Dear Dr Nekia,

I’ve been cheating on my wife. She was raised in a Christian home and carries a lot of those beliefs and values with her today. It affects our sex life. She thinks that certain acts are dirty or a sin. We decided to wait until we got married to have sex so I had no idea that she would have such a difficult time. Oral sex is even a fight because she was raised to think that good girls do not do that. I do not want to cheat on my wife but what am I to do? She is so reluctant to try new things.

Sincerely,

Unsatisfied Cheater

Dear Unsatisfied Cheater,

Cheating is never an appropriate answer to relationship and marital problems, and the fact that you are reaching out for help shows that you realise this.

Your question involves a rather taboo subject. Morality, Christianity, and most male-dominated religions place great emphasis on the chasteness of females and as a result, followers develop a sense of sexual guilt and shame that they pass on to their children. This is very damaging, especially to the female primarily because of her role during sex. The female’s role is to be vulnerable and inviting. She is the receiver of the male, and needs to be comfortable within her sexuality to be able to relax into this role. If we teach our females that certain things are dirty or that their character is sinful and undesirable if they perform certain acts, we essentially damage their ability to freely love their partner in a sexual way. Most often such teachings are used to evoke fear in preventing premarital sex, however there needs to be a more productive and less abusive way of facing sexual issues within our homes and churches.

In the case of your wife, she has already been damaged by her moral upbringing, and as is not uncommon with others like her, she is having a hard time switching from being the “good girl” to her family to being the “loving woman” to her husband. We cannot continue to expect our women to be fearful and uninviting towards sex and easily make the switch to pleasing lovers. It just does not work that way. Many women suffer in silence, or lose their husbands due to their inability to sexually connect. Your wife will benefit most from counselling with someone who shares her core religious beliefs. She will become trusting of this person, and will be able to get spiritual and marital guidance from them.

I fear that a secular counsellor will not be well received by her as she will see them as a sinner and will lean more towards having a feeling of being coerced or led astray.

Until then, you will want to be more understanding and patient with her, definitely end your affair, and focus instead on creating other ways to connect sexually with her. She needs to feel a deep sense of intimacy with you in order for her to be willing to engage sexually with you. Discuss intimacy-creating activities of both a sexual and non-sexual manner that you both enjoy and are comfortable with.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am with a man who I love but because of the problems that we are having in our relationship, I do not want to be intimate with him. I find myself not only avoiding sex but also not wanting him to kiss or touch me. When we do have sex, I pretty much just lay there because, even though my body wants sex, I do not want it with him. Our relationship has left me feeling neglected and betrayed and I just don’t feel to share myself with him. I have let him know how I feel but he says I am over reacting and it is all in my head. I am ready to make the very difficult decision to end the relationship. Is there anything else that I can do to avoid having to make that decision?

Sincerely,

Don’t Want Him To Touch Me

Dear Don’t Want Him To Touch Me,

Unfortunately you both have let the problems of your relationship go on for so long that you have begun the process of withdrawal.

Two factors exist here that will almost certainly determine the inevitable end — one of you has checked out of the relationship and the other is avoiding the realities of the relationship.

This means that neither one of you is really committed to it working out. You cannot do anything about his refusal to face your relationship concerns, however I do understand how that has caused you to no longer want to be intimate. I would suggest that you stop allowing him to have sex with you altogether. Sex is usually a very important intimacy-building and mending act, however if you are feeling betrayed and neglected, sex then becomes a harmful act towards you as you will transfer your feelings of violation into your sexual life. This has already begun to happen, as you admit that you just lay there. You still have the physical desire, but not the emotional will to share yourself with your man.

This must be very dissatisfying for you, and you will want to look for behaviours such as you wanting to take a long shower after, or you becoming increasingly angry, frustrated, or depressed directly following sex. This will let you know that your unhappiness is progressing. It takes two to make a relationship work and if your partner is unwilling to acknowledge, face, accept and work on correcting the problems within the relationship, there is no hope for salvaging it. He will continue to deny any wrong and your relationship will deteriorate as you feel more and more unloved.

