Annabel Karmel, so-called expert on cooking for children, is a fraud. There I said it. Her Fussy Eaters’ Recipe Book features a cover photo of a smiling child eating peas. Listen Annabel, fussy children do not eat peas. I’m not even sure normal children eat them. My husband once spent hours making some kind of Annabel Karmel dessert only for us to end up eating it ourselves. She didn’t like the blueberry seeds. (I didn’t even know blueberries had seeds until this episode.) My child is fussy, to put it mildly. She doesn’t eat anything green, anything from the fungus family or anything with texture. She also doesn’t much like foods mixed together. That leaves rice, pretty much. Naturally, when we go out to eat, everyone has “helpful” advice for Slacker Mom. I thought I’d share some of these tips, and my response:

In my day (back in the 1980s) you weren’t allowed to leave the table until your plate was clean. (Liar!)

In the old days, kids just ate what was given to them. (No they didn’t. My father-in-law grew up in wartime Britain and only ate beans on toast until he was 13, no matter how much his mother cried, begged and threatened to paddle him.)

I think that if a child doesn’t eat her dinner it should go back in the fridge and they eat it for breakfast in the morning. (What makes you think green stuff will be more appetising congealed?)

Once she gets hungry enough, she’ll eat. (Starvation takes weeks; I have to go to work in the morning.)

My friends’ kids eat everything. My friends just put the food down on the table in front of them and they eat. (Where does your friend live? Maybe I’ll send mine over there to eat.)

I think she’s just testing you. (No kidding.)

It’s all about education. If you explain to her that it’s healthier to eat vegetables, she will. (She knows. She doesn’t care.)

It’s all in how you present the food. (I once presented broccoli to her on grovelling bended knee, but it didn’t work.)

She should just sit there in front of the food until she’s ready to eat. (I haven’t got that much time left in my lifespan.)

Have you tried a food reward chart. (Yes, I promised her a pony if she would just take one, tiny bite of broccoli but apparently a pony wasn’t enough. I’m not even kidding.)

Have you tried Annabel Karmel’s cookbook? (Say that name, one more time ...)