Dear Dr Nekia,

I’m actually interested in this guy. We share similar interests and hobbies and often meet up in a social setting within one particular hobby.

We speak on general things but I haven’t brought myself to ask him out. My interest in him just suddenly occurred like overnight at a recent event; however, we have known each other for over a year now and I never thought he would be the one I would like to date. How should I approach this situation? We’re both single. I can’t seem to get him off my mind these days.

Sincerely,

Struck By The Love Bug

Dear Struck By The Love Bug,

It sounds as though recently he has really made an impression on you.

I can understand the nervousness that you may feel so you may want to opt with bringing up the idea of meeting outside of your usual social setting in a casual manner. For instance, instead of asking him out on a formal date ask if he would like to hang out some- time.

Choose an activity that you know he enjoys, or choose to engage in your mutual hobby in a more personal setting so that the focus will be on you both enjoying one another’s company.

A casual invitation can reduce anxiety for both you and him, and should he decline your invitation, any awkwardness, that could result, will also be reduced.

Alternatively, you could look for signs of mutual interest from him. Men tend to show signs of interest, and picking up on these signs could help you to gain confidence in your approach to the situation. If unsure, you could begin friendly flirting to see how he reacts. However, do not expect for him to be able to read every signal because men can be very clueless to a woman’s advances if they are not overtly obvious. Use this to your advantage because if he is not interested, you will not feel embarrassed by your failed attempts.

Yet if he is interested in you, you could have fun flirting with one another — which could be a springboard for starting a beautiful more intimate friendship. Just try not to overthink things or second-guess yourself. After all, love requires a certain undeniable fearlessness.

Dear Dr Nekia,

How long should a woman really wait before having sex with someone she is dating?

Sincerely,

How Long

Dear How Long,

It really depends on the woman, the type of person she is dating, and the nature of the relationship.

Whether she waits one night, one month, or one year before having sex she must be able to realise that the relationship will change after that.

Sometimes this change is for the better and sometimes it’s for the worst, but it will change and there will be no going back.

People tend to believe that the sooner a woman is sexually intimate is the less she will be valued, but this is not always the case. I have seen many happy successful marriages develop from supposed one night stands, and I have seen relationships flatline even after waiting months or to be married before being intimate.

Timing does not determine the course of your relationship as much as the underlying connection between those involved.

There must be a deeper connection that is more than physical; even if she or her partner is not conscious of it initially.

However, if the nature of the relationship is intentionally purely physical, it then should not matter how soon anyone waits ... man or woman.

Whatever decision is made as to when a woman is ready to be sexually involved with someone she should stay true to herself and make that decision with her entire wellbeing in mind.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My wife caught me cheating on her. Not in the act, but she found evidence of my affair.

Of course I did what any man would do. I apologised, ended things with the other woman, and promised never to do it again.

But it has been weeks and my wife is still not speaking to me. I do not know what to do to make things right.

Sincerely,

I Messed Up

Dear I Messed Up,

You may need to give your wife both time and space. And instead of thinking about how you can make things right, you may want to take advantage of this time of distance to focus more on yourself and being honest.

Ask yourself why you were unfaithful to begin with, whether or not it is a habit or pattern, and whether you are truly sorry or are you just reacting to the hurt that you see you caused your wife.

These are all very important questions that need to be answered honestly in order for you to have any hopes of a successful long-term reconciliation with your wife. If she does make the decision to remain in the marriage with you, your wife will naturally gravitate back towards you once the situation is handled and she feels that you are being genuine. This will take time and she will need to see and experience not only your being sorry but also your genuine patience and effort in restoring your delicate relationship.

However, because infidelity signals a breakdown within an individual that affects any relationship, your aim should be to mend the relationship to be better than it was so that you do not repeat your indiscretion.

I understand that you may be eager to get things back to normal and to gain your wife’s forgiveness and trust, but you will have to respect that she may never want to reconcile. And if she does, that this will take time. Furthermore, you should never want for things to get back to normal or the way they were because the truth is that what was normal in your relationship was not working. Fundamentally, you will want to look forward to forming a new bond with your wife that is much stronger than the one you had.