Dear Dr Nekia,

I’m an older woman who is still married and very much in love. Age has brought with it some medical problems that are affecting my husband’s desire to be intimate. We have had a healthy sex life, but now we hardly have sex. What can I do to make things easier for him?

Sincerely, Old With Desire

Dear Old With Desire,

This is a common issue among the ageing and those with medical problems in general. With health problems comes a decline in libido and also ability to perform sexually. This can be very emotionally traumatic for individuals, especially males. I would advise that you take the opportunity to reassure him that you are understanding and accepting of his condition. Also, look for non-sexual ways to connect, that build intimacy.

The emphasis here is on non-sexual acts because increased pressure to perform will have the opposite effect on him. He definitely will not be able to engage in intercourse and seeing that you are very much still full of desire will make him feel worse about himself.

It is very important for a male’s sense of manhood to have his woman desire him, however, if he cannot satisfy his woman her desire will strip him of his manhood.

For most women this sounds silly because we tend to put greater value on the other aspects of relationship which causes us to value our men for the other things that they do, but make no mistake about it, sexual performance and the ability to both excite and satisfy his woman is of paramount importance to a man.

Choose actions that show affection and involve skin-to-skin contact to keep the mind-body connection between you alive. Some examples would be gentle kisses on the cheek or forehead, a glance and smile from across the room, holding hands just because, laying your head on his shoulder while watching TV, cuddling in bed, rubbing his shoulders, writing love notes and leaving them in his pocket, etc.

It may be a challenge to keep the intimacy alive without sex, but with effort you will discover ways in which you can stay connected to one another while boosting his spirits.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am dating this girl for a couple years now and I just moved in with her. I lost my job and got kicked out of my apartment and she took me in. I only work part-time so she pretty much pays for everything, but I help when I can.

My thing is that she is starting to treat me like crap. I try to leave but she says she is sorry and don’t go. I stay and she makes me feel like I’m her child or something, setting rules and restrictions.

What should I do go or stay, because I’m tired of being treated this way.

Sincerely, I’m A Man, Not A Boy

Dear I’m A Man, Not A Boy,

What you describe is a situation where your girlfriend is finding it difficult to view you as a man, or no longer does so. A man, to most women, is a male who is mature and is able to take care of certain responsibilities. Taking care of himself and his children is at the top of the list. In essence, you have become her dependent and are acting in the capacity of an incapable person. Incapabilities are ascribed to the handicapped and children, so it is no surprise that you are beginning to feel restricted.

While ideally, you would expect that she take you in and treat you with the respect as a man — and maybe that was her initial intention — the fact is that if you are no longer filling the role of a man, you will not get treated like one. This is not to say that you should not be treated with respect as a person. We all fall on hard times at some point or another, but she may be getting frustrated.

Try to have open dialogue about it and see if she is growing impatient with your inability to contribute, at least equally, to the expenses of living in a household. We women have an internal nurturing mechanism so we tend to try to help and take care of men.

Over time however, we enter into a dominant motherly mode where we take charge and begin to relate to our men as a mother relates to their child rather than how a woman relates to her man. She may not want you to leave because she does not want to be alone, or she feels guilty for putting you out, or it may be that she really loves you. No matter the case, you will need to set some boundaries for yourself as a man.

As much as you can, do not allow her to take care of you financially, and do more to show her that you appreciate what she is doing.

Oftentimes women get to feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated or taken for granted. Reassure her that this is not the case and actively incorporate her in your efforts to get back on your feet. You can do so by sharing your visions, plans, opportunity leads, etc.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am dating someone who is causing problems between me and a friend of mine. She gets upset every time I say that I want to go over to his house to chill, or we want to go out for drinks. She says it’s because she doesn’t trust him and that he has a lot of women, but why should that matter? Shouldn’t she trust me and not him? I shouldn’t have to choose between my friends and her and I think that she is just being a bit too controlling.

Sincerely, Shouldn’t Have To Choose

Dear Shouldn’t Have To Choose,

You are correct, no one should have to choose between their partner and their friends. However, equally true is that we must approach our partners and relationships with understanding and compassion. Your woman may have underlying trust issues that may need to be explored; however, on the surface she is presenting a very common fear among women — the fear of persuasion.

Most of us have been taught that birds of a feather flock together, and it is my guess that she fears that some part of you is just the same towards women as your friend is towards women. She fears that you will be persuaded or enticed to become friendly with women while you are out enjoying yourselves, and may not be focusing on the possibility that your friendship is built on more than just having a good time with women.

We all know how guy talk goes, and while ultimately it is your decision what actions you make, a lot of women really do not like the idea of their men sitting around talking about or admiring other women. So her intent may not be to be controlling, rather she is showing you that she is afraid.

Depending on the reasons for why she is insecure, you will want to gain some patience with her and together explore the underlying insecurities so that you can build a stronger sense of trust.

This will no doubt include you taking an active part in reassuring and proving to her that she has nothing to fear. If you are unwilling to do this, your relationship will always be filled with arguments about trust because no matter how much you may want it to, this issue is not going to just go away.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com