Dear Dr Nekia,

My wife is not interested in sex with me. I say with ‘me’ because she tells me that she enjoys sex, and I hear her talking about it with her friends. When I ask her why she does not show much interest in me, she says that I do not make the effort to turn her on. I have tried some of the things that she says that she likes, but still I just do not feel excitement and desire from her. She never initiates sex. I have gotten advice from friends and other women but honestly I just don’t know where to start. It really makes me feel bad that I am not pleasing my wife, and right now I am beyond the angry stage. I just want to fix things.

Sincerely,

Need To Turn Her On

Dear Need To Turn Her On,

If your wife is not facing issues of sexual or relationship trauma, it could be that she is either not attracted to you physically or that she is being truthful in stating that you are not doing the right things that turn her on. Let’s just assume that she is being truthful. The key will be to get her to communicate with you exactly what it is that she wants. Many women have trouble knowing or verbally expressing their sexual wants so you may need to get rather creative here. You could opt to watch erotic videos together that are geared towards women. Pay attention to her reactions to certain scenes and acts, and ask her to share with you what turns her on or what she would like to experience. Also you could set aside private time where neither of you will be interrupted. During this time touch her and ask her to touch you in return. It is known that the way that a person touches you can serve as a subconscious signal to let you know how they would like to be touched. This also tends to be true for kissing. Asking friends and other women for advice may be helpful in getting ideas and your creative juices flowing, but do not be discouraged should none of these ideas work. Remember that it is your wife who really holds the key to unlocking that hidden erotic side of herself. Try to be patient and make it a fun and lighthearted challenge for yourself. This is very important as women are intuitive and will pick up on any frustration, resentment, or forced expectations that men may have regarding sex. Ultimately, this will shut her down even if she is willing to be responsive.

Dear Dr Nekia,

How soon is too soon to be married? I have been seeing a woman now for two months and we want to get married. Those who know, think that we are crazy. Sure we are not in love, but our values and lifestyle are very similar. Also, our wants and goals are the same. We both feel that we work well together and are good companions for one another especially since neither one of us has much family. We really believe that love will come later and, if not, then fine because we are content with one another and what we bring to each other’s lives. If she was to never change, I would be happy, and she is happy with who I am as well. So why wait? We are both mature enough and ready to make this commitment.

Sincerely,

Too Soon To Marry

Dear Too Soon To Marry,

No one but the two of you can determine how soon is too soon to marry. There are some who wait many years and there are others who agree to marry before even meeting face to face. Either way, some of these marriages succeed and some of them fail. A more important question would be why do we want to get married? What are our expectations and your plan of action that will make things work? It sounds as though you have already thought about the things that make for a lasting union. Areas such as goals, beliefs, hobbies, lifestyle and financial plans all have been shown to be the parts of a relationship and marriage that determine if that relationship will work or fall apart. It seems that the more similarities a couple has the more successful their marriage together will be. This is partly due to expectations being met and ease of transition from being single to being in a partnership. If lifestyles and outlooks are similar, there tends to be less need for each individual to change or compromise, and so both partners tend to feel a sense of fulfillment and less pressure to conform to the demands of the other. When euphoric emotions are absent or fade away, the foundation of mutual friendship and respect will become increasingly important. Love, per se, is not needed for a successful marriage, and in fact it is often our emotionally-based confusion about what we mistakenly call love that is often the culprit to marriage failure. It is important to note that there are kinds of marriage arrangements and contracts just as there are many reason for marriage. Be sure that you both have a thorough understanding of what it is that you would like for your marriage to look, feel and operate like.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Is sex during pregnancy safe? My girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex because she says that it is uncomfortable and unsafe, but I’m not sure I can wait seven more months plus the six weeks after delivery. I’m beginning to see why a lot of guys I know cheat on their pregnant women, but I do not want to have to go that route.

Sincerely,

She’s Pregnant, I’m Horny

Dear She’s Pregnant, I’m Horny,

The safety and comfort factor of sex during pregnancy is a highly debatable subject. Some experts believe that it is only high-risk pregnancies that carry a risk of harming the mother or baby. Others believe that it depends on the trimester that gestation is in, while others still believe that sex during pregnancy should be avoided all together. It is often my professional advice that expectant parents should be aware of the risk of introducing bacteria and disease into the vaginal canal and thus the womb. Additionally, as with women who are not pregnant, you should be aware that rough or forceful deep penetration and sexual positions that put pressure on the cervix can lead to lesions, bruising, ruptured blood vessels and cervical tissue erosion — all of which are not healthy for mother or baby. There are some who believe that the contractions that orgasm provides are very healthy for mommy and baby however if mommy is uncomfortable with having sex during her pregnancy, she should be respected. Forced or coerced sex at any point of a woman’s life is psychologically harmful and during pregnancy the baby will pick up on her feelings of uneasiness. The stress of being pressured into having sex can manifest in any number of ways — increased blood pressure, elevated cholesterol or depression. You will have to re-evaluate your own motives as a man regarding this scenario. What is more important to you, fulfilling your sexual impulses or the health, happiness and wellbeing of your woman and child? Pregnancy is a time for men to be supportive and selfless, giving precedence to a greater sense of happiness beyond the carnal desires that they hold. Try refocusing your energies to creating intimacy in other ways. Think more of looking forward to fatherhood — what it means, what it requires. Pregnancy is a time of preparation into parenthood, not just for the mothers but very much so for the fathers who need to allow themselves that time to form their own unique bond with their children. If mommy is feeling up to it, there are many sexual positions that she can be placed into that will make sex during pregnancy more comfortable and enjoyable.

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