In the field of psychotherapy any given clinician, at any given moment in the process, can find him or herself concerned with the way someone is thinking, feeling, or doing. In technical terms cognition, affect, and behaviour. Entire systems of psychotherapy have grown up around commitments to the emphasis of one of these modalities over others.Coincidentally, in theology these involve the signposts of repentance, because for a full repentance to take place the offending party must understand intellectually that he or she has done something wrong (offensive to another) and really “get” how that is so, he or she must regret that and feel bad about it, and he or she must decide never to do such a thing again. In a certain way of speaking, that is head, heart, and walk or “know”, “feel”, and “do”.When I am meeting with people I often, and I have said this before here, ask them to imagine their situation is a painting a picture and I ask them to take it in. See what is there. Let the whole picture emerge until they really get it. Then, after they get it, I ask them to focus on how they feel. If THAT is what is taking place with regards to their situation, then how does that make them feel? It takes time to both see the big picture and feel the emotion(s) and name it (them). This is important, because emotions are the alert signals indicating that something is important to a person. So, when they see the big picture and emotions emerge, they need to sit with them awhile and allow themselves to really feel the impact of the situation. Understanding what is going on and how one actually feels in the midst of it all leads to what must be done, the action steps of behaviour that in a healthy individual naturally follow. So, when clients have let the situation and how they feel sink in a bit, I ask them, “Based on what is happening in your life and how that makes you feel, what do you want to do?”Purpose-language has a big effect. In motivational interviewing pro-recovery language, expressions that employ purpose-to-change communication, contributes to a positive motivational stance. Since the motivation of the client is one of the common factors researchers have found are significant and lead to positive outcomes, this last step is important and can both foreshadow and stimulate growth and change during the therapeutic process.In everyday life these insights from theology and psychology might be worth keeping in mind.If you do something to offend someone else, you don't need to go to your priest or your therapist to find out what to do next. And a quick and perfunctory apology will only get you in more trouble. Instead of dealing with the other person and trying to “fix” the situation, just keep in mind the three steps that relate to how human beings are made and function: think, feel, and do.First, think your way through what has happened. She did that when I said this, then she did something, and I did something, and BOOM. What did I say? How could that have been received by her? What was it like for her to hear that from me? How did I say it? What did it mean to her? You may have to ask clarifying questions, but the idea is not to defend so as to keep oneself safe. The idea is to risk not being safe, for the sake of the relationship, in order to take the perspective of another and to see the situation through another person's eyes. That leads to getting as many pieces of the picture as one can so that one can make better sense of it so that one can “get it”.Second, let the significance of the situation sink in. Just sit with it a bit. Emotions tend to emerge; they just are. On their own they are neither good nor bad; they are the natural result of being alive and in contact in one's world. You don't have to manufacture them. In fact, if emotions are manufactured, they are probably just “for effect”. We were made to be emotional, and emotions provide a helpful resource. They indicate what is important to us what is dangerous, attractive, fun, profitable, satisfying, etc. If you have offended someone important to you, and the situation with them is tenuous, you might be feeling insecure anxious that the relationship might be in danger. That is you. What about the other person? Watch the face, the eyes, and how the person is carrying him or herself. What emotions have emerged out of the situation for them? Again, you may have to ask clarifying questions in order to find out what it is like for them.Third, based on the nature of the situation and how you feel in it (thus also what is important to you), what do you want or intend to do? If you have offended someone, and you want to do damage control, then I do not recommend trying to get yourself off the hook, making a case and attempting to prove you did not do something or did not intend to hurt someone (even if you really think your are innocent). I recommend you set yourself aside in order to take the perspective of the other person and to find out what that person needs or wants from you. After all, that other person has likely been taking stock of the situation, getting in touch with his or her feelings, and coming to some conclusions of their own based on their perspective, their position in the situation. If all they detect in you is a defensive attitude, you are likely toast (at least for awhile).At any given time a person can be in his or her head, responding from the heart, or just letting his or her actions speak for themselves. We are whole beings. We are not just minds that think or passions that rule over us. We are not just cold behaviourists. Whether or not we operate with a spiritual worldview or a natural one, we are stuck with thinking, feeling, and acting as the three modalities of a whole life.