Dear Dr Nekia,

I am a single mother who is finding it difficult to make ends meet sometimes.

What makes it more stressful is that the father of my daughter gets angry and blames me when I cannot afford to supply all of our daughter’s needs.

He does pay court-ordered child support but it is not enough and I do not know how to get him to see that.

The courts should re-evaluate the cost of living and set realistic child support demands for absentee parents, but until then how can I get my child’s father to understand that our daughter needs more financial support, that I am not being greedy, and that this is not my fault?

Sincerely, Financially Stressed Mother

Dear Financially Stressed Mother,

I want to be fair here. First of all, we as women need to take more responsibility in our choices of men as fathers.

Because we carry and birth children and are often the primary care givers of our little ones, we must learn to choose more wisely who we would even consider giving a chance of procreation to.

In other words, we must make better choices in who we have sex with. If a man is neither financial secure nor capable of caring for himself, nor able to make sound financial decisions for himself before our sexual relationship with him, he is not a good candidate for you.

Yes, people have circumstances and are doing what they can do to make it through the day, but realistically you should not expect a man to change or miraculously mature into the kind of man that you and children need simply because a child is born.

This is especially true for failed relationships. As women on a whole begin to hold themselves accountable by requiring more of men, men will then rise to meet these requirements.

It is very dangerous for us to buy into the belief of competition because women outweigh men, and that it is OK to struggle with a man because that’s love. It is far wiser to choose suitable, mature, stable, and responsible lovers. This includes only choosing financially responsible men.

With that being said, once a child has entered this world, no matter what, the father is financially responsible for his children. However, you cannot force your daughter’s father to be reasonable. Many times, aggression from a co-parent comes from a deflection of frustration and awareness that he is not capable or willing to meet the financial responsibilities imposed on him.

This is an unfortunate reality for a lot of parents. Continue to do your best, and continue to make him aware of your need for his contributions. Provide financial statements and receipts for him as well as for your own records should you need to revisit the courts for further payments. And I agree the courts should adjust payment demands.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am worried that I cannot satisfy my girlfriend. She says that she is satisfied but I notice that her sex drive is much higher than mine.

I cannot lie, it makes me feel like less of a man because if I was really satisfying her, she would not want to have sex so much. What can I do to meet her needs?

Sincerely, Trying My Best

Dear Trying My Best,

Your girlfriend could be being honest with you. When you are intimate she could very well be satisfied from the experiences, but still have a higher sex drive than you.

It is not all the time that someone has a high sex drive due to non fulfillment.

Also, you should not feel like less of a man simply because a woman has a higher sex drive than you. In fact, this is not uncommon. Many women suppress or are not honest about their sexual appetites, while others really do not have high sex drives.

Nevertheless, both men and women vary in sexual appetites and if your lover says that she is satisfied, try your best to trust her and realise that the height of her sexual drive is not a reflection of your sexual performance.

If your sex drive is not up to par with hers, you could opt to engage in other intimacy-building activities that will supplement actual sexual intercourse.

Some examples would be flirting throughout the day, bathing and pampering one another, intimate massage, and mutual grooming.

Any experience that promotes physical closeness and skin-to-skin contact can be beneficial. Be creative and have fun with one another.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My wife sleeps a lot. I think she sleeps too much but she says that if she gets anything less than ten hours of sleep, she is still tired the next day. Is this normal? Is she sick or is she just being lazy?

Sincerely, I Have A Sleepy Wife

Dear I Have A Sleepy Wife,

A lot of people get between four and six hours of sleep a night. The recommended minimum amount of time for adequate rest is eight hours but really the body needs about ten hours of sleep for the average healthy adult to have proper rest that leads to cell repair and rejuvenation.

Some persons require even more than ten hours, and women can tend to require more sleep than men. Closely linked to this is stress levels.

Women have been found to require lower stressful lifestyles than men.

I would advise your wife to get a physical and, if all is well, perhaps you could be more compassionate towards her body’s needs.