Dear Dr Nekia,

I recently found out that my girl watches more porn than I do. I do not see anything wrong with watching porn, but she has whole collections full.

I found them while I was using her computer one day, and I was surprised because she has never mentioned liking porn to me before.

I asked her about it and she admitted liking it. She’s not the freakiest person in bed so I am confused how she could like so much porn — all different types, too — yet with me she is just average. It has me really questioning if I satisfy her or if I am the boring one.

Sincerely,

Manhood Threatened

Dear Manhood Threatened,

My first reaction to your situation would be to tell you that now you know how it feels, but I am compelled to be more professional than that.

For so long women have been told to just deal with men’s obsession with porn. When we are uncomfortable with it, we are told that we are too uptight.

When we say that it is morally degrading, we are told that we are not in touch with our sexuality. When we express that it makes us feel inadequate, we are told that we are jealous and insecure.

But, interestingly enough, I find that men have very similar reactions to us if their woman enjoys porn. Traditionally, porn is geared around the female performing acts that appeal to the male animalistic sense of sexuality. This is the basic level of sexual arousal.

But as time goes on, more and more porn companies are taking the female sexual desire into account, and many women are enjoying watching attractive men perform as well.

It is one thing to want a woman who is desirous and into her sexuality, and it is another thing to actually be able to be with her.

This is because a want is a fantasy; we can make up any idea of what it could be like. When it comes to reality, dealing with that actual person, we find we cannot control or dictate or fit them into our little world of ideals.

Many men find it difficult to not feel insecure when they are faced with the realisation that their woman is more sexual than they are. It’s interesting because women are taught that it is ridiculous to be insecure if our men are more sexual.

Many women hide their sexuality and sexual appetite out of fear. They worry about not being accepted, and being judged.

Women are called all sorts of names for either being too sexual or not sexual enough, so many of us keep our sexuality in a safe box that we unleash only when alone.

If neither of you finds watching porn to be a moral issue, then discuss your concerns with her. The more you understand, the less insecure you should be.

Maybe you can both enjoy porn together. Maybe you can encourage her to bring the elements of porn that she likes into your bedroom. In any case, understand that a very important part of a healthy, functioning relationship is a hearty sex life that is built on trust, acceptance, desire and confidence.

Insecurity only leads to seeds of doubt and inadequacy that will not only affect your sex life but also your overall intimacy and general relationship.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My boyfriend admitted to me that he thinks that he may be bisexual. He says he has never been with a man, but that he does find both men and women attractive.

I do not know how to handle this situation. One side of me says that I should be understanding and encouraging and believe him, while the other side says I should not believe him and just dump him. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Completely Blindsided

Dear Completely Blindsided,

OK, this may seem to be a sticky situation, but first I must impart something upon you that will be the very important premise on which your reaction to this situation should be built: you are not responsible for his journey.

I understand that because you are close to him, you feel an urge to be compassionate and help him, but compassion is expressed in many forms and his battle is an internal one that ultimately does not involve you.

The extent that it does involve you is strictly because you choose to be in a relationship with him. You will need to be careful that you do not get too involved because you can not affect the outcome and could get hurt.

If you care about him, you should not want to influence the outcome anyway, because it is best that he finds the internal power to figure things out for himself. Whether or not he has acted upon his attraction to men, you have the responsibility of ensuring your own health, personal safety and wellbeing.

When making the decision of whether or not to walk away, ask yourself if you can do this. That is, can you honestly remain in a relationship with him while guarding your health, keeping your personal safety intact and guaranteeing your wellbeing?

Even if you can answer yes to these questions, realise that your relationship will be limited until he figures out who he is. There can be no stability and security in a relationship if one or both partners are questioning their sexuality, especially when it comes to someone questioning their sexual gender preference.

As your name suggests, you already feel blindsided, which I am sure is causing hesitation, confusion and distrust. All of these emotions and thoughts are signs of an unhealthy, or unstable relationship in crisis.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Are virgin births possible? I hear stories of girls claiming to be virgins but still end up pregnant. Are they lying, or is it a possibility?

Sincerely,

Virgin Claims

Dear Virgin Claims,

Like phantom pregnancies and births, there have been reports of virgin births throughout time within the medical community.

As shocking as this might be, it is important that we remember two things. One being that we do not understand everything about the human body, and are often amazed by its ability to defy current scientific concepts. Two, that more often than not, there is an explanation for any phenomenon.

The most common source of virgin pregnancies and birth are young girls and boys who don’t understand how conception can take place. Many think that oral sex and coupled masturbation are safe ways of exploring sex without actually going all the way and risking pregnancy or disease. This is false.

Oral sex still carries the risk of disease and, depending on where the ejaculation takes place, pregnancy is also a concern with both of these acts. The only difference is that these sexual acts keep the vagina’s hymen intact and disease invades the tissues of the mouth, throat and stomach instead of the genitals.

If ejaculation takes place on or near the vulva, sperm can swim inside the vagina and pregnancy can occur. This accounts for a great number of virgin pregnancy cases.

On the other hand, for girls and women who swear that they have not engaged in any risky sexual behaviours, doctors either do not believe the patient or are forced to take their word for it — in which case no medical explanation is given.

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