Recently I was in the washroom at work, and I looked into the mirror to notice that my neck was very red and looked liked something had been scratching it. “What could that have been?” I wondered. Had I had a bad dream and clawed at my skin? I could not remember any such thing. Had a piece of clothing irritated my neck? That didn’t seem to match. Had one of the cats struck during the night? No.I let it go, but the next day there it was again. “What is going on?!” I said to myself.The following morning, before shaving, I checked my electric razor. There didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it. However, upon closer examination, and under better light, I noticed a very small hole in the foil, and running my finger over it slowly, I realised there was a jagged edge there. That is what had been scratching my neck. Then something else made sense; the aftershave had been feeling much more “invigorating” of late. (Ouch!)It’s the little things that really do matter.Recently, I was giving a lecture to a class of doctoral students at Regent University, and I wanted to demonstrate how observing what a person is doing sometimes can have major results. I thought nothing of looking straight into the eyes of the first student in the front row and noticing the expression on her face. To me it was a little thing, and I did not expect very much to come from it. I simply wanted to demonstrate one part of contemporary gestalt therapy observation and description of what a person is doing and so I looked at her and said, “…and now you are grimacing…”That word did not seem very important to me at that moment (after all, she hadn’t looked very comfortable when I turned my gaze and looked right at her); it was a little thing, and it was the closest description I could find for what I was observing. However, to her it was a big word, and it did not feel good to be described as grimacing. She let me know. “I was NOT grimacing; I wasn’t!” she insisted.Our choice of words at times might seem like a small thing to us, but a large and important matter to others. Our words can scratch or they can soothe. The way we describe one another can help or it can hinder in a relationship. If I had had the time, I would have explored with that student the difference between how I described her, what I observed her doing, and what she felt like on the inside, and further to that what her experience was of me using the word I did to describe her in that moment. What is most important to a relationship is understanding of what people mean by what they say and do.Words might seem to have meanings all on their own. Certainly, we can look in a dictionary and find their definitions. In fact, we can often find several definitions for the same word. That illustrates the fact that one can only really comprehend the meaning of a word when it is found in a context. The relationship between the foreground of the current word use, and the background of the overall context in which it is used provides what is needed to comprehend the meaning for any given moment. Unfortunately, when we are engaged with another person, we do not see the current context, the background, from the same vantage point as others. Thus, when a given word, such as “grimacing”, emerges, it is often understood differently. Only through patient unravelling, finding out what various important words mean or have meant to others, can the people in question bring out the meanings for the moment of the words they use, and, thus, the impact of what they say on the relationships they have.Just to make things a bit more complicated, there is another little thing that matters. I say “little” because people usually don’t pay attention to it. It is actually a big thing, given the role it plays in communication. What I’m talking about here is the process, or the way in which words are used to communicate with others. For instance, some people are tangential in their communication style. If you ask them about “blue” they will tell you about “grey”. They might eventually get to “blue” but they might also forget the original connection they imagined and simply go on to explain all the beauty and relevance of “grey”. That little piece of process, not really answering the question that was asked, then feels off-putting, disorienting, avoidant, or even manipulative to others. That little matter of process, style of communicating, then, often scuttles the whole effort to find the right words to get across what one is thinking.Another small matter concerning the way in which people impart the words they choose to use has to do with how the body structures the person the stance one takes with regards to meeting others. Is one bent over and not meeting the eyes of other people? Is one hovering close to and over others? Is one charged with energy and “coming at” others? Is one shuffling and dancing around nervously? Is one flat and limp? The body often gives the person away before any words even appear on the lips.Jesus indicated that not even the smallest letter or the smallest part of a letter would be left unattended to in matters of the law because of His coming. As Christianity was getting off the ground, the little things mattered in Israel as well.I am aware that as I meet other people myriad little things are going on between us. The words I use are important, and I need to take care to understand what those words mean to others. The way in which I communicate, my style of meeting another, influences that person’s sense of me and how much interest I have in them. The way in which I carry myself in my body, which is the instrument of communication and the visible correlate to our invisible relationship, can invite or overwhelm another. These are little things, and they can scratch and irritate, or they can soothe and nurture.