Temper Tantrums Require Treatment

Question: I don't know if something is wrong with my nephew, if his behaviour is the result of poor parenting, or both. He is ten years old and still throws tantrums. He will lie down on the floor and flail his legs. When he was younger, his tantrums were so extreme that I'd have to describe them as nuclear meltdowns.

The last time I saw him, I noticed that he randomly makes a noise that sounds like a seal barking, and sometimes he'll stop talking and just grunt and make noises. At that time, his mother will tell him to "use your words".

A couple of years ago, he was put in therapy because he did something that "scared his teacher". His mother never said what that "something" was. I believe his mother said the therapy was for anger issues.

He can be the sweetest child in the world, but it seems like the normal "bumps" in life will set him off. Is it "normal" for ten-year-old children to have tantrums and make noises instead of talking?

I don't know what to think about how his mother handles his behaviour. If ignoring his tantrums would stop the behavior, wouldn't he have stopped throwing tantrums by now? Also, if the "use your words" reminder was going to get him to stop grunting and making noises, wouldn't that have worked by now?

I'm scared that he'll hurt someone when he gets older (and bigger) if he doesn't learn to control himself.

Answer: While ten-year-olds and even 20-year-olds lose their tempers, the peculiar noises could be symptomatic of a more serious problem. It would be inappropriate for me to attempt any diagnosis based on your letter. Because he's already seen a psychologist, I think you have less reason to worry about him.

You've mentioned that he saw the psychologist a couple of years ago, so an important question is whether it's time to see someone again. At ten, we typically are able to teach children anger management strategies that help considerably. The "use your words" advice is more typically addressed to preschoolers and younger children. Also, the continuing strange sounds could indicate a different diagnosis at this time than those same sounds in a very young child.

Ignoring temper tantrums can actually be very helpful. While your nephew's tantrums haven't gone away, I'm guessing they've decreased in number. As to his danger to others, obviously barking or making noises at others hardly ever damages them, but if his sounds become degrading words or aggressive actions, there will surely be reason to worry. Because you've mentioned that "he can be the sweetest child in the world", it's less likely he'll be abusive. Perhaps, you could subtly suggest to your sibling that now that he's reached the tween years, it could be a good idea to return to a psychologist for a further evaluation.

Question: I have an almost ten-year-old stepdaughter who visits us on alternate weekends. She sleeps in the bed with my husband and refuses to sleep in her bed in her room. She throws tantrums if we tell her she has to start sleeping in her bed. We have set a separate bed next to ours, so that she is still close to us at night, but that doesn't convince her.

She wants to be in physical contact with her dad and also expects constant attention from him. Is this normal for a girl of this age? Is this appropriate for her mental health and psychosexual growth considering that she is pubescent? I would greatly appreciate your advice.

Answer: Sleeping with a parent is a rather common and unfortunate habit that is often initiated soon after a divorce. Children and parents find it reassuring, and thus begins a pattern that is unnatural and resented when the parent remarries. You've been most generous to offer your stepdaughter a bed in your own room. Even that is quite unnecessary for ten-year-olds. It is definitely not healthy for her emotional development to depend on sleeping with her dad during adolescence. The physical contact and the constant attentions she craves probably represents what she was accustomed to during the time that she had all her dad's attention right after the divorce and before her father had a partner.

The easiest way to break your stepdaughter's habit is for her to sleep with a sibling or family pet. When she visits, having a friend sleep overnight can also help her learn to sleep independently and feel like she's growing up. You may not have any of those choices, in which case her dad should simply insist that she sleep alone. It would be important for her dad, and not you, to convey that important message, lest you be labeled as "the wicked stepmother". He can reassure her of his love and emphasise that the change is necessary in light of her new maturity.

To help her get started, he could sit with her a little while before bedtime. A night light and quiet music could also be calming. To make it clear that you and your husband really mean that she can't sleep in your room, you may need to lock your door. It is possible that she will accept this new step in maturity graciously, but it's also possible that on the first night she will scream loudly and even fall asleep outside your door. By the second night, she'll understand that you won't be opening your door. If you're worried that she might hurt herself, you can open the door to comfort her for a few minutes, but be sure not to allow her in your bed again, or the problem will continue. After she's learned the habit of sleeping independently, you can always make occasional exceptions for thunderstorms or scary dreams.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, Wisconsin 53094, USA or srimm@sylviarimm.com.