WHAT is it about the relationship around money? Is it control? Is it different temperaments? Is it for shoring up a fragile ego? Or is it complete indifference to what money can do for you?

Ever watch a couple shopping? The body language is fascinating. She is smiling and browsing just grooving out on all the 50 percent off bargain baskets. He is standing in a corner looking pained, looking at his watch, sitting on a bench looking thoroughly bored, or in the some of the funniest poses, I've seen in male non-participant shoppers, sound asleep.

Or, we've all seen the exact opposite. She is looking stressed and anxious, and he more like grim. Not a pleasant experience at all!

It could be that she has just maxed out the family credit card, or that she bought that cute little outfit to wear that was just so adorable.

To his everlasting credit, because he believes in truth in lending (and in shopping), he told her the skirt made her thighs look too big.

Ever watch a man shop?

In the store and out, 20 seconds flat. Either they have it or they don't. Take a look at the ties. I like fabric so I can groove out just on tie fabric designs, but place two gold ties die-by-side. Gee, they look the same to me, BUT THEY AREN'T to the discriminating man. Even we who are fashion aficionados cannot tell the difference between an Armani tie and a JC Penney tie, but it matters to every man.

Ever see a bunch of guys at a business casual presentation? To us, they look like a group of the penguins in the Happy Feet movie.

They are all politically correct, each and every one of them, large ones, small ones, fat, and thin, young and old alike dressed in navy blazers, white shirts, khaki pants, and brown tassel loafers.

You can't blame men, that's what is required. How dull, or maybe how smart? After all, how many pairs of khaki slacks do you need to own to be not only talented, but appropriately dressed?

And ladies, what do we do: suits in many colours, shirts, tops, bustierres, sweater sets, pants, shoes to match, poodle scarves, hats, stockings, and the list goes on and on.

With all that paraphernalia, we have some days where none of what we wear feels right so consequently, it doesn't look right, and we slump. We are not in control. Is that what it takes to be in control? Looking right, feeling right or knowing right? What is it about having, spending money and saving money that generates so many confrontations about control?

Him ? we will share 80 percent of the household costs, but I am keeping the other 20 percent. How many ladies have side accounts for their bonuses and raises that their partners do not know about? Why is that? Are we afraid that we will be abandoned later on? Consistently, studies show that after men retire the food budget drops incrementally. Is this because women figure they have to hoard in case the mister leaves them for the heavenly (or earthly) palace prematurely and they will have to go without?

My mother and father played the money game for years. She only worked outside the home intermittently ? always a bit difficult to manage ? with seven children. He'd give her an allowance. She would pinch, scrimp, and economise zealously to make that food budget stretch, so that she could (I know now) hoard some for her pure spending money.

My father would complain about the quality of the cooking and the end-result served up as dinner; then, respond by buying something extravagant, such as a whole bag of imported apples ? an expensive luxury way back when. They would have a bitter disagreement, after which the household atmosphere would tranquilise for a week or so, and ratchet up again.

Neither seemed capable of laying their cards (and their money anxieties) on the table for a blame-free discussion about their financial future. In the end, they retired with adequate assets to keep them fairly comfortable; but regrettably, neither of them could give up those old money roles.

Another scenario.

She and he sat across from me. "I don't believe in life insurance", says he, aged 59, "nor am I going to pay those high-priced lawyers here in Bermuda to do up a will. The house is in my name and it will go to her if I pass away first. She is well provided for."

I look at Mrs. X as she sits there with a slightly pleasant, but stunned look on her face. She is now 58, has few marketable skills, and does not work at a salaried job.

Our economy is in a low interest rate environment. I add up their assets and liabilities, noting that they still have a relatively large mortgage. I run another retirement probability model. They really haven't saved enough, but If they are careful, really careful, they may be alright. But, and a big but, this retirement plan is totally contingent upon Mr. X working until age 65.

Two years later, Mr. X, who insisted he was in control, was not able to control his Maker and left his entire family prematurely. During the estate probate process, we heard that his son from a previous marriage was laying a claim to the family homestead, still not mortgage free.

This is a composite case from many years of developing client relationships. Any resemblance to anyone living (or deceased) is purely coincidental.

Sounds like I'm putting all the responsibility on Mr, X, but Mrs. X is equally to blame. Neither one of them was willing to communicate their worries about money, and sensibly lay out a plan that would satisfy both parties to the relationship. In theory, it is a simple and easy thing to, but in practice, relationships and money run on parallel tracks in a tortuous route through the thing we call life.

If your money relationship is not working, keep trying, keep talking and work on it. You can do it.