Dear Carla: I am going through a very trying time in my life and I’m doing my best to remain upbeat. However I have a relative who seems to constantly do everything to bring me down. They rarely offer words of support and when people ask them how I am doing, they make negative remarks and it seems like they brush my condition off. Some who have seen this firsthand think that they are acting like this because they are hurting, but their actions are hurting me badly and it is bothering me deeply. They have even gone as far as lying. I don’t understand what this is about since I would think this is a time when loved ones stick together. I want to say something but don’t want to start a fuss because it’s the last thing I need. But not saying anything is eating me inside. What should I do? — UPSET

Dear Upset: It sounds to me like your loved one is struggling with whatever issues you are facing. Some people do not know how to cope effectively with issues that involve their loved ones. Maybe they feel that the condition will not exist if they ignore it, which is not healthy. As uncomfortable as the situation may be, they should face it head on because should something happen to you they could end up burdened by guilt. Here’s what I think you should do ... create a video. Talk to them directly from your heart. Get everything off your chest. Give specific examples of how their actions are hurting you. Cry if you need to. You do not have to give it to them right away if you choose not to. This is more of an exercise for you in order to offload the stress. In order to battle whatever you are dealing with, you have to cleanse.

In the meanwhile, you have to understand that people who they are and no matter how much you wish they were different, they are who they are and there’s nothing you can do about it. This has been one of the hardest yet greatest lessons I’ve had to learn in order to be where I am emotionally and spiritually today. I would spend endless hours trying to figure out why they were the way they are and how to get them to “see” but once the realisation hit me that no matter how much I wanted them to change, unless they wanted it for themselves I was only beating my head into a wall. I had more than one person like this in my life so trust me I’ve had a ton of practice. And you know what, once you accept them for who they are, they have less of a negative impact on your life. Let the negative parts of them go. Embrace the positive. You need this more for yourself than them. Don’t ever forget that.

Dear Carla: My children always get invited to birthday parties and love going but I don’t like them because I have to buy gifts and right now I can’t afford it. I would rather not send them than send them empty-handed because all children love opening gifts on their birthday. I don’t want to tell my children they can’t go because they would be heartbroken, but it seems like every weekend another friend has a birthday. What do I do? — GIFTED OUT

Dear Gifted Out: Many people are feeling the financial pinch so I’m sure parents will understand what you are going through. As you said, children like opening gifts, and in most cases the value of the gift is not the first thing on their minds. A $10 gift certificate from a store could go a long way. Alternatively, speak to the hosting parents and tell them your dilemma. Last year, one of my sons went to a birthday party and I couldn’t afford a gift. When his birthday rolled around and he had a small party, I invited the same children and when their mom asked what did he need, I told her simply: “Their presence. I didn’t get your children gifts, so we are good.” He was none the wiser. He was just happy to be with his friends.

Dear Carla: Me and my boyfriend want to elope but we are both only children and our mothers would be devastated (they’ve both said this on numerous occasions). I say it’s our life we should do what we want but he feels we should respect our parents’ wishes. What do you think we should do? — SHOULD WE?

Dear Should We: I think you should do whatever works for you. This is YOUR life and you should live it accordingly. Perhaps a compromise could be eloping and then having a formal reception later on. That seems win/win for everybody. Your parents should be happy for you regardless.