith Lightbourne-Bartley is the Education Officer at Student Services and Behaviour Management.

She is also responsible for meeting the diverse needs of students within the local education system.

Dr. Lightbourne-Bartley will be speaking at the BIU Hall on Thursday at noon to discuss a subject rarely addressed openly in Bermuda -- the issue of domestic violence.

"I am hoping to empower abuse victims -- and I use the word `victims' loosely, because the victims need to know they are stronger than they believe,'' Dr. Lightbourne-Bartley said.

"We allow ourselves to be victims because we believe the story that someone else is telling about us.

"Often we believe that we are `madly in love', and we think `here's someone who loves me, they wouldn't say it if it wasn't based in fact'.

"But we have forgotten what real love is...in our society, we're exposed to so many false images that we don't know what the real thing is.'' Dr. Lightbourne-Bartley said people need to be particularly sensitive to verbal abuse, which often escalates into physical abuse.

She said her own experience as an abused wife occurred almost 15 years ago -- but she suffered three years of abuse before being able to break out of the situation.

Dr. Lightbourne-Bartley said she had what many considered "an ideal family'' until her ex-husband became involved with drugs.

But she said drug abuse led her ex-husband into becoming verbally abusive -- even threatening to kill her -- before eventually physically lashing out and hitting her.

"It's so close to the woman being abused that they lose their objectivity -- they can't look over the walls that have been built up around them,'' she said. "There are different levels of abuse and behaviour that may seem normal, but is not normal.

"If there isn't a consistent respect for each other -- even in a heated argument -- then you're probably headed for some type of abuse, and you must be aware of patterns of behaviour.

"I was in denial forever...I kept hoping it would change and things would be beautiful like they were before. But I wasn't doing anything about it -- and the abuser feeds into that cycle.

"Even when I date now, it's always in the back of my mind -- am I healthy yet, or am I still attracted to an abusive type of personality?'' Dr. Lightbourne-Bartley said the experience marked her, and she has become a stronger human being as a result.

And she said she hoped her speech would cause others in abusive situations to become aware of the options available to them.

"It's made me extremely independent, but it's also very painful when you make vows that you thought would last forever.

"I didn't believe in divorce, but I had no option -- it was either divorce or be killed. But women -- or men -- who are being abused need to know that it's not a dead-end street and they're not stuck in this.''