Dear Dr Nekia,

I was talking to a friend of mine and she said that it’s not fair she has to wear an engagement ring showing the world she is taken and the man doesn’t wear anything to symbolise his relationship status. I was surprised by her lack of enthusiasm because every woman I know looks forward to wearing a ring. Is this unusual for women to feel this way, or is this just another step towards women’s rights?

Sincerely, Women Confuse Me

Dear Women Confuse Me,

Although it is not strange that your friend would feel this way, her feelings are not exactly the norm either. I can see where you could be a bit confused by her lack of enthusiasm. It seems that in the culture we live, we are socialised or taught to think a certain way about marriage and the process that we must go through in order to be successful at it. The step of engagement is just one of the steps in this process, and it is a step that most look forward to. Girls are taught to value the receiving of a ring as a symbol of a man’s permanent love and commitment, while boys are groomed to give such a ring as a symbol of intent to marry. However, in universal law, there is no such ritual. In fact, once you have engaged in sexual intercourse, whether casual or not, you are seen as being “married” because you have come together to unite minds, bodies and energies — that creates a bond. The whole ritual of the giving of a token to the woman to be married began as an act that showed the man’s intent and ability to take on the responsibilities of a wife. Over time, with the onset of patriarchy, a token given to a woman became more of a symbol of ownership and a sign for other males to stay away. With that being said however, the modern day jewellery industry has done a fabulous job at incorporating the male wedding band into the mix and making the symbols of wedding and engagement rings appear to be tokens of undying love and commitment. After all, nothing adds up to sales like an emotional connection to a piece of pricey jewellery. So while refusal or unwillingness to wear an engagement ring may seem to be a step in a feminist direction, it really is a step towards awareness of the truths that often lay hidden behind the rituals that we take for granted.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My best friend is a male and he has been overweight most of his life. I am very proud of him because he has recently lost a lot of weight. His doctor says that he is much healthier now, but my friend swears that losing the weight has given him an added unsuspected benefit. He claims that he has grown two inches on to his man part. I wouldn’t know because we are just friends, but I do find it hard to believe. He still swears that he is not joking, and so I want to know if this is at all possible or should I not take him seriously at all?

Sincerely, Can It Grow?

Dear Can It Grow,

As unbelievable and mythical as it may sound, the answer to your question is yes, it is possible. Not only is it possible, but it is quite common for males who have central obesity — that is, obesity that is concentrated around the abdominal area. Some medical professionals claim that the experience in increased penile length is nothing more than perception, or the male’s ability to see his penis. They claim that as the abdomen shrinks, the penis becomes more visible.

Yet it has been documented and reported that an actual enlargement does occur, and males can see this if they were to measure their man part before and after losing weight. For those men who do experience an actual increase in their penis, experts say that this is due to increased circulation in that area. It is no secret that a side effect to obesity and weight gain is a decrease in circulation and this can prove crucial to men, who rely upon free-flowing blood to engorge the penis for it to become erect. More specifically, it seems that abdominal fat is most likely to impede blood circulation to the male genitals. This is also true for women, but I will only focus on males since your question specifically asks about penile enlargement.

Typically, for every inch that males lose in abdominal girth, they can expect to see an increase of half an inch to two inches in penile length. This increase does not go on infinitely however; a male who loses six inches will not automatically see three inches added to his penis.

The amount of length will be determined by the availability of blood, limitations set by the anatomy of the genitals and by the male’s overall health. So it wouldn’t be uncommon for a male to lose a good amount of weight, yet only experience an increase of about half an inch in length. The penis will only lengthen and expand to its maximum allowance, which is determined by the elasticity of the skin as well as the spongy and connective tissues.

With that being said, males should also look to see if their penis has increased in circumference. Sadly, generalised, or all over body obesity, does not seem to play a major role in penile contraction or elongation so men who experience weight gain over their entire body should not expect to see much of a difference in the length of their penis should they lose weight. Those men with localised abdominal fat who lose weight and see no difference should not be dismayed because there are so many more health and performance benefits to their weight loss, and they should notice an increase in sexual stamina.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Last week a guy wrote in about not being attracted to his wife because she gained weight. My wife also has gained a considerable amount of weight but I am still very much attracted to her. Our issue is that she no longer has the energy for sex as much as I would like, and she finds many of our favourite positions uncomfortable now. Since we are both very much still in love and want to enjoy one another is there any advice that you could give besides the obvious which would be for her to lose weight?

Sincerely, I Love Her Jiggle

Dear I Love Her Jiggle,

Yes, losing weight will solve many of the issues that you and your wife are facing in the bedroom but there are things that you can do in the meantime. Just as with any other part of your relationship, it is natural that time and circumstances will push you to develop new ways of connecting with one another. Your wife changing is just one example, however, I am glad that you are still attracted to her and are seeking out ways in which you can still enjoy one another. A positive attitude and a willingness for the both of you to try new things is key.

I would suggest that you both take the time to explore the habits and limitations of your lovemaking. Decide which areas are most enjoyable, and what boundaries need to be set. This process shouldn’t be tedious. Make it fun and explorative. Do not take limitations so seriously and laugh at your mistakes.

Once you both agree with what it is that you most enjoy, look for ways to modify lovemaking to achieve this enjoyment. It may just take you having to adjust a leg, move an arm, or use an extra pillow to make things more comfortable. Be creative, but if you are having trouble, look into purchasing a book or DVD on sexual positions.

There are even media aids that are geared specifically towards teaching heavier people how to modify lovemaking and sexual positions in safe and enjoyable ways. Instead of focusing on avoiding the extra weight, you and your wife can both become very playful in incorporating her extra cushioning into spicing things up. In the end, as long as you are both willing to explore new avenues in the bedroom, you should be more than fine.