Dear Carla: I am with a man who is overly suspicious of every little thing I do, but expects me to believe every excuse he gives no matter how ridiculous it is. I will give you an example. One day at work on my break, I left my job and went out to get food and to do some shopping. During my travels, I thought I saw him and I pulled in to a lay bye and phoned him to see if it was him. He said it was him and I asked him why he did not stop. He said it was because he had phoned my job and had been informed that I was busy. He then questioned exactly what I was doing and why someone would tell him I was busy when I was out. My job has a policy on giving information, however I feel I should not be questioned and he keeps inferring that I am not trustworthy and constantly jumps to the worse in every situation and tries to get me to explain the non events in his head.

No I am not messing around but it is like he has zero trust and is overly suspicious at the slightest thing. On the flip side he expects me to believe every word he says. He will say he is coming over to my house at a certain hour but three hours and many phone calls saying, “I’ll be there in ten or 20 minutes”, he will arrive and act like I should not be suspicious or upset. This happens all the time.

Also, one time we were in bed and he needed something done at his home, so he cooly called his neighbour, who was female. I heard him tell her the key was in the usual place, but again, I am not supposed to be suspicious. Yet another time a good female friend left a message on his answering machine which sounded like something an angry girlfriend would do. He expects me to be accountable but when it comes to him, I’m supposed to understand. If I am wrong, please tell me. I feel I should not have to account for what I choose to do on my breaks.

I also need him to understand that the constant suspicions only make me feel that maybe it is he who is up to something because as I said, he constantly makes a big thing out of what most people think is normal. I do not know what to do. This last incident has caused a big rift but I refuse to be treated with suspicion over something that is in his head. Also he admitted that it was not him who I had seen. He just said it was to see what I was up to. What he can’t see is that lie is the foundation of the whole argument and what I don’t understand was the way he actually argued the point of his lie. — This is Insane

Dear This is Insane: It sounds to me as if he is extremely insecure and is trying to mentally manipulate you. The mind games have to stop because his actions will become more draining as they continue. Life is too stressful on a normal day. Who needs this?

What type of relationship was he in prior to the one he has with you? Did she cheat on him? Maybe he has not let go of his past.

And I agree with you ... it sounds as if he has been up to no good which is why he’s harassing you. Guilt is something else, you know. And he seems to be wrestling with his ... unsuccessfully I might add. Most times when one is continually accusing the other it’s because they are being unsavory themselves. Be careful not to fall into that trap.

If you do not have any substantive investments with him, for example children or co-owning property of some sort, then I suggest you put your cards on the table. And if there are no attempts at change on his behalf, leave.

Dear Carla: I have been seeing a guy for months. We have a good vibe but he never takes me anywhere. Not even to a $10 movie. I know times are tight but what irritates me is that when his boys invite him out he’s gone without a moment’s hesitation. I’m beginning to feel like he doesn’t want many people to know about us. I’ve brought this to his attention and he says it’s me being paranoid. Do you think he’s seeing someone else? — Fed Up

Dear Fed Up: There are so many gaps in detail that I don’t think it would be fair for me to make any sort of determination if he’s seeing someone else. However it does sound to me like he’s immature. He doesn’t want to commit yet wants to keep you in a certain comfort zone. Guys like this are selfish ... either you’re in or you’re out.

The key lies within you. He will only treat you how you allow him to. I’m not saying give him an ultimatum. You have to put your foot down if not he will think his actions are acceptable.