I hate travelling!I loathe having to wait in long lines to go through Immigration, Customs, the searches, and, as with most other travellers, I hate the food ... that's if there's is any to be had. I hate the fact that it costs me a small fortune to buy a coffee at the airport and that I have to take out a second mortgage if I want to buy a stale sandwich.Needless to say, I was not a happy traveller last week when I had to fly to the USA.So, I had to prepare myself for the long lines ahead of me to check-in and go through the security process to get to my destination. As I'm standing in my first of many lines, a lady comes up to me and says “Sir, have you checked-in?” I reply “Um no, that's why I'm in the line Madam.” To which she replies, “Check-in is now self-service. You need to go to one of those convenient kiosk machines over yonder.” I respond “Well Madam, that's not convenient to me at all thank you. I hate machines and I want to be served by a human being.” She then says, “No Sir, you need to go over there first then you can go through the ticket counter.” So now here we have an example of more lines to wait in. What used to take one line, now takes two! That's progress for you!So I get up to the machine and look at it and look at it, and nothing happens. Then from the back of me, a voice aimed at my direction says “Sir, could you please hurry it along?” My reply was “I'm waiting for it to say Good Morning”. At that point, I was whisked away directly to the ticket counter in record time and was on my way to US Immigration border control. Now, wasn't that easier for everyone?Okay, there I am in line number two. The Immigration officer asks me “What is the purpose of your trip?” “Business” I replied. “And how long will you be in the US?” “Four days” I said. “Sir, would you please look at the camera, then put your thumb on the scanner. Okay, now can you put your toe on the scanner”? I looked at him, not sure what to do. So I then proceeded to bend down to take off my socks and sandals when I heard a laugh. “I was just joking Sir, have a great trip!” What's this?! An Immigration Officer with a sense of humour?! Make this man president!Line number three Security asks me to “Please put your bag in the X-ray machine Sir”. Sure, no problem. “Sir, can you now please open your bag so I can search it?” Hang on! Didn't we just put it through an X-ray machine so I didn't have to open it more flipping time wasted!!Line number four more security. “Please remove your jackets and put all metal objects in the tray and remove your shoes and belt.” If my pants fall down, it's going to be on your conscience ‘cause I hate wearing draws. So after they confiscate my bottle of water, I head upstairs to the departure lounge. This is where I pay close attention to the other passengers to prepare myself for who may be on my flight.What's that I hear? A screaming baby? There is nothing worse than being around a screaming baby on a flight. Well, actually there is ... and there they are. Two people with built-in excess baggage around their hips and butt. You know the ones that have to wiggle their big tail into the seat so they can fit. The people that insist on taking over both arm rests and half of your seat.Line number five. The flight is called for boarding. So after handing in my boarding pass in-hand, I hear the dreaded words “Sir, you have been randomly selected to undergo a security check”. Well, of course I have and then proceed into line number six. So after they check through my carry-on baggage (again), downstairs I go, and yes, into line number seven for passport checks!Then by some miracle, I finally board the aircraft to face yet another line (number eight) to get to my seat.So that's EIGHT lines to get on an aeroplane in Bermuda!!Finally I'm seated and looking down the aisle to see what might be coming my way. Oh no! Crying baby, please pass, please pass, please pass. Phew! They went past, that was close. Oh no! Fat people, -please pass, please pass, please pass. Yes, I'm on a roll, the flight Gods are with me! They pass right on by.Oh yes! A pretty woman, please don't pass, please don't pass, please don't pass. Darn it! She went right by me.Then I hear the Captain say we should prepare for take-off. Oh man, this is too good to be true. The door is being closed. Could it be have I got three seats all to myself? Just then, out of the blue, this man decides to change seats and sit next to me. Hmm, I'm going to have to deal with this. So I leaned over to him and said, “Are you in the witness protection programme as well?” He hauled his backside out of that seat so fast. And with a big grin, I leaned back to enjoy the flight.Fly the friendly skies!!Are you bent out of shape over something? E-mail grumpyoldman@royalgazette.bm*Follow Grumpy on his Twitter page: https://twitter.com/#!/GrumpyoldmanMan