Dear Dr Nekia,

Last week you said that men name their private parts to identify with that uncontrollable part of their bodies. But what about couples who do the same as a fun part of foreplay? Do they do that because they are also insecure and need to gain control?

Sincerely,

The Name Game

Dear The Name Game,

No. For couples who name one another’s intimate places it is not an issue with control or insecurity. Such couples do so purely out of sport because there is a sense of being whimsical that is added to their erotic play. Also, naming provides a couple with a creative way of communicating their intimate desires if they would otherwise be inhibited to do so. For example, it is much easier to say that “Peter or Molly” wants something naughty, rather than saying that “I” want something naughty.

Furthermore, I do not want you to get me wrong, there a multiple reasons for why males name their penis. I provided the most commonly expressed. As well, the male phallus is controllable. That is, it can be exercised and trained and is controllable as much as the mind allows. Erection response to stimuli is a brain-genital response. However, most boys do not receive the proper discussions or instructions that would benefit them in genital acceptance, training and care. We, the healthcare and wellness professionals, need to begin to be more honest with males in our education of how they can be more in tune with and confident in the healthy performance of their genitals.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My fiancé and I cannot agree on how many children we should have. I am prepared to postpone the wedding until we come to an agreement, but he thinks that I am being irrational and am taking things too far. I think that important decisions like this should be discussed before marriage where he seems to think that things will just resolve itself. Am I being irrational by postponing our wedding?

Sincerely,

Postponing Things

Dear Postponing Things,

No, you are not being irrational. Many marriages and relationships fail because people are afraid to discuss the serious topics out of fear that they will be at odds with one another. However, the reality is, that there are very serious issues that all couples must face. The decision on children is one of those issues. Postponing the wedding may seem drastic to your fiancé but you do want to make sure that you both are on the same page here.

Postponing the union may save a lot of heartache in the long run should you not be able to come to an agreement on the subject. Besides, if it is that important to you that you would make the decision to postpone, then this is an indication of the topic’s importance to the overall relationship. Your fiancé will need to find a way to gain some understanding of, and respect for, your feelings here. That way he will be able to approach this issue with compassion. Be clear when expressing your reasons for why you do or do not want children, and allow him to digest this information.

Ask him to repeat back to you the reason you give him to ensure that he is understanding you. When it is his turn to give his reasons, reverse the role and do the same. Once it is established that you both understand one another, see if an agreement can be made. If an agreement still cannot be met, try discussing issues that surround the topic of children that will help you to both weigh the pros and cons of one another’s wishes. Examples of such influential issues would be finances, time constraints, common goals yet to be achieved, availability of a proper support system, etc.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Do you think that it is a wife’s duty, whether she wants to or not, to have sex with her husband whenever he wants? Do you think that her husband would be justified stepping outside of the marriage if she does not please him sexually?

Sincerely,

Justified Cheating

Dear Justified Cheating,

The answer to your first question depends on the belief system of the couple. If they follow a traditional patriarchal Christian belief system for example, then the answer would be yes that it is her duty. If the couple does not follow such a belief system, then the answer would be no.

Sex, though extremely important to the health of the individual as well as the relationship, is not an obligation or a duty. It is both physically and psychologically harmful to have sex out of obligation instead of out of free will or love. The woman should always listen to her body and her inner feelings and the man should always be mindful of her feelings and never want to force sex. He should only want to engage in sex when it is a mutual desire. As to your second question, the answer is no.

In early Christian marriages, when wives were not sexually satisfied by their husbands, clergy could give her permission to take on a lover. However, this would not be considered cheating since there is no deception or lying involved in such an arrangement. Any couple who is experiencing sexual difficulties should work together to find a solution to their problem. No matter how appealing the possibility may be, turning to someone else for sexual comforts is never the answer.