Are there some people you just find it hard to talk to? They might be perfectly nice people and, on paper, might be someone you think you’d get along with, but in person it feels awkward. You might describe them as someone you don’t gel with.This disconnect can be bewildering, especially if you consider yourself friendly and generally find it easy to socialise. It can also be frustrating. Our confusion and discomfort in this situation can lead us to blame the other person. We might conclude that they are unfriendly or stuck-up, bored, or don’t like us, or are being condescending, mean or rude etc. Yet there is a good chance it may be none of these things … it may just be that you are out of rapport with each other.Rapport can be defined as a sympathetic relationship, a connection, a harmonious accord.Have you ever watched two friends in a cafe, engrossed in conversation? Have you ever noticed how they are sitting, usually in very similar positions — if one’s got their legs crossed, so does the other, if one is leaning in, the other is leaning in, one’s got their arm up holding a cup, the other might have their arm up resting their head on their chin or similar. Not only this but when one shifts position, naturally so the other seems to shift as well and they are soon in unison again.We call this behaviour, Matching and Mirroring. This is not something that happens on a conscious level, we don’t try to do it, it’s more of an innate response. This almost-dance that accompanies good communication is our natural physical embodiment of being in rapport.There are many aspects of another person that we can match and mirror when in rapport. We’ve already mentioned body language, posture, gestures and physical movements … Others include:Vocal — Pace, Volume, PitchTypes of words usedEye contact amount, even focal positioningFacial gesturesBreathing rate and depthMatching is when two people are doing the same things, so if left leg is crossed on one, left leg is crossed on the other. Mirroring is instead as if one were the mirror reflection of the other person. Matching can also be not an exact replica, more a similarity. For example, one might be matching the other person’s speaking rate by tapping their foot in the same tempo.This is a complex art that we do naturally. And yet, as we described in the beginning, there are just some folks we don’t quite get it together with.There are lots of ways that people can differ, especially in their preferences like the way we tend to think, learn, take in the world around us etc and just our approach to ‘being’. These don’t necessarily influence our opinions or thoughts so much as how we are processing them. If you are speaking with someone who is processing very differently from you, this is where that sense of disconnect can sometimes occur. We do not feel on the same wavelength. But it could be detrimental to discount these individuals for that reason. Embracing difference can open up so many new possibilities and options. For example, ask yourself: in what way is this person interpreting the world differently from me and what can I learn from this?How can we ease the communication so that it flows more naturally and we can better understand them?We can create rapport. We can deliberately harness this natural behaviour pattern to allow us to access that good connection that we otherwise have.How do we do this?Sensitively and carefully!The aim of creating rapport is to put ourselves into the other person’s world for a while, experience closer to what they are experiencing, thereby adopting their wavelength.The next time you are experiencing communication difficulties with someone, why not try, very gently, matching and mirroring them a bit. Very subtly adjust your way of doing some of the list above to fall in line with the other person’s approach. The key is not to be obvious. What we don’t want to do is alienate anyone or make them feel self-conscious by having them feel mimicked or ridiculed or even notice you copying them.Sometimes it doesn’t take much to put you back on the inner track with your conversation partner.A really clear way to demonstrate the power of rapport is to try the following experiment. With a friend, decide on two topics of conversation — one on which you disagree, another which you both agree on. Set a timer for five minutes and discuss the contentious topic, but maintaining rapport the whole time. Ensure you are facing each other and doing similar body movements and your physical and speech patterns are in sync. Next, converse for five minutes on the subject you both agree on but this time deliberately break rapport. Either turn away from them or deliberately position yourself differently to them, alter your breathing from theirs or change other aspects. For each turn, take note of what you observe..Common findings from this exercise are that even when people are disagreeing, if they maintain rapport, it doesn’t escalate to an argument. Often the partners will just agree to disagree quite congenially. Meanwhile, talking about a shared subject without rapport can lead people to report feeling like they weren’t being heard, unsatisfied that they had made their point, even both arguing the same point of view.This is powerful stuff.A step further than this is the art of pacing and leading. Back to the scenario in the cafe … Watching closely you will notice that one person tends to initiate any change and the other person follows. Who initiates can change back and forth throughout the conversation, with the shifting of focus and dominance. When you are matching/mirroring the other person, you are said to be pacing them. Once you have gained rapport successfully, you can then begin to ‘lead’ them by being the one to initiate change. This is a way of subtly but deliberately influencing others. An example of how this could be useful: imagine you are on the phone with an irate customer who is speaking loudly and quickly in anger. It is possible to pace their volume and rate of speaking, though being positive, and then when rapport is reached, subtly decrease your volume and speed and slowly lead them to a calmer way of talking.It can be useful to be aware of our human behaviours and interactions. We all subconsciously match and mirror, pace and lead, in virtually every communication we enter into. We can also control and purposefully manipulate these behaviours for either positive or negative effect. This is also good to be aware of. Sales people, for example, will often create rapport in this way as part of their toolbox of techniques for exerting influence on others. As with anything, these techniques can be used irresponsibly or selfishly or indeed respectfully and with positive intention.Matching and mirroring can be a great way to help bridge a communication gap and, by sharing someone else’s world for a while, discover the possibilities there that could otherwise be lost. Simple but powerful communication dance steps … to greater success.Julia Pitt is a trained Success Coach and certified NLP practitioner. For further information contact Julia on (441) 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com