Recently, someone asked me to do a workshop for their organisation on the subject: "Why do men hit?" It pertains to domestic violence.

The first thing I wanted to say is: "What makes this about men? Don't women hit as well?" In fact, they do. On an anecdotal basis, I was surprised by one woman who came to me for help because she said had been "beating the crap out of my boyfriend". Where I used to practice in the United States, I never encountered as many women "hitting" as I have here in Bermuda. Whatever the reason, the women I've worked with here who "hit" do not put up with foolishness and they tend to give back with as much aggression as they have had to deal with from the men they have known.

Anecdotal information aside, what does the research show?

Well, first, let's get straight what we are talking about. The current term for this subject is Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). This is what used to be called domestic violence or battering. Three forms of behaviour have been defined as violent in the context of IPV: (a) emotional or verbal abuse, (b) physical violence, and (c) sexual assault. IPV includes pushing and shoving, spitting, throwing things, etc. It's not just about hitting.

The field has not established a clear baseline of what is included when researchers attempt to figure out how serious a problem IPV is, but various statistics indicate that in the long term as many as 40 percent of women and 30 percent of men have been the victims of IPV, and other studies show that as many as 50 percent of men have been victimised if lower levels of aggression are also included. Unfortunately, the most lethal levels of violence happen to occur when men kill. We have seen this happen here in Bermuda.

There are various theories about why IPV happens. They boil down to three options: socio-cultural influences in which men have more power and control over women in society; interpersonal factors related to early attachment and addressing the later relationship dynamic going on between partners; and intrapersonal factors pertaining to one individual or another.

As Erica Wooden and Daniel O'Leary summed it up in their chapter in the book, 'Preventing Partner Violence: Research and Evidence-Based Intervention Strategies' (2009, American Psychological Association): Theories of the etiology of partner violence span several levels of analysis, ranging from the influence of societal norms and power inequalities, to the interactions between family members in childhood and adulthood, and finally to individual characteristics that increase the likelihood of violence perpetration.

These theories are clearly not mutually exclusive and often draw on elements of other models to more fully explain the development of partner violence in a multifaceted way.

Some of the other facets in this mix include the following:

¦ Men who perpetrate IPV often suffer from pathological processes such as depression and substance abuse.

¦ Researchers have identified four distinct psychological syndromes that appear to differentiate men who perpetrate IPV from those who do not: (a) depression, (b) PTSD, (c) substance abuse, and (d) borderline personality disorder.

¦ Other factors include (a) personality characteristics (e.g., hostility), (b) attitudes (e.g., accepting aggression as a means of solving problems), and (c) cognitive processes (e.g., problem-solving skills). In general, IPV perpetrators are more angry and hostile than nonviolent groups

A cognitive explanation of why people resort to violence, according to Aaron Beck in an article titled 'Anger, Hostility, and Violence', runs like this: The steps in such acute reactions are first the event, then a negative, personalised interpretation, then a hurt feeling, blaming the hurt on the "offender", and finally, consequently, the urge to punish him.

The key to understanding the intensity of his rage was that he felt diminished...This sense of being diminished in some way (hurt, frustrated, threatened) is the initial factor in hostility…First is the framing of the other person or group as bad and the self as the innocent victim. This paradigm of the innocent self and the guilty other is the common denominator across most kinds of violence.

In my experience of dealing with people, I have found that men hit out in violent actions when they are threatened with the possibility of a relationship ending or they feel pushed over the limit during relational conflict by a partner who will not allow them to back away, get "space", and get centred.

Women hit out in violence when they have reason to believe their partner has been unfaithful or when they feel threatened by their partner. Both men and women are vulnerable to IPV when they are excessively dependent in a relationship – men are when they are emotionally dependent and women are when they are economically dependent.

Responding to and dealing successfully with IPV is not simply a matter of "anger management".

Rather, it is often a matter of dealing with the bi-directional dynamics in the situation. IVP is multi-determined; there is no one single thread of cause-and-effect, and it is always a relationship issue. That is, in colloquial terms, these partners are doing a destructive "dance" with one another, so that a feedback loop in the way they move results in a co-created episode of violence.

This is not to blame the victim, as if to say she or he "asked for it".

However, when asking the question, "Why do men hit?" one must step back and take in the complete and larger picture. The "why" question, frankly, is not that helpful. What is more helpful, because it has some handles on it by which people can make some changes, is how men and women come to hit. As I said to one person last week who was asking what makes his partner do what she does, "What part do you have in what she does?" Discovering one's part in a partner's violence empowers a person to take charge and change their part in that, which then, hopefully, leads to a different conclusion.