This week’s column features the Throne Speech that will not be delivered next Friday. At least I don’t think so — and that’s because it is made up, by me. It comes with a disclaimer, too. Any resemblance to actual events, past or present, or actual persons, real or not, is purely coincidental — and any relevance to actual events or actual persons, Mr Editor, I leave to readers to decide.

Some assembly will of course be required and the column is provided, as usual, “as is”, that is without any warranties as to fitness or any particular purpose.

Imagine, if you will, a Throne Speech that goes something like this:

“Your Government has under consideration outsourcing the Cabinet Office, along with the work of Cabinet, to AN Other Crown Corporation.

The belief is that this will lead to enhanced, better and stronger government for the people of Bermuda.

First and foremost, your Government believes that this move will guard against three very significant and important risks such that people can expect that, contrary to past history and existing practice:

• Work will be done on time

• On budget

• According to specifications

The overriding goal here is to avoid having to pay out millions of dollars by way of supplementaries for overruns and/or miscalculations and/or poor accounting and/or poor quality work. The aim is to make these practices a thing of the past.

We believe this will also make Bermuda a more competitive jurisdiction in which and with which to do business. We are convinced, as well, that our brand will be in jeopardy if we do nothing and continue to operate as we have. We need to step up our game and further enhance our reputation as a first-class, first-tier and First World country.

The need to move in this direction is sufficiently compelling that we do not believe that this project must be put out to tender or that there ought to be a referendum on the issue. We are acting on the urgency of now.

Voters and members need not be concerned about possible job losses.

The ANOCC has committed to employing Bermudians wherever and whenever possible. Existing members will be retained and retrained where necessary and appropriate. There will also be opportunities for mentoring and work shadowing.

The detail of exactly how this arrangement will work is being negotiated as we speak and will be embodied in a memorandum of agreement for review and close scrutiny by the Legislature of Bermuda in the coming parliamentary session, but only after execution.

Rest assured that the agreement will be structured in such a way so as to avoid any negative impact on Bermuda’s sovereign credit rating. On the contrary, actually. Our goal is to get the cost and work of the Cabinet Office and Cabinet off the government books.

Any extra costs to the move will be met by increases in fees where appropriate and necessary — and, as everyone knows and understands, there are always costs associated with building something new and better, much like there is with any project, like, eg, shall we say, a new airport.

These are economic times that require bold leadership and your Government believes that it should lead the way by starting with reform at the very top. It is our hope that this bold step will be boldly welcomed not only by the people of Bermuda, but embraced by the Legislature as well. The House of Assembly and the Senate could be next.

We look forward to debate and welcome your questions. But let’s get on with it. Now.”

Tradition permits the reader of the Speech to make a few personal remarks at the end, Mr Editor, and I look forward to the comments. But let me be clear; this was the Not The Um Um Throne Speech. (With apologies, cousins). Or like the warning at the start of each television episode of Law & Order: this is a work of fiction and does not depict any actual person or events. Mind you, what is it that people also say? That there may be some truth in jest?