Ending an unhealthy relationship with someone that you love is never an easy decision, but sometimes it is the best decision that we can make for ourselves. The longer you agree to stay in the relationship, the more you reinforce your acceptance of things and it is the more you send the message that you think that this is what you deserve. You will be treated according to your acceptance. This is why when people, men in particular, are asked why they did something they should not have, or did not do something they should have, the answer is often “because she let me”.

Men tend to lose any sense of responsibility or accountability for their woman’s feelings or wellbeing the more accommodating she is to him and his dysfunction. We believe that we are being understanding, loyal, good women to them, but really we are teaching them that we do not think ourselves worthy of more than what they give. You alone can make the decision to be happy and find love.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My wife of nine years has had an emotional indiscretion with a co-worker that lasted for ten months. This was shortly after she lost three dress sizes in weight. She is adamant that she never slept with this man but all of her friends have advised that they did. Whilst 15 months have past since this incident and I forgave her, she has admitted to others that she finds him attractive and he would be her natural preference in height, build, and complexion. We have rebuilt and improved our relationship and I keep myself looking very well but cannot become 6ft2in or look like a Morris Chesnut-type overnight. When they see each other in the street they pretend they do not know each other, but at work, or if I am not around, I am told that they smile like lovers and talk to each other.

Additionally, at times she withdraws into silence and does not want me to touch or be next to her after a “long day”. I automatically assume when she acts like this that it has something to do with her wanting to be with him again. I am tired of this silent rollercoaster and as long as they work together it is going to be hard for me to know if she has moved on as she refuses counselling or to address the topic when I bring it up. Although my wife professes to be a “good Christian” and I am not a churchgoer and we do have a great life outside of this issue, it is causing continual trust issues as she will not address it head-on. As a man, it is embarrassing to write this letter but I know other men in the same situation. What is happening to “Christian” women in Bermuda? Why are they no longer being as upright as they want us husbands to be?

Sincerely,

Silent Rollercoaster

Dear Silent Rollercoaster,

Things may have gone too far with this particular co-worker and you may not be getting the entire truth surrounding their involvement. This is because not only would her marriage be in jeopardy but also her job and her reputation within the church and community. This is a lot to lose so it is not unusual that she will want to protect the facts surrounding the level of intimacy that she developed with this man. On the other hand, you must not believe everything that you hear. Ask yourself, why would her “friends” tell on her? Why would they break her loyalty to her in preference for you? People often read far too much into exchanges that happen publicly between a man and a woman. What does raise a red flag here is that they ignore one another if you are around. That almost always reflects guilt, but can also reflect being uncomfortable.

Avoidance will be natural if she is also avoiding discussing the subject with you. I am also concerned with your mental state due to the situation. You should never be made to feel badly or unworthy because you do not fit someone’s physical ideal. While she is entitled to her preference in men, she is also responsible for choosing you as a husband. Far too often, women deny themselves their true desires in favour of settling for a good provider or a good husband. Eventually it catches up with them and marital affairs are almost always the result. Additionally, 15 months have passed but you have not moved on. Other areas of your marriage may be functioning, however it is this situation that threatens its overall health. She must come to a place where she is ready to face things.

Whether or not she had sex with this man, she must realise that she is responsible for your mistrust and should take active steps to regain it. If she is willing to do this, you will have to agree to let go your assumptions surrounding the affair. This includes any information that you cannot verify, and also any assumption that her withdrawal is because of him. Because the other person is never the problem in a relationship, they should not be the focus either. The breakdown within a relationship leads to the indiscretion and that is what should be focused on.

No matter how difficult or scary it may be to face things, you both will have to be ready to be honest about things, and you will also both have to be willing to do what it takes to move forward together. I cannot speak towards the breakdown in morals of Christian women in Bermuda, but I can speak towards the taboo that surrounds seeking counselling. Many avoid, or are unwilling to seek help because it’s an admittance that there is a problem that they cannot handle.

Marital problems are often the most difficult for people to discuss with a stranger because they have shut down the intimacy within the relationship itself. As you can imagine, it is far more difficult to open up to intimacy with a stranger than it is with someone who you say that you love. Unfortunately, mistrust will continue to build unless she is as willing as you are to mend things. As long as she is avoiding, denying, or refusing the problem, she is also contributing to the failure of the marriage; counselling only works when both partners are willing.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com