I appreciate the apparent irony in me, a divorced singleton, facilitating a workshop helping couples stay connected for lasting love.

But it is only really since the bitter end of my disastrous marriage, and perhaps because of it, that I began studying to understand the complex nature of our intimate relationships and what it takes to make them work.

I got married under some rather misguided (and not entirely uncommon) perceptions:

1. When you’ve finally picked your “person” the hard part is over — I didn’t know that’s when the work’s just beginning.

I’d heard you had to “work” on relationships, but what does that mean? Is it like fixing a car? (I don’t know how to do that either.) I tried to buy a manual; there are thousands of relationship books out there all with different advice. Which one to follow?

Besides, isn’t love an emotional thing? Can a book tell my heart how to feel? I relied on instinct and what felt right. “Love will see us through,” I thought. But when I wasn’t feeling loved I found it hard to love back and resentment brewed. I tried throwing logic into the mix but it seemed there was a disconnect between our logics — his and mine — like we were communicating on different frequencies. We just barrelled towards breakdown.

2. Commitment simply means “sticking at it”, staying in something no matter how resignedly.

I was operating under the wrong definition of commitment: an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. That definition has synonyms like responsibility, duty, tie. I didn’t consider the alternate meaning: the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, which has synonyms like devotion, allegiance and dedication. Not just dedication to him, but to the marriage, to the relationship itself.

But when are we taught this stuff? Not in school. Perhaps by trial and error.

If we are lucky, our parents’ relationships are transparent enough so we can see their workings but parents tend to hide the hard work of marriage from their children. Many of us don’t get to witness strong, positive relationships of any kind to model ourselves on. It’s guesswork! And when you do find those folks who seem to be getting it right, often they’re not able to express what they do — they call it luck.

I’ve spent the past four years collecting thoughts and perspectives from teachers and experts and coaching couples in various relationship states.

What is the answer to making love work? It seems it’s a puzzle — with lots of individual pieces that fit together to make up the healthy whole. Next weekend’s workshop looks at three of these pieces. We offer practical, doable tools that can help couples work on their relationships in a meaningful way, no matter how good they are already.

Including ideas from Gary Chapman, Tony Robbins, Chloe Maddanes and Harville Hendrix, we’ll explore Love Links — Three Tools For Enhancing Couples’ Connection, as part of The Coral Beach & Tennis Club’s Eat, Play, Love Valentine’s weekend retreat. What better gift for your love than dedicated time together? Contact CBC on 236-2233 for more details.

• Julia Pitt is a trained success coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com