What is enough? When do you know that you've eaten enough? Do you have the capacity to know when you are full? When do you know that you have enough; that is, what lets you know that you don't need or want any more gadgets, toys or other material possessions? When have you had enough and can't take any more? That is, what tells you that you are "over the top" and simply have no more capacity to assimilate stress or deal with difficult people?

I often meet with couples in which one person states that she/he has endured enough, and they are leaving the relationship. In such cases, you can see it in that person's affect, their emotional tone. It's flat. They just don't have anything more to give. They are spent. They are through caring. It does not matter how much the other person bleeds emotionally in front of them, how repentant they are, how many promises they make, or anything like that. The person in question just wants out and to get away.

One of the ways people know that they have endured enough, been disrespected enough, been trashed enough, been wounded enough, is that they get angry. Some forms of anger are healthy, and in fact, I tend to encourage people to first be aware of their anger (which for some people is not easy to do, because they are either not used to paying attention to their emotions or being angry is not 'okay' for some reason), and then to use it constructively.

How do you use anger constructively?

First, you can express it out and into the world. Emotions are signals that something important is going on, and they orient us towards what that important thing might be. If you are angry, you can express what is important for you, and to express it means to share it outward, not keep it bottled up inside. Do artwork or some other kind of creative expression like dance. If you are not artistically inclined, then just get some finer paints and start smearing. You can talk your anger into the world; you can call up a friend and tell them how you feel. You can work out strenuously (but within reason so as not to injure yourself). I recall once feeling so hurt and angry that I cut and split seven cords of wood (Whew! That felt good.).

Second, you can utilise the energy that anger provides to establish and re-enforce necessary boundaries with toxic or unsafe people. Who is a toxic or unsafe person? Such a person is someone who does not understand basic boundaries; that is, they do not respect your physical body, your private space, and/or your belongings, and they don't respect and simply accept your thoughts, feelings, values, and/or decisions. When you share your thoughts and feelings, an unsafe person will tell you: "Don't think that! That was stupid. That's not important." So, anger drives the boundary necessary to keep oneself safe in the midst of unsafe people.

The Bible says to "be angry, and yet do not sin…." It also says: "Let all bitterness and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you…" How does one interested in such things reconcile these two thoughts? There is an anger that is healthy and acceptable, even necessary. God is described at times as being angry. Some kinds of anger indicate healthy spirituality. There is also an anger that is permeated by malice, aimed at simple retaliation and vengeance, and that anger is as good as murder. Instead of being focused on an act of injustice, it is focused on the agent of offense – the person we think has wounded us, and the remedy is not justice or a return to equity; the remedy of unhealthy anger is the annihilation of the offender. That is where we need to turn the other cheek. Another way to think about this is to notice whether or not there is a pattern of injustice or a one-time offense. When injustice or inhumanity does occur, we do not need to turn the other cheek; we need to resist, even aggressively so. We need to confront. We need to establish a line in the sand beyond which it is not acceptable for a repeat offender to go, and if he or she tries to go there anyway, we need to enforce the boundary. It often takes anger to provide the adequate internal supports necessary to "drive" such a boundary.

When a person attains that kind of internal support a little voice tends sound off inside that yells something like, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!" Why not? Because it's not okay, and I won't stand for it. I won't let you. The answer is 'no'.

That is the person who knows he or she has had enough. They are full to overflowing with the way things have been going on, and they push away from the table of compliance, passivity, and timidity. It is anger that helps them do so. Healthy anger. Healthy anger makes the words, "I have had enough", mean something. When is enough? It's when one is annoyed enough to enforce the limit.