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BERMUDA | RSS PODCAST

Watch out for the thundering herd

I’m a big fan of the summer months; you don’t have to get bundled up to ride to work in the mornings, less traffic on the roads and weekends are reserved for things like, going to the beach, parties, BBQ’s and of course the summer office parties. Yes, good times. But there are also some annoying things that come with the hotter months, like the humidity, flies and the ‘Tupperware Taskforce’.Yes, members of the ‘Tupperware Taskforce’ are out in numbers throughout the year but they do seem to be somewhat more ‘active’ in the warmer months, especially at things like the office summer parties and other catered events. Trust me; they are well prepared, well-rehearsed and very well equipped. They have mastered the art of stealth and they are as nimble as a Ninja warrior.Now, ‘Grasshopper’, let me teach you the ways of this troupe. When you first come across the members of this special force at these free for all eating events they have the uncanny ability of giving you a false sense of security. Don’t let the flowered motif, neon coloured bathing suits fool you — not to mention the bathing suit is always very tight around the legs and around the back. They usually wear big floppy straw hats and are guzzling on Bacardi Breezers. They are quite ostentatious when they communicate — no shy and retiring wallflowers here — and they make a very distinctive noise when they laugh, sounding something like a seagull in distress — shrill and loud. However, even with all these traits they are still a lot of fun to be with, until ‘IT’ happens.Yes, the call. The call that the food is ready. Suddenly all goes quiet, heads are moving side to side as if watching a tennis ball across the court, sort of like a herd of Gazelle who have just got a whiff of danger in the air. Then there’s a rumble as the herd starts making its way towards the buffet table (more like trough to them) slowly at first, then they pick up speed, little children jump out of the way, men who aren’t paying attention are trampled into the ground, even the CEO takes a direct hit. The servers start to shake with fear in their crisp, white aprons as this posse of hungry mamas (young and old) head towards them.It’s amazing, but within seconds of the bread rolls and caesar salad having landed on the table, some calm is returned to the serving line and the familiar phrase is asked, ”Fish, chicken or beef, Madame”? To which the reply is always “yes” (to everything). As the pack finds their own spot to eat, a somewhat eerie silence falls on the party. This is when the ‘Tupperware Taskforce’ breaks out into action. They are now calculating faster than any computer available on the market today, what the ratio of leftover food will be taking into account those who have not yet eaten. Just so there is no room for error in their calculations they carry out a reconnaissance mission that would put the military to shame. Then they go in for the kill!Resembling something like an episode of Shark Week our brigade circles the buffet table — thus making the rest of our still hungry guests feel very uneasy ‘cause they know they are being watched very carefully by the school of sharks. If they feel that too much food is being put on one’s plate, they give them the look — the look that can kill any man at a hundred paces.Okay, its time. Everyone has been served, calculations have been made. Our elite team spring into action. Out of nowhere a flurry of Tupperware containers suddenly emerge and the earnest overstuffing begins. Every container is colour coded; white for chicken, red for beef and any other colour will hold the desserts and veggies.Whaaat?! Is that man crazy?! One of the caterers is trying to tell them that others might want seconds — the poor soul never stood a chance as he’s picked up and tossed away like a dried up, honey BBQ’d chicken wing, but it was a valiant try.Where’s my Zantac, I feel a bad case of indigestion coming on.