Part I of a two-part Series on Families, Financial support, sharing and in some cases, financial sabotage.

There is no disputing that this is a difficult time for many individuals and their families in Bermuda. Everyone in a family, I have no doubt, is being called to step up to the plate for assistance.

Families in Financial Motion involve emotional allegiances, turmoil, frustrations, disagreements, and the ultimate caring that takes place on a routine basis within a family unit.

I am referring, of course, to family favouritisms, family need, unequal reciprocations, and some downright financial enabling that any of us with families have faced at one time, and how families try to bring about fair resolutions. Sometimes, they just aren’t fair; they will never be fair, and that is the way life is. However, in times of great need, families are what we have and where we go (for the greatest part, if we are lucky to have families) to receive solace, encouragement, support (both financial and emotional) and loyalty beyond the pale. The family becomes even more lucky if those that are helped repay those efforts, twofold, tenfold and beyond.

This is what families are.

However, in many families, situations evolve where the financial balance is tipped, the giver and the recipient create a symbiotic, adversarial imbalance between each other and the rest of the family. The resolution of the problem is very, very difficult, sometimes, insolvable, particularly, when legal contract law is applicable, as we shall see.

Here are a few scenarios, both composites from my practice in the United States and in Bermuda. Feel free to comment, you may blog, or send a letter of information confidentially, of course.

1. It is a very large family with many children. The parents are now passed, but still, every year the joyous celebration for the holidays is quite the event. Such a large family that the their local church allowed them to rent the church hall for two days: cooking, decorating, etc, etc everyone travels for miles around.

For years, everyone loved everyone. Fun, laughs, sharing, enthusiasm, sheer joy. Now they are older. Not everyone has succeeded financially; comparisons are being made; the cracks are appearing and the claws are out. Jealousy, especially, after a few libations is rearing its ugly head. “Why have you become more successful than me? Why do you have more money? What did our parents do for you that they did not do for me?” These are questions that have few answers — given that the family was poor, and if anything, the youngest siblings received the greatest advantages, being born later in life when the parents became more financially secure. Were these adult children spoiled more, made less responsible because it was easier to just buy things than hold them accountable?” When the parents pass on, there is a certain uneasiness and the beginnings of isolation and pullbacks in relationships. Somehow, trust is evaporating and suspicion that some benefited more than others. These were parents that believed in being absolutely fair to everyone they loved. What happens to us, to people over time that we start making these judgments? We don’t know, but the family is not the same now, and there is drifting away from the core values and integrity of the family itself.

2. Mom liked me best. Well, she didn’t really, however, Dad passed early on. When Mom became quite ill and needed home care, miraculously, Miss Daughter returned from her work position many states away and was there to take over. She, who was so remote, barely in touch with Mummy over the years. Miss Daughter had not performed terribly well in her career because it was a challenge to work maturely with her co-workers, always. So, Ms. Daughter moved into Mom’s well appointed house, becoming Mom’s primary caregiver, and in the process, conducted an extensive review of Mom’s finances. Soon, she was appointed guardian, etc, and signatory on all Mom’s accounts. She completely supplanted her only brother, who had looked after his Mother unselfishly for years. He provided repairs, maintenance, chauffeuring, taking time from his job to assure himself his mother was comfortable — they had a great long-term relationship, after all. A few years later, dear Mom passes to her great reward. You can guess the cynical outcome. Miss Daughter has eliminated her brother entirely, completely, as if he never existed, from any share of his mother’s largesse, in spite of her wishes that the two children share equally. Not on paper, not in newer will, and no contest because brother has no money for a court fight. Yes, these little and big manoeuvres happen very frequently — under the “larceny in the heart” motivation. Facts are changed, but this is a true life story.

3. Sheer deception — with the law on his side. Father worked incredibly hard all his (short) life. That was the way; that was the culture. He was a new immigrant to Bermuda and sought to capitalise on every opportunity. There were four children and his wife, and a number of apartments when he passed away after a long battle with stomach cancer. His consuming goal was to protect his family so that everyone would own a piece of property that he could give to them at their wedding, or leave in his will. His only son won kudos from everyone for his devoted attention to his Dad: the daily hospice visits, the special movies, the food that he loved even if he could not eat. Why he almost superseded his Mom at this chaotic sad time. Dad leaves this early paradise. Less than one week, later, Only son informs his mother and three sisters that he owns all the real estate. They can pay him rent, or vacate the premises.

Composite case — close to true story. What gets into people? How can anyone live with themselves when they execute figuratively, and almost literally, someone’s entire financial security. Who was the legal mind that put the joint-tenancies into place (Only son and his father)? The firm could be excused as Only Son put through a few lies, but then Dad would not have been compos mentis, so possibly, strict due diligence was not conducted.

In the words of Claudette Fleming, executive director of Age Concern Bermuda, and various volunteer advocates, “Do not, do not sign over your property — TO ANYONE, including your children!” I will add that implied within that comment is — without researching, meeting professional legal advisers, and seriously considering all alternatives.

Next — Part II.

The Leeches, beseechers, the stoics, the enablers, the downright disgusted, the enabled (who can work, should work, but won’t work) because why should they? It’s a cushy deal, already. They are getting regular cash subsidies from parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc and they are ensconced in Granny’s house, chilling out — everything done for them. Once in a while, feeling grandiose, they might top up the grocery cart.

Parents and grandparents often cannot face the guilt they will feel if they do not help out. It is even harder when children are involved, cause who is affected the most then.

Martha Harris Myron JP CPA PFS CFP® JSM* Summa Cum Laude *Masters of Law in International Tax and Financial Services

Pondstraddler Life™ Consultancy provides consulting in cross border financial planning perspectives for international citizens living, working, crossing borders, and straddling ponds in the North Atlantic Quadrangle: United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Europe, and the island of Bermuda, the premier international finance centre. For consultations, publications & presentations, contact martha@pondstraddler.com 1 441 735 4720