AS you may remember last week I was in the midst of telling you about my trip to Scotland when I ran out of space - and hadn't even arrived at Hadrian's Wall yet. Before making the final leg of our road trip, Cindy and I had an unbelievable lunch at Headlam Hall, the Yorkshire stately-home-turned-hotel where we overnighted, which consisted of yet again more home smoked salmon and some delightful locally caught poached salmon with a lime and chilli Hollandaise.

In the past 10 days I have consumed salmon from every single river and loch in virtually the entire British Isles - so much so that my skin is taking on a pinkish hue and I wouldn't be surprised if I started sprouting fins in the very near future.

They say that you should eat salmon several times a week, as it is an oily fish that aids and abets good health and helps you to retain youthfulness. If this is the case then I should be in extremely good physical condition and looking about 12 - maybe the ten tons or so that I have devoured isn't enough as I'm still waiting very patiently for the youthful bit to kick in.

OK. so we started off from Headlam Hall after lunch back onto what has now become the A1 and desperate to get to Scotland. By now we have had enough of flora and fauna, the journey seemed to be neverending. The ardour of the passing truck drivers was now just plain irritating and boring and we started sticking our tongues out at them.

Finally after about four hours we spied that glorious sign that says "Welcome to Scotland" and we were euphoric that our journey was at an end. The sign should have read "Welcome to the Scottish Riviera" for the land of heather and kilts was in the middle of a heat wave with temperatures soaring into the hight 70s. Not hugely hot by our standards but for them it was unheard of. They were all sporting sunburns, and swooning under parasols, which for many Scots was a first time occurrence and no doubt an enormous shock to the system.

We arrived at our destination, quite appropriately, at the cocktail hour and were greeted most enthusiastically by Mark (our mutual great buddy who we were staying with) and Keith (Cindy's boyfriend). They were busy assembling a barbecue. Mark, being of Scottish descent, doesn't like to part with his money very readily, especially on a frivolity such as a barbecue. This one was made in China (not, from what I can recall, a country traditionally associated with barbecuing) and looked as though it had been made from recycled dog food cans. The instructions for assembling it were obviously written by someone whose only experience of the English language was maybe watching a few old Cary Grant movies so the construction took rather longer than anticipated.

Luckily, upon completion, we dissuaded Markie from grilling an old haggis that he'd found knocking around in the dark depths of his fridge and instead enjoyed some delicious steaks that Cindy and I had bought at the market in Richmond.

The next day we decided to hit the Scottish Riviera for real and go to the beach. Oh my God - what an experience this proved to be. The scenario was straight out of a 1950s Norman Rockwell cover of the . Everyone had a little beach hut, which they owned and where they kept all of the paraphernalia for Riviera shmoozing - including, of course, a large gas ring to heat up the kettle for the gallons of tea you need while sunbathing to try and keep yourself warm.

The sand was a lovely dark grey colour with the texture of cement, very useful when trying to erect your windbreak to protect you from the gale force winds coming in directly from the North Sea.

I tell you it was COLD but everyone seemed oblivious to this fact.

The children were all running around looking as though they were covered in little suits of armour as the Riviera breeze had such velocity that the sand had adhered itself to their wet bodies from head to foot. This is very lucky as it gave them some protection against the elements otherwise I think that they would probably have died of hypothermia!

Everyone, it appeared, takes their dogs to the beach in Scotland. There were hundreds of canines roaming around all snarling and baring their teeth at one another. I must say I would have loved a nice St. Bernard to snuggle up to and could have easily used a nip from his life-saving neck apparel.

My friends actually decided to go swimming, more I think because of the challenge involved than anything else. That didn't last long. They just ran into the sea and then straight back out again (the water temperature couldn't have been more than 40 degrees). The colour of their skin, when they returned, should be used to illustrate the definition of "magenta" in the dictionary (I also think that it would have been a little difficult for quite some time afterwards to tell the boys from the girls, if you know what I mean).

There were so many wonderful sights to behold on this day at the beach.

