Dear Dr Nekia,

I have always been taught that a man wants a respectable woman who knows how to take care of home, but even though I show men this side of me I am still having a hard time with dating. It seems that men today just do not want to commit. Yet I hear men complain about being treated poorly by women who are neither respectable nor take care of their kids, much less home. Why is it that a decent woman like myself is having trouble with men while these undeserving women are the ones getting men to settle down?

Sincerely,

It’s Just Not Fair

Dear It’s Just Not Fair,

Dating today can be a real challenge and sometimes it can get frustrating when the rules seem to no longer apply. As women, we tend to be groomed for our roles as girlfriends and wives from very young.

What is not taught, is that just because you develop into this beautiful, respectable, domesticated woman, does not mean that you will be desired as a wife. Sometimes women are done an injustice when their heads are filled with ideals of what men want when really we should be taught how to be the best women that we can be for ourselves. Healthy self-development is very important to bring to the table of any relationship. Nevertheless, what you will want to ask yourself is who do you want to be to men.

Do you want to be the good mother figure? Do you want to be the good cook, the good house cleaner? Do you want to be the good caretaker or the quiet homebody? Realise that no matter what you choose, it does not mean that men will value you in the same way that you value yourself.

When it comes to matters of the heart, human behaviour is somewhat difficult to calculate, so you have to go into relationships with not only your heart but your eyes wide open.

I have a general rule of dating that states that you should not be a girlfriend to a man if you are not his girlfriend; you should not be a wife to a man unless you are his wife; you should not be a mother to a man unless you gave birth to him.

The reason is this, we as women tend to do things or become someone just to prove to the men that we are interested in that we are good women and worthy of their love and commitment. To some degree it is good, however this should not be our primary focus.

We should instead focus on getting to know potential men while allowing ourselves to enjoy their company. During the stages of dating you will want to show men who you are, not what you can do.

While most men do value a respectable woman who can take care of home, they will always tend to choose the woman who gets to their hearts.

Contrary to what a lot of we women think, men are looking for a real connection. And you showing them that you can take care of home when they have not even put you in a position to be the woman in their home can be a very dangerous game that, oftentimes, will lead you to getting used.

Men love to be comfortable and will generally not turn down a woman who wants to do for them, but this does not mean that they will value you for anything more than an easy ride. To put this into perspective, the saying “Why buy the farm when you can get the cow for free?” applies here.

Generally, this saying is used to indicate sex and withholding it in an attempt to be more desirable to a man, however it can apply to more than just sex because a lot of men do not value any part of a woman that they can get so easily.

My advice to you would be to reveal these qualities at appropriate stages of dating. You are not what you can do, you are who you can be, and while dating, who you can be is what should be sharing if you have any hopes of a man truly connecting with you and desiring you to be his one and only.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My man says that I want too much sex. I do have a big appetite, but I’m beginning to think that maybe he just doesn’t want to have sex with me that much. He still gets erect every time that I come on to him so it can’t be that I want more than what he can give. Why would he be holding back from me?

Sincerely,

Big Appetite

Dear Big Appetite,

What we as women need to learn is that just because a man has an erect penis does not mean that he is ready for sex.

To better understand this, let’s take a look at our own bodies. Just because your vagina may be moist or your nipples may be erect, does not mean that you are ready for sex. I think that we tend to think of men as sexual beings who are, or should be, ready for sex at any moment and if they are not, then we take it personally.

Men are people with feelings, wants, needs and thoughts that go far beyond sex. They need to be romanced, seduced, cherished, comforted, and adored just as much as we do, and I think it to be a bit unfair to reduce them to sex-driven walking penises.

Now in our defence, a lot of men project their own selves to be this, but this is generally because our society puts so much emphasis on the penis and the male’s ability to sexually perform as being the evidence of manhood.

This is a concept that men buy into from boyhood, and many of us women follow as well.

This is not to say that you do not value your man for anything more than sex, but that you will want to become aware of how your personal beliefs may be affecting your relationship. It is great that you have a hearty sexual appetite, but if your man is not expressing the same level of desire, you will want to be open to learning why, rather than jumping to the conclusion that he does not want you.

There are many factors that influence a man’s libido such as diet, stress level and lifestyle as well as his overall level of physical activity throughout the day.

Many of our men are undernourished and overstressed and it is playing a big role in their desire to perform in the bedroom.

If, however, your man seems to shrug things off and say it’s nothing, do not be surprised; men find it difficult to admit to their lack of desire and ability to perform. And many do not realise the effects that their day-to-day lives are having on their penis and libido health.

The more comfortable that a man feels, and the more assured he is that he will be accepted and understood by you, the more he will be willing to open up and share with you what is going on with him sexually.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My girlfriend is addicted to pain. Anything painful is a turn on for her, and she is not satisfied with sex unless it is painful. She says that she does not feel good unless pain is involved. Is this normal, or should she get professional help?

Because it’s beginning to get weird to me. I mean everyone likes a little slap on the butt every now and then, but she goes way beyond that.

Sincerely,

She’s All About The Pain

Dear She’s All

About The Pain,

It is quite common for people to find pleasure in pain. One of the reasons is because the pleasure area and the pain areas of the brain are so close together. Signals which regulate and allow us to feel sensations travel along nerves that fire like sparks communicating with one another. So stimulation of the pleasure centre can sometimes stimulate the pain centre which will cause the person to experience the sensation of pain with, or instead of, pleasure and vice versa. Examples of this phenomenon would be a person feeling pain from being tickled, or someone feeling pleasure from being bitten. These are “normal” responses, however it is generally a concern if a person cannot experience pleasure in the absence of pain. Such an occurrence usually occurs when there is a medical contribution to this effect, or when there is a more psychological component as is often seen in people who have been physically, mentally, emotionally and especially, sexually abused. If your girlfriend cannot experience pleasure, or if she cannot climax unless she experiences pain or violence, I would certainly advise that she seeks professional help. You should support her in seeking both medical and psychological help from professionals because the brain and sexual centres of the body are both complex and delicate so oftentimes thorough investigation is needed to make sure that nothing is overlooked.

The key here is whether pain is always needed in order to experience any sensation of pleasure. The need for, or addiction to, pain and violence is the red flag.

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