Julia Pitt

Anyone driving down Trimingham Hill a couple of weeks ago will know the pothole I’m talking about. It’s on my regular route. Every time my wheel hit it, teeth clattering together yet again, I’d recall telling myself the last time (and every time before that): “Remember next time to drive AROUND it!”

I’m reminded of one of my favourite poems, Autobiography In Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson. It’s about how we can fall into the same hole again and again; sometimes even when we know it’s there.

Don’t you find there are just some challenges you seem to keep repeating and repeating? The circumstances change but we’ll find ourselves in a situation that suddenly feels oh so familiar. For some it’s relationships: different partner, same problems. Or a new job but somehow the same dynamic you thought you’d escaped. A repeating financial issue, or creative block, or weight piling on again … We might know better and still we keep doing it, ending up in the same hole.

These are our patterns. Grooves we’ve etched. And we are likely to keep repeating them until eventually we learn either to avoid them or do something different.

I’ve seen learning pictured not just as a curve but as a series of loops: like a spring being stretched. We move forward, then we slip back a little before the next wave of forward motion. Perhaps the backward slide is the chance to test our learning, see if it really stuck.

I’ve heard people cry, “I’m right back where I started. Again!”

Not true, as long as we’re looking at the way we’ve come, gaining awareness of our past actions. We can’t ‘un-know’ something. We may only be at square two but we’re not back to square one, because now we have the insight of this last experience to learn from. Awareness, over time, helps stretch out the loops of our learning in a forward direction.

Of course an alternate ending to Nelson’s poem might be to just wait for Works & Engineering to fix the hole, which they dutifully did. But as a metaphor, if we’re waiting for someone else to come along and mend us, we could be waiting forever, or find ourselves continually disappointed by those who simply can’t do that job for us.

We can, however, get help to recognise the patterns we’re falling into. It’s often easier to see someone else’s road bumps than our own. We might need the encouragement, support and accountability of a coach, mentor or ally to help us find another path.

When you find yourself in a rut you recognise, don’t despair. Look around and take time to work out:

• How did I get here?

• What choices did I make that led to this situation?

• Was there a moment I can pinpoint that I disregarded my inner wisdom?

• Were there warning signs I could look out for in future?

• What previous experience did I forget to get here?

• How can I remind myself next time?

• What healing do I need to do to forgive myself or others that will allow me to make a different choice next time?

Growth is not linear. Accepting that two steps forward and one step back is just part of life’s crazy dance can help us be gentle on ourselves as we learn to navigate the potholes, sometimes the hard way, and find a new road to travel.

Julia Pitt is a trained success coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com.