One amazing spectacle was a group of very elderly men who had obviously just come from church and were dressed in their suits, ties and sensible, laced-up shoes. They were playing a hilarious game of volleyball complete in their church splendour and still in their laced-up shoes. At one point the game got slightly out of hand, either that or the flask that they were handing around was a little too much to handle at 11 o'clock on a Sunday morning. The end result of all of this was that Horace, who appeared to be the captain of the team, either had a stroke or some sort of overcoming and had to have his tie removed before being hoisted up by the rest of them to a waiting ambulance.

Hopefully he will have recovered by next week as there is a tournament against the next village and I think that the team needs his participation in order to win.

Sitting not too far from us was a wonderful old dear called Myrtle (they do have the most superb names in this part of the world). We struck up a conversation with Myrtle and she told us that she was 90-years-old. She was wearing a very ancient (at one time shocking pink) two-piece bathing suit with shoes and socks. This in itself was quite an unusual sight as you can imagine. For the entire time that we were there she was not to be seen without a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. Myrtle was busy knitting a pair of Argyll socks and seemed to be unmindful of the fact that they were within an hour or so covered from toe to mid-calf in thick sand - so much so that it looked as though she was creating a rather large pair of cement boots.

A terrific day was had by all and when I got in the shower (more like a watering can) I noticed that my skin did in fact have a pinkish hue to it. Did I too have a Scottish sunburn or was the salmon consumption finally taking its toll?

I have a few more Scottish stories to recount to you, but yet again they will have to wait until next week. In the meantime I suppose that my recipes this week should pertain to salmon so here are a couple of goodies.

6 scallions, 4 teaspoons olive oil, 1 lb salmon fillet (about 1 1/2 inches thick) skinned, 1/4 cup mayonnaise, 1/3 cup chopped celery, 2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice, 1 1/2 teaspoons freshly chopped mint, 4 (1/2-inch thick) slices good quality whole-wheat bread, 2 cups bite-sized pieces fris?e or mesclun, lemon wedges Heat a grill pan over a moderate heat until hot but not smoking. Meanwhile toss the scallions with 2 teaspoons of oil and season with salt and pepper. Coat salmon with remaining oil and season with salt and pepper.

Cook the scallions in the pan until slightly charred, about 6 minutes, remove to a chopping board. Cook salmon in pan for about 12 minutes, turning once. Allow to cool slightly and then gently flake. Finely chop the scallions and add to the mayonnaise with celery, lemon juice and mint. Season with salt and pepper. Toast bread and spread lightly with some of the scallion mayonnaise. Divide the salmon between the toasts and top with a dollop of mayonnaise and pieces of fris?e.

1 1/2 tablespoons vegetable oil, 1 large onion finely chopped, 2 green chillies left whole, 2 teaspoons crushed garlic, 1 tablespoon minced ginger, salt to taste, 1/2 teaspoon turmeric, 2 teaspoons ground coriander powder, 2/3 cup low fat yoghurt, beaten, 1 tablespoon ground almonds, 1 medium tomato cut into large pieces, 1/2 cup hot water, 4 X 6-ounce salmon fillets (centre cut) 1/2 teaspoon garam masala, a handful of chopped coriander leaves

Heat the oil in a large non stick frying pan. Add the onion and cook until nice and brown, about 10 minutes. Add the chillies, garlic and ginger and cook for 30 seconds. Add the salt, ground turmeric and coriander and stir for a further 30 seconds. Add the yoghurt a tablespoon at a time and stir to incorporate, adding a splash of hot water. If the yoghurt looks grainy, turn up the heat, stir well and it will come back together. Add almonds and tomato and cook for 6 minutes, adding more water if it starts to dry out. Stir in the rest of the water and add the fish, skin side down. Turn down the heat and cover cooking for 7-8 minutes, turning half way through. If the gravy appears too watery at the end of cooking, remove the fish and reduce. Taste and adjust the seasoning and sprinkle over the black pepper, garam masala and fresh coriander.