1. Reflect back what is being said. Use their words, not yours.

2. Begin where they are, not where you want them to be.

3. Be curious and open to what they are trying to say.

4. Notice what they are saying and what are not.

5. Emotionally relate to how they are feeling. Nurture the relationship.

6. Notice how they are feeling. Be honest and authentic.

7. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict or misunderstanding.

8. Try to understand how their past affects who they are and how those experiences affect their relationship with you.

9. Stay with the process and the relationship, not just the solution.

Lee Mun Wah of StirFry Seminars is a race relations trainer who has worked for the Committee for Unity and Racial Equality (CURE) giving seminars in Bermuda.