Dr. Robert Brooks left those in attendance at his two-day conference on "Angry and Resistant Youth: A strength-based approach for nurturing motivation, self-discipline and resilience" with plenty to think about.

Among the 148 attending the conference at the Fairmont Southampton were principals, teachers, social workers, counsellors, Department of Corrections staff and parents. The clinical psychologist's parting challenge to them on Saturday was to make a difference in somebody's life and to make that person feel special.

"Who is that kid you are going to go out of your way to make feel special and appreciated?" Dr. Brooks asked the audience. "Who is that colleague that you haven't let know in five years how important they are to your life? Who is that relative you haven't spoken to (in years)?

"Recently a psychiatrist came up to me in tears after one of my workshops; he hasn't spoken to his own son in three years, and is still waiting for his son to call him. I said `no, maybe you should call your son'."

The questions came after Dr. Brooks shared how the last words his father spoke to him still affect his life today. He explained how his immigrant parents kept files on all four of their sons while they were growing up in Brooklyn.

"He was 86 years old and had moved from New York to Florida, my wife and I were vacationing in Florida," Dr. Brooks said as he began the story.

"My father was a hugger - in fact when I grew up in Brooklyn everybody hugged - and I wish everyone of you could have known my father. He had a gift where he could know you for five minutes and when he said goodbye to you, he would say something to you I guarantee you would remember for the rest of your life.

"This day in Florida he hugs and kisses me and he said something to me that was so powerful it lit up my whole life. Not knowing they were going to be his last words he said `now, you remember, Bob, when you get back to Boston if you have anything you can send me for the file please do. I always enjoy receiving things from you and hearing from you, I love you so dearly, you are so special.'

"Little did I know that those words would be the last I would hear from him, because just two days later my brother, who lives in Florida, called me and said `get down quickly, Dad took ill very suddenly'."

His father was comatose and in a hospice and after each of his brothers saw him, their father died.

That story came at the end of the two day conference in which Dr. Brooks shared many strategies for raising children - including those who learn differently - and helping them become more confident adults. He shared many stories to illustrate, some humorous and funny, but all thought provoking.

He urged the audience to recall some things that happened to them in school that involved teachers - positive and negative - and which had an impact on their lives. Two English teachers recalled being told to stand in a trash can in front of their classmates as punishment for misbehaving.

Another, a school counsellor, spoke of a positive experience she had with a school teacher at Berkeley which she never forgot. That teacher, she said, took the time to encourage the students and even had them come to his house to study for an exam.

The teachers, particularly, were reminded how encouraging words can impact a student for years to come. Dr. Brooks remembers visiting a school and asking the students "when did an adult at the school spend an extra few seconds to make you feel special?"

"One person wrote `when I was in the first grade, I had a very tough few months. I got back to school and took a spelling test and when the teacher returned the test she wrote the word beautiful on my paper. I still have that paper'.

"Think of that vulnerable kid getting that from a teacher and what that must have meant. Another person wrote `at my middle school, a lot of kids came in early because both parents worked and the teachers rotated having breakfast with the students'. The person wrote, `you really get to know teachers when you eat with them'.

"Another person wrote `when I was in high school I was out sick for a week and I will never forget after two days, a teacher called me at home to find out how I was feeling'. After that I knew they really cared about me at that school'."

Added Dr. Brooks: "One of the most powerful ones was from a middle school principal who had a story he told to his teachers at the beginning of each school year to remind them why they are teachers.

"He said `years ago we had a girl at our school who was one of the angry kids we talked about. Sometimes I would just walk the hall and just nod to her and not go out of my way to say much else.

`One day I came in and walked down the hall and there was this girl wearing a new dress and I said to myself, `she really looks pretty'. He walked into his office and said to himself `I really should not have waited for this day, the day she looked pretty, I should have made an attempt to have some contact with her before'.

"He left his office and walked down the hallway and said to her `I just want to tell you, you look very pretty'. Her whole face lit up and said `thank you'.

"The man went on to explain how five years later, at the girl's high school graduation, he was sitting in the front row when she went up to receive her diploma. She leaps off the stage, gives him a big hug and kiss and says to him `thank you, I'm here today because of you'.

"She went on to tell him `what you never knew that day was you were the first person in my life who ever told me that. And every time I get depressed or the kids tease me, what do you think I imagine...you words'."

Dr. Brooks, whose visit was made possible by Benedict Associates and FL Chamberlain School, a private, co-educational residential school in Massachusetts for adolescents with emotional and psychological challenges (the school opened in 1976 and he has done consultation work with the school), has been a therapist since the mid-1960s.

He calls that decade "the dark ages of our understanding of such youngsters". He said that all children are born differently and have different learning skills.

"One of the most common forms of negative memory is public humiliation, when you were made to feel foolish for not understanding something the first time," he stated. "`Do I have to repeat myself again', `didn't we just go over this', `were you listening closely', `how often do I have to remind you'."

He put children into three categories of temperament: easy child, slow to warm up, shy and cautious child and difficult child. But he said every child wants to feel important and will respond favourably to such treatment.

"I truly believe there is an inborn need in children to want to help, even some of the most difficult," he said. "Why is that so powerful? I think it touches something at the very core of our human spirit, where everyone wants to feel they make a difference in this world.

"At the residential treatment programmes I worked in teachers started saying `we need your help' and all of a sudden the kids were starting to do more work. Discipline is more effective in the context of a good relationship."

Speaking at the end of the first day, Dr. Brooks was gratified to see so many police officers attending the conference.

"There are more professions here, from legal system to school principals, and one of the things I am emphasising is I was trained as a Clinical Psychologist and worked in a lot of different settings," he said.

"One of the most challenging was I ran a school in a locked door unit at a psychiatric hospital, and I started interviewing kids and collecting their stories. I saw how many kids, even at a very young age, had lost their sense of dignity and self esteem, and how many had also lost hope.

"One of my main goals here is to describe what I call the strength-based approach in working with problem youth, in terms of raising them. Looking at approaching where they learn from us, rather than where they resent us."

Dr. Brooks admits it is more challenging raising children today, with so many negative influences. He said humiliating a child in front of his or her classmates creates more problems.

"What I want people to take away (from the conference) is they can still be a disciplinarian, hold the kids accountable, but we can also teach the kids to be compassionate and caring and to help develop their strengths.

"I hate to say it but early in my career I was making the situation worse, by being too harsh and too critical. So I got very interested over the years in the concept of hope and in one of my recent books on resilience, I got really interested in what helps kids to bounce back. Why is it that you can have kids from very difficult backgrounds, even where they have been abused, and some seem to do very well in their adult lives?

"Almost all the research shows that when you ask people who are successful in life `why do you think you are successful', one of the first answers always is `there was one person who believed in me and stood by me'."

Dr. Brooks assured: "I'm really going to emphasise that with everyone here, whether a Police officer or teacher, every kid needs what a psychologist called a `charismatic adult', people from whom they gather strength."

Dr. Brooks has lectured nationally and internationally to audiences of parents, educators, mental health professionals and business people on topics pertaining to motivation, resilience, self esteem, family relationships, the qualities of effective leaders and executives and balancing personal and professional lives.

He is on the faculty of Harvard Medical School and has served as Director of the Department of Psychology at McLean Hospital, a private psychiatric hospital. His first position at McLean Hospital was as principal of the school in the locked door unit of the child and adolescent programme.

Dr. Brooks has a part-time private practice in which he sees children, adolescents, adults and families and has appeared regularly on television shows in the Boston area as well as on national cable television.

He received "Hall of Fame" awards from both CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorders) and the Connecticut Association for Children with Learning Disabilities for his work with special needs children and adolescents as well as other awards in the Massachusetts area.

He has also authored or co-authored several books, including one with Dr. Sam Goldstein on "Raising Resilient Children". Their new books, "Nurturing Resilience in Our Children: Answers to the Most Important Parenting Questions" and "Seven Steps to Help Your Child Overcome Worry" were recently released.

Such is his busy schedule, Dr. Brooks was booked to come to Bermuda 14 months ago...this being his first available date.

@EDITRULE:

In Lifestyle on Friday: Participants at the conference share their views.