Dear Dr Nekia,

I have a brother who lives in Amsterdam and wishes to move to Bermuda.

He has visited the Island quite a few times and is drawn to the climate and people here. I wouldn’t mind him relocating here except for one thing, he likes to cross-dress.

I’ve tried to explain to him that Bermuda may not be the best place for that, and to be honest I do not want him embarrassing me in front of my friends and colleagues. I love my brother, but at a distance.

How can I convince him to not move here without offending him?

Sincerely, Brotherly Love

Dear Brotherly Love,

Whether your primary concern is whether or not Bermuda’s culture fits his lifestyle or whether or not you simply do not want him near out of fear of embarrassment, you have to ask yourself one question: does my brother deserve the right to live where he chooses while being who he chooses?

The easy answer would be to say, yes of course, but we all know that reality usually dictates something rather different.

Your concerns are valid, however, you must realise that all you can do is voice your honest cultural observations to your brother.

From there it is his choice whether to pursue relocating or not. You will have armed him with information that you feel necessary for him to make his decision, but just be sure not to over-project your own personal insecurities.

Being as objective and informative as possible requires that you place the wellbeing and happiness of your brother in a separate space than your own fears of embarrassment.

He will have to shoulder the responsibility and outcome of his decisions, and you will have to shoulder the responsibility of coming to terms with your fears.

It would be just as unfair of you to project your fears on him as it would be if he were to blame you for his consequences.

All in all, you are both adults in charge of your own destiny. As such, he has the right to choose where to live and who to be, while you have the right to request that he presents himself in an acceptable manner when invited to be around your colleagues and friends.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have been in a relationship for two years and what I want to know is how do I tell my man that he is not doing it for me in the bedroom?

He has no idea that he has not been pleasing me because I usually fake it, and I know he will get upset once he finds out.

Sincerely, Never Been Pleased

Dear Never Been Pleased,

Your question poses a great example of why I say that it is always best to be honest.

In the beginning you could have simply found creative ways to relate to him your wants and needs however, since you have been dishonest for so long, you are facing another problem.

Not only do you have to be concerned about how to approach a sensitive issue, but also how to smooth things over with regards to this longstanding lie.

No doubt his ego will be bruised and he’ll feel betrayed. This is especially true if he thinks that he is a wonderful lover.

Nevertheless, you do have to come clean for the sake of your intimate fulfillment and the health of your relationship overall.

I would suggest that you begin by making suggestions of things that you would like to experience in the bedroom.

Also, do not be afraid to take more control in the bedroom. Use your hands to guide his for instance. And when it comes to intercourse, choose positions where you can place him right where you want him while controlling both depth and speed.

If you do decide to have conversations about your intimacy needs, which you really should, be sure to refrain from using language that points the finger at him or blames him.

After all, you must realise that you are both responsible for one another’s bedroom enjoyment. Above all, stop faking it! You are doing neither him nor yourself any favours by doing so.

It may take some time and a bit of patience but you can certainly coach him in the game of love and sooner or later he will be capable of making those home run hits.

Dear Dr Nekia,

What I have always wanted to know is, why do men name their parts? I have heard some funny and some disturbing names and I can’t help but wonder if these men are even mentally sane.

Sincerely, Why Name It

Dear Why Name It,

Have you ever tried asking a man? Men really are the best ones to ask however I will say that it seems to be that the naming of their genitalia is a way of identifying and becoming intimately connected with that region of their bodies.

From a very young age males are made to be aware of their genitals. This is due to both the natural sensitivity of the area as well as the social and cultural cues which constantly draw attention to their intimate body parts.

Great emphasis is placed on the size, shape and working ability of male genitalia; so much so that men identify their manhood as being synonymous with it.

Remember that most males feel an inherent need to lead, dominate or be in control, but truth is that males find the task of controlling the behaviour of their penis to be a never-ending battle.

Sometimes it works when they don’t want it to, and other times it doesn’t work when they do want it to. It is like this very important part of their body has its own brain and personality. So, why not name it?

Most would agree that feeling a sense of powerlessness over the area is far less appealing than feeling the sense of empowerment that comes with identifying oneself with something that has such a strong will.

Do not be fooled however, this identification with and empowerment received from focusing on the penis, is rooted in male insecurities of incompetence and rejection. Just do not expect for them to admit this because they will most likely be quick to protect their egos in strong protest.