Dear Dr Nekia,

Is internet dating really a good idea? I am not having much luck dating here in Bermuda and my friends keep telling me to try internet dating, but I am scared. I have heard a lot of horror stories and I’m not too sure that I am ready or willing to go through all of that.

Sincerely,

Online Dating

Dear Online Dating,

There are thousands if not millions of people worldwide who share your exact concerns regarding internet dating.

With the increase in our busy schedules, dating for some of us has become more of a chore than an enjoyable event. We simply do not have the energy to go through all of the ups and downs and weeding of potential candidates that it takes to find suitable companions.

Fortunately, technology has also increased along with our busy schedules, and we can take advantage of this in our dating lives if we know a few basic rules.

To get started and ease your fears, you will want to follow a few simple guidelines. First, is that you should only use reputable dating sites that screen and vet their candidates.

However, you can also make the use of free social media platforms if you feel comfortable with this.

Secondly, you will want to take your time when communicating with people.

Whether you are meeting people through a formal dating site or social media, remember to take your time, pay attention to information that is given and always trust your gut instincts.

Much like face-to-face dating, if your alarms go off, chances are that that person is not the one for you. Which brings me to guideline number three, do not focus so much on finding Mr or Mrs right, instead enjoy getting to know a variety of people — many people may catch your eye, but in time there will be one who will stand out from the rest.

Fourthly, use the physical distance to your advantage. Communication is easy if you know how to make the use of video chat, social app, and free telephone calling platforms.

You can date in your pjs and cut down on the time it takes to date while keeping yourself at a safe distance.

In many ways online dating can be safer than face-to-face dating.

You just need to use a bit of common sense and remember never to disclose any sensitive information about yourself too soon. Lastly, you may also want to consider researching a person’s name and confirming their identity through a search agent or through Google.

Criminal records are usually public knowledge and online activity is easily tracked. This should all help put your mind at ease as you enter into the world of online dating.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I find myself wanting to leave my wife for someone “less qualified”. My wife and I are not legally separated but it is no secret, to me at least, that I am unhappy being married to her. It is not that she does anything wrong.

She is a good wife to me and is a beautiful mother to our children, but I’m just not in love with her like I use to be. I am tired of pretending to her, my children, and everyone else, and I have been seeing someone else for six months now and I am ready to jump ship to find true happiness. My friends think that I am crazy for wanting to leave a good woman for someone with no security, but she makes me feel so alive and I do not think that cheating is the way to go.

Sincerely,

Leaving My Wife For A fling

Dear Leaving My Wife For A Fling,

Of course you have a moral, financial, and social obligation to uphold the commitment made in wedlock. You have committed yourself not only to your wife but also to your children who deserve a secure and loving home to grow in. By you choosing to leave the home you are not only choosing to exit the marriage but you are choosing to also dissolve your children’s sense of security because you will be in a sense leaving them too. It is very important for you to realise that even if you remain an active dad in your children’s lives, you will still be choosing to end the relationship that you have with them now, for a less secure and a more part-time one. On the other hand, it is never good to live a lie and you do deserve to be happy also. I would advise you to explore what went wrong in your marriage first. You owe it to yourself and everyone involved to give focus to this because the marriage may be salvaged and if not, you will at least learn how to prevent the same thing from happening in a future relationship. After all, you said that she is a good wife and mother so chances are there are some things going on with you internally that is affecting your relationships and causing you to disconnect because you are dissatisfied. There are endless possibilities as to why this could be the case, and you will want to explore each one of them until you know exactly what is going on here.

Ask yourself, if a fling and the feeling of excitement are really enough to leave your family for. Maybe your connection with this other woman is real. But also maybe it is not, as the feeling of excitement tends to come and go as couples settle into dealing with real life important decisions.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I want to marry someone half my age, but people think that I am crazy or a pervert. I am a 50-year-old unwed woman who is seriously dating a 27-year-old man. We are extremely happy, and he is mature and secure in his career. When I look at him, I see a man, and so does everyone else until I tell them his real age. He has asked me to marry him realising that I could never give him children and all that comes along with someone of my age. Is it so wrong?

Sincerely,

Cougar Pride

Dear Cougar Pride,

I know that everyone reading this is waiting for me to tell you that yes it is wrong and that you need Jesus, but this is unfortunately reflective of the fact that we live in a society where ageism is very real, especially within our dating lives.

On the one hand it isn’t anyone’s business as long as two consenting adults are happy together and are not bringing any harm to anyone. But on the other hand, most of us are conditioned to follow a social structure which blurs the line with morality. And so strong is this conditioning or learning that, whether right or wrong, fair or unfair, we tend to look unfavourably at those who did not learn to uphold social norms as we do.

In other words, to many but not all, your decision to actively carry out a relationship with someone so much younger has designated you to be immoral, perverted, predatory, and/or a social outcast.

As a result, you both will experience the stares, comments, harassment, rumour spreading, and outright questioning of your sanity and all other negative attention as you both will be stigmatised just because of your decision to love one another.

Are you and your younger beau ready for this? Can you both shoulder the disappointment and perception of disgrace that may come from family, friends, and the community at large?

Have you truly weighed all of the important factors that are involved and surround your huge age difference?

Can you truly relate to one another and see life in similar ways?

The answers to these questions will be what ultimately determines the success or failure of your commitment to one another as well as the wellbeing of everyone involved.