A few years ago, while on vacation in Massachusetts, I stayed with a family who had a grandmother with Alzheimer’s. During my stay my host’s daughter arranged for her new boyfriend to come over and meet the family. That day everyone rushed about trying to get everything tidy, and generally getting in each other’s way. In the middle of all the chaos the grandmother stood up and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go inside and change my clothes, since we’re having the Queen come for tea.”The recent Queen’s Jubilee events made me wonder what we would serve if the Queen came to tea. A quick browse around the internet reveals that actually you wouldn’t need anything terribly complicated to make the Queen feel at home. One of her chefs, Darren McGrady, recently wrote a tell-all book, ‘Eating Royally: Recipes and Remembrances from a Palace Kitchen’ detailing what the Queen liked to eat. Apparently, she goes to so many high society dinners with rich food, what she really likes is simple, typically British food. So, should Queen Elizabeth II ever show up at your house one day with her suitcase and a declaration that she intends to sit and stay a spell, here is a possible menu:Breakfast: If the Queen comes at breakfast, just pull a box of Special K or Corn Flakes out of the cupboard. If you want to give her something really special, add a boiled brown egg. She prefers brown eggs because she feels they taste better. You might also want to make her some toast with marmalade crusts removed please. She likes Darjeeling tea with her breakfast.Lunch: The Queen loves fish, often grilled in a simple fashion and on a bed of wilted lettuce. She prefers Dover sole sandwiches. Dover sole is apparently loaded with omega threes, which would explain how she has managed to stay so healthy and active at age 86.Ingredients:½ lbs Dover sole fillets; in Bermuda you might have to substitute the sole for tilapia2 tbs of bottled tartare sauceRomaine lettuceRollsMethod:In a non-stick pan fry up the fish for eight to ten minutes and break up with a spatula. Scrape the fish into a bowl and mix with the tartare sauce. Spread the fish on one side of the roll and top with lettuce. This recipe makes five to six sandwiches.Afternoon snack: The Queen might like some cheese and celery. In terms of cheese, her favourite is rumoured to be a Scottish caboc roll. This is a double cream cheese rolled in toasted pinhead oatmeal. It has a very buttery taste and texture. If you give her scones for tea, be aware that she has a tendency to sneak large bits of it to the dog. If your dog looks fatter after the Queen departs, you’ll know why.Dinner: Since the Queen likes things simple and she is the representative of the British people, what could be more British than beans on toast? For the record, during the Second World War Government House reportedly fed Winston Churchill reconstituted Campbell’s Soup when he turned up out of the blue. Because of food shortages and rationing it was all they had. After the dinner he apparently stood and told the Governor’s wife it was the best meal he’d ever had.IngredientsToast4 slices of nice fresh bread2 spring onions, thinly sliced2 oz cheddar cheese, gratedBeans:16oz tin of Bush’s Boston Baked Beans1tbs soft light brown sugar1tbs cider vinegar1 tsp mustard2 tsp grated onionMethodPlace the beans, sugar, vinegar, mustard and onion in a saucepan. Slowly bring to the boil, stirring, then reduce the heat to simmer for about ten minutes. Keep warm while you do the toast.Pre-heat the grill on your oven to high. Place the bread slices on a baking tray and grill for several minutes on each side until lightly toasted. Sprinkle one side of each slice with ¼ of the grated cheese. Sprinkle the onions over the top, to taste. Put it back under the grill and grill until the cheese is melted and bubbly.Place two slices of cheese toast on each of two warmed plates. Divide the beans equally among the two plates and spoon them over top of the cheese toasts.Apparently, the Queens’ favourite wine is Vergelegen from South Africa, if you want to serve wine with your cheesy, baked beans.Useful website: www.theroyalchef.com.