Fifty-eight ­— that’s how many pairs of shoes I have in my house.

I don’t so much step out in these shoes, as step on them at 2am on the way to the bathroom.

They all belong to Barbie and her 24 friends. Ironically, I only have about four pairs of shoes myself, if you count my bedroom slippers.

I spent the long weekend collecting Barbie’s shoes and “stuff” from every crack and crevice in the house in the name of organisation.

While every Barbie looks basically the same, except for the occasional brunette, the same can’t be said for her shoes.

Barbie has a weakness for heels, particularly stilettos, but she also has a pair of green jelly shoes with straps that encircle her legs up to her knees, brown hiking boots, clunky white astronaut boots and sneakers in various shades of pink.

In addition to the shoes, I also collected purses, cooking pots, little silver knives, 12 identical beige puppies, a single dog carrier, a puppy X-ray screen (for when the 12 puppies get pregnant and they need a scan), a dog bicycle, and an astronaut helmet to go with the moon boots. From this we can deduce that Barbie loves to go pedalling with her pregnant puppies on the moon.

The ironic thing about all the shoes is that I have never seen my daughter actually put them on Barbie’s feet, because they are so fiddly to squeeze on.

Many of them ended up in corners and under things because they were thrown there in frustration.

When I was done reorganising Barbie’s life, I showed my daughter the plastic cabinet I’d bought to store Barbie and her things. My daughter shrugged and pawed through the stack of dolls.

“You can throw this one out,” she said, “and this one, and this one.”

The dolls selected for expulsion looked exactly like all the others; I have no idea what gave them the failing grade.

My daughter held up a blond by the hair. “Especially, throw this one out mummy.”

This doll had holes in her back to emit a creepy song of some sort. Her feet were bare, of course.

“She’s got wires in her,” said my daughter. “I’m always afraid she’s going to explode.”

Barbie is da bomb ...