Steps to SuccessHow does leaving the milk out end up in divorce, a misunderstanding result in an employment tribunal, or the ‘wrong’ look from a person lead to a war?Last week we explored conflict, its sources, and measures we can put in place to avoid it… This week I’m delving deeper into conflict’s thorny nature, how it works and particularly, how it works on us. Awareness being the first step to greater understanding, here we’ll examine how conflict can escalate and how to resolve it if it does.Like the above examples, have you ever found yourself in a conflict situation and wondered, “How did I get here? How’d it get this bad?”Conflict has a natural progression of four stages if it goes unaddressed. It starts with irritation: a mild problem that can, for the most part, be overlooked.But if it is left then annoyance builds as the ‘problem’ causes increased frustration. The first signs of stress appear and even outsiders may recognise there’s an issue. The mindset of the parties change so that they expect difficulties (looking for evidence). But they still talk about their concerns in a logical way.If the issue continues unaddressed, anger emerges. The problems elicit more intense feelings and logic gets replaced with more emotional words and delivery, expressing hurt, lack of fairness and bitterness.Anger eventually reduces to ‘violence’. The mindset is now: win at any cost. Communication has completely devolved from a logical expression about the problem to an emotional one (anger), finally resorting to a physical expression (walking out, slamming doors, sabotaging plans/property etc and ultimately physical violence at its most extreme level).It may start with something small, but if those early signs of irritation aren’t dealt with, emotion increases. As the emotion increases the logic and ability to deal sensibly with it, decreases. Throw in some old arguments, some irrelevant information, a power struggle and some personal jabs, as we are apt to do, and you’ve got a toxic soup to choke any relationship. At this stage it’s often hard to even remember what started the dispute.Some really interesting behaviour can emerge as we find ourselves in conflict situations as a way of coping with the rising emotions: denial, minimising it (saying it’s no big deal, although it is), blaming someone else rather than taking personal responsibility, taking it out on others (usually family or friends), regressing into childish behaviour (stamping feet, going off in a huff, passive aggression), getting stuck obsessing over one aspect of the conflict, fantasising and blowing it way out of proportion.Do any of these sound familiar?We also can develop a default emotional reaction that we jump to when we feel slighted or faced with a conflict situation. How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? How do you respond when you discover somebody’s done something you asked them not to?How do you deal with conflict? Here are some common approaches:Competing: a my-interest-at-your-expense approach. Relying on an aggressive communication style, competing in power and rights contests with little regard for future relationships, this method tends to result in responses that increase the level of threat.Accommodating: this approach involves yielding to the other party, giving in, self-sacrificing, often in the name of being diplomatic. The needs of the group overwhelm their own. The negative long-term effects of perpetual martyrdom don’t need to be spelled out.Avoiding: the head-in-the-sand approach where conflict is avoided at all costs side-stepping, postponing, withdrawing. This is a common response to the negative perception of conflict. “It’ll blow over,” we tell ourselves. But often what happens is that pent up feelings and unexpressed views fester until they manifest, sometimes in totally unrelated behaviour or situations. If treated early the issue probably would have been dealt with and everyone could move on. Avoiding conflict lets it take root and insidiously destroy relationships from the inside, and everyone is left wondering where it went wrong.If you find yourself doing this, some really key questions to ask yourself are:l What am I afraid of?l What’s the worst that can happen?l If I do nothing, what will happen?l What options do I have?Compromising: this is the way most people assume that conflict has to be solved, with a series of tradeoffs you win a little, lose a little. Although a solution can be reached this way, it’s not always a satisfying one and both parties are often left not better understanding the other side and lacking in trust.Collaborating is both assertive and cooperative and involves pursuing a win-win solution through exploring, listening, learning. It involves an integration of needs and creates a better solution than either party could have come up with alone.Which approach do you habitually take? How’s that working out for you?There are many great coaching tools to help people handle conflict at its various levels, including exercises in shifting roles to see others’ perspectives, examining values, investigating the conflict’s source, and simply giving aggrieved parties ‘a good listening to’ in a safe environment.Asking: what is subjective? What is objective? How else can we see this situation?Also: what is the impact of the conflict? What is the impact of resolving it (the costs/benefits) and the impact of not resolving it (the costs and any secondary benefits)?Ideally, conflicting parties need to progress out of the denial and anger stages (de-escalating the conflict) and move towards acceptance:l wanting to move on from the conflict;l recognising we are part of the problem and therefore must be part of the solution;l understanding the whole situation, the other’s position and exploring ways forward either toward closure or a collaborative result.Resolution requires a shift away from blaming individuals and taking it personally, to instead seeing conflict situations as simply ‘questions of difference’ between people.Communication, creative thought and collaboration can turn those differences into assets.I say: make synergy, not war!Julia Pitt is a trained success coach and certified NLP practitioner. For more information telephone 705-7488 or visit www.juliapittcoaching.